to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

If potential gender disappointment is a thing for a person, they probably shouldn't have a baby until it isn't. Who are these people, Henry VIII?

Who are these people, Henry VIII?

My Mother and Grandmother couldn’t find out, it wasn’t an option. I chose not to find out with one of my DC and didn’t like it, mostly because I was convinced she was a boy so it took some getting used to when she was born.

Gender disappointment is a weird concept to me, I’ve seriously never been arsed either way.

But finding out when you're pregnant gives you the time to come to terms with it before the baby arrives, rather than being upset when they arrive and passing on 'bad vibes' or something?

A woman I worked with had a boy, she didn’t find out the sex but had convinced herself she was having a girl. She was heartbroken for a good couple of months. Was very sad to see. Poor baby :(

No, the opposite. If you're disappointed finding out early gives you time to give your head a wobble and sort yourself out before the baby comes, when it might have a negative effect.

Yea maybe. But we are only human. I know that it would make sense to wait til birth. But honestly I wanted a daughter so badly, I just couldn't wait to know if my 3rd child was my much desired daughter to complete our family or my 3rd son. Also frankly - my first birth was horrendous. I couldn't bond with my son for almost a week. My 2nd birth was slightly better but i guess I'm not one of those women who gets a hormonal instant rush of love for my child. I've never experienced that. So with my 2nd son, despite the birth being considered straight forward, it still felt surreal he was mine. It took a day before he felt like mine and I felt I loved him. So I know myself. I chose to find out because I wanted to give myself time to bond with my 3rd boy before he gets here so when he does arrive, it wont be a huge shock. I know that if I waited til birth, to where I had spent months and months building up the crazy anticipation that this may be my longed for daughter- after going through the horrible pain and exhausting experience that is giving birth - I think the risk was there that I'd have felt even less than just "surreal" that it turned out to be a boy. I think I would have felt upset and in shock and maybe even angry. Not at him but just at the unfairness of it all that I will be then facing the sudden reality that I shall never get to have my own little girl. I cant keep popping out babies til I get one. I'd end up with 5 boys probably.

So to save myself and the baby from going through that initial horrible shock and maybe sadness and emotional discord at the actual birth when the risk is there for an emotional all time low (you know because you're exhausted, still in pain, possibly recovering from a complicated birth and trying to establish breastfeeding your screaming new born) and post natal depression... I found out early to give myself a few months to wrap my head around it and give him a name and bond with him before he gets here. Also like it was horrible enough breaking the news to everyone I'm expecting my 3rd son - so many people unfortunately regard you with pity when you announce your 3rd boy... so it felt better doing it before he arrived rather than announcing it after delivery where everyone is chomping at the bit in anticipation as to what it will be.

Telling them it's a boy got all the pity out of the way and so by the time he arrives everyone will just be pleased he got here ok.

Also it stopped optimistic well wishers who were convinced this was going to be a girl for sure from buying girl clothes.

I think finding out early is better personally. I very very much want a boy, and finding out right as I give birth it's a girl would maybe spoil things a bit. If I find out a few months earlier I have time to rewrite my expectations and get used to the idea.

I want the day of the birth to be all about bonding and getting to know my little baby, getting rid of any "disappointing feelings" in advance means I can fully devote myself to that.

No I think it's better not to know until the birth. Once you've been through labour/c-section you are a mum and it doesn't matter.

I wanted a girl. I would not have wanted to know that I was having a boy at 20 weeks. Although I felt a smidgeon of disappointment when my husband told me it was a boy, it was swiftly over. Once the baby is there you get on with it. And now I think I was better suited to being a mum of a boy (stereotyping, sorry but the pinkness and ballet would not have been me at all so maybe Mother Nature knew best).

I found out with my second, because I was hoping for a boy, and didn't want to feel even slightly disappointed on the actual day. As it turned out, I was having a boy, so I guess it made no difference! But, I also think that finding out earlier gives you time to get used to the idea.

I don’t think you can find out the sex in places like India.
Personally think it’s better to be prepared and to
Know in advance if a strong preference

I think people should be bloody grateful for what they have, to be perfectly frank. Whether they find out at 20 weeks or birth.

Very very interesting replies. I remember reading a book called The Tentative Pregnancy - about various things but it did raise the issue of whether gender disappointment is less if you find out at the birth than earlier. Can't remember much about it but I think the author thought there was some evidence that that was the case. But obviously some of the anecdotal experiences here are quite different!

You'd think people would just be wanting a healthy baby.

I think its better to know before the birth to give you time to get used to the idea.

I think knowing at 20 weeks would prepare you and help you bond if this was a concern.

Should say I was delighted with both of mine! I liked knowing what I was having anyway though

I had a slight preference for a girl, so decided to wait. Knew I would love the baby no matter what and I was right. (Had a boy, he's amazing.) Also knew my hormonal pregnant over-worrying self would find it much harder to deal with. I am positive I was right about that too.

@Vehivle
Also like it was horrible enough breaking the news to everyone I'm expecting my 3rd son

Horrible to announce you were having a 3rd healthy boy? That's really sad. I hope he never knows how much you wanted a daughter instead of him.

No. I was sure dc1 was a girl. We found out at a private scan that he was a boy because our NHS trust won't tell you.

I had a very traumatic birth, the highlights of which including hallucinating through an emergency section followed by postpartum pyschosis. I think I would have been in a worse mess had I carried on believing I was having a girl whilst everyone told me that boy in the incubator was mine.

I didn't find out with dc2 because I didn't want her to be a girl because my df had just died and wanted a granddaughter. Her arrival was rather bittersweet.

I would have liked a girl for DC2. I found out at the scan that I was having a boy. I pouted for a week, then got over it and welcomed my 2nd boy with open arms. It definitely worked better for me to find out early.

I also have a friend who didn't find out and was convinced she was having a 2nd boy. She was presented with her DD and says she really struggled for months to adapt her mental picture to reality. I don't think it's always better to have a surprise.

When you're flooded with hormones you don't want to find out if you might be disappointed IMO.

This is a similar debate to parents who have children missing limbs.

A good number find out at scans now. The situation at a scan is that the chance is (99%) that the missing limb is the only issue. However in that 1% there are other disabilities, including some quite major ones (for example complete paralysis of the face). These often can't be seen until birth.

Some parents feel you are better not to know until birth, because then you see the baby and (almost always) find out it's just a missing limb and nothing worse, and you love the baby as they are.

Some parents feel the time they had to prepare for the baby to be born missing a limb (for example we met all the consultants etc) is important. Plus you can let people know beforehand so the birth announcements aren't the negative: "We've had a baby girl and she's only got one hand."

People are only human, and humans have preferences for lots of reasons. I know someone who really wanted a large baby (her first was 4lb and caused a lot of worry) for example.
I don't think someone who has a preference-and I've heard just as many want a boy, is wrong to have a preference. What would be wrong is if they make the child feel unwanted by commenting that they wanted the other in front of them when they're old enough to understand.
In the same way, I'd have preferred to have my dd with two hands, doesn't mean I love her less, or would send her back ever. Having one hand is part of her, and I can't imagine her with both-I can still wish that she did though.

yes, i agree, thats why I didnt get a sexing scan with dc3 as I already was not happy to be pregnant, and after 2 boys, i thought that if i found out during pregnancy it was another boy id feel even worse, but if i waited till the birth, id probably be OK by then, so I left dc3 as a surprise. It was actually really special part of the experience actually, and I kind of wish id done that with all 3

My husband very much wanted a boy and wanted to find out before the birth so he could get his shit together if necessary. He was worried about feeling a tinge of disappointment at another girl at the birth and hated the idea of feeling any disappointment on the day his child was born.

It wasn’t gender disappointment as such, but with my first child I was so sure I was having a boy, was picturing this little boy, calling the bump him, thinking of boy names etc I thought that I should probably check as if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be disappointed exactly but just needed to readjust my thinking. And sure enough it was a dd, so I was glad I had that time to readjust my thinking and imagining.

I have 4 (much loved and wanted) little boys. I found out the sex with my younger two, it helped me bond with them. I actually found it easier to bond with them as I already knew their names. My third son I had a very traumatic section under ga and the last thing I remember was telling the theatre nurse his name so she could call him by it when he came out.