to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

@Witchend.
“This is a similar debate to parents who have children missing limbs”

No, no it really isn’t. What a ridiculous comparison.

This is an interesting thread as I've often debated the same thing. Currently pregnant and have a slight preference for a girl.

So for the reasons you've mentioned I won't find out until birth because at that point it won't matter at all as I think I'll just be happy to have my baby.

However, it really pissed me off when people tell others how bad it is to have gender disappointment. Raising a child is a huge thing and people shouldn't be made to feel bad if they want it a certain way. Yes these preferences are usually based on generalisations but let's be honest most girls are closer to their mums than boys are especially as they get older, which is why I believe most women wants girls. It's unlikely you'll be having spa weekends and going shopping with your son, or at your sons birth when he decides to have kids. I already feel bad for DH mum as it will be my mom in the delivery room, and she's missing out on all of that. So why are people made to feel bad about having a preference?

And what really frustrates me is the argument that you should just want a healthy baby. It's like telling someone with depression to get over themselves as theres people starving in the world that are much worse off than you.

Gender disappointment is real and I think people should not be made to feel bad about talking about it.

@Boyo7 I didnt mean that I hated announcing because he was a boy. Most people had no idea of my preference- only the people very closest to me knew I had secretly hoped for a girl. But still the responses I got back were not positive as lots of people with more than 2 boys can testify. Stuff ranging from "were you hoping for a girl?" to "oh gosh 3 boys will be a nightmare!" and "poor you!". Eventually I started to hate telling people when they asked if I knew what I was having. But I still chose to tell them as I'd rather me tell them and they react to my face rather than me tell them I dont know and they find out after I give birth from the usual birth announcements and then they talk behind my back to other people with their negative comments. These are work and church people I'm referring to - not close friends but people you cant avoid day to day. I didn't want any sympathy or pity. My existing 2 boys are completely different in looks and character and are both gorgeous and very loved. The 3rd will be exactly the same. But I'm justifying WHY I chose to find out before the birth and the annoucing/telling others and their reactions was a large factor in that as well as my own feelings and needing to wrap my head around the fact it was a boy and not a girl like I had convinced myself it was. Also the fact I will now never have a daughter. It's a big thing to have to accept when I've thought about 'my future daughter' and had a name from since I was a little girl myself. So its just a big shift in accepting your life is different from the one you always thought you've had. And that's ok but I need the extra few months before he is here to go through that so when he arrives, I can be fully focused on celebrating him instead of having thoughts of my imaginary daughter creep in. I owe it to him I feel.

What a ridiculous thread.
You don't know you'll get Gender disappointment until it happens.
It's a recognised condition.
Would you say that people who suffer with PND shouldn't have had children because they should just be happy they can have children?

Usually people who have such a strong preference that they are "devastated" do so because they think that only girls and girls can only like pink and frilly shit and princesses and make up and hairstyles and so on, and only boys and boys can only like fighting and death and football and star wars, so it's very important to them to know early on because otherwise they won't know the "right" colour to paint the nursery, toys to buy, clothes, even things like blankets and car seats have to be in the right colour (apparently).

But also I agree that sometimes people just have a preference they can't really express even though they know it shouldn't make any difference and in that case having the disappointment not be at the birth so they can get over it makes sense if you look at it rationally. And I do think in that case you're absolutely right and the joy of the moment of the baby being born would eclipse all of that, but it's weird because DH and I had this a bit - DH had a weird preference for a girl he couldn't quite explain (except that he has just always had this idea that he would have a daughter) and because he was so invested in it I was fairly keen as well - but when we found out the sex in pregnancy we both felt an overwhelming rush of excitement and joy at learning DS2 would be a boy.

Bertie I don't agree with any of the first part of your post. I felt that I wanted a child who would be subject to the same sex-based life experiences as me - i. e someone to empathise with over periods etc. I then felt a weird sense of relief that my DSs would never be subject to all the negative sex-based shit I'd had to put up with. So I acknowledge my preference for a girl was irrational given the reality of being female, but I still selfishly wanted one nothing to do with pink shit at all.

@Vehivle I really am not going to kick you when you’re down but your post is pretty horrible to read. I wonder if you could do with some help sorting out your feelings. Even the way you talk about your “much desired daughter” and her “completing your family” but just “your third son” sounds like he’s not really wanted. I’m sure that’s not true and you are and will be a great mum to all of them but it’s not a nice way to talk about an innocent unborn baby.

OP I kind of agree with you. I had kind of had a slight hope that my second might be a girl but once I had him in my arms at the birth having not found out his sex pre birth I didn’t care.

I do think that while having a preference is one thing crippling gender disappointment and being “heartbroken” is not normal. Babies are all individual people and so much more than their sex.

Summersherewishiwasnt

Have you got a dc with a missing limb?
No.
I have, and I know many people who have and who have made similar comparisons about finding out beforehand.

Either way, it’s a given people want a healthy baby - but this doesn’t diminish the fact that a number of people will have a preference as to the sex - it’s human nature and no one should feel bad about admitting it. People tend get over it pretty fast once the baby has arrived, but if this is an issue knowing in advance definitely helps to prepare you.

It's unlikely you'll be having spa weekends and going shopping with your son, or at your sons birth when he decides to have kids

I’ve done neither of these things with my mum. It isn’t obligatory

I think it’s probably better to have time to come to terms rather than having to process the birth which may be whistle traumatic (probably will be if they’re giving birth in Britain), the general adjustment of having a new baby and gender disappointment.

What a ridiculous thread.
You don't know you'll get Gender disappointment until it happens.
It's a recognised condition.
Would you say that people who suffer with PND shouldn't have had children because they should just be happy they can have children?

Absofuckinglutely. I had gender disappointment. It's a very real thing. All this "I wanted a boy, but then got over it in a week" is not gender disappointment. It's staggering that its so misrepresented, that people think that's the same. I felt like DS was not mine. Like the child I was supposed to have had been taken and this imposter had been put in it's place. There was no bond. I was practically a superb mother, I went through the motions like a stepford wife, and everyone cooed over him and how well we were both doing. I guess it was fake it til you make it, but it was without doubt, the worst and hardest experience of my life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Usually people who have such a strong preference that they are "devastated" do so because they think that only girls and girls can only like pink and frilly shit and princesses and make up and hairstyles and so on, and only boys and boys can only like fighting and death and football and star wars, so it's very important to them to know early on because otherwise they won't know the "right" colour to paint the nursery, toys to buy, clothes, even things like blankets and car seats have to be in the right colour (apparently).

This is the massive problem with so many people who think they know what the condition is and "inform" others of what it is. It's beyond offensive and patronising.

I have a preference for a girl, but for me that's due to growing up with sisters and with no experience of little boys. Obviously motherhood is not something you can realistically prepare for, but I found it hard to connect with my nephew as he was such an unknown to me. Little girls were 'easier' in my mind to relate to.

This doesn't mean that I would love a boy any less than a girl, but finding out helps my mind to adjust and 'process' the change. I wouldn't have wanted there to be a flicker of disappointment at the birth, which may have arisen due to the unexpected.

There is no way I would be devastated about it, but I know deep down there would be a part of me that's a bit sad that the daughter I always imagined was to be a son. I also know that I would get over that very quickly, but just didn't want to bring those thoughts into the delivery room.

Surely it’s better to not have a baby at all if you would be disappointed in the gender.

@Vehivle none of my close circle have told me they bonded with their DC immediately after birth. Some have just admitted it took longer with one child than the other and it isn't sex specific. In other words you are normal in that regard.

@57Varieties please read my post properly. I made a point of saying this is a generalisation and I'm not stupid enough to think every daughter does this with their mother. But if you did a survey on the amount of time/phone calls/spa days/shopping trips spent between mother and child above the age of 18, the number of hours days minutes would be significantly more between mother daughter relationships than mother son.

That's all my point is lease don't take things out of context.

I'll repeat, generally speaking NOT ALL, but MOST mothers will spend more time with their daughters then sons - Theres no need for PC responses trying to deny this fact because it's bullshit.

Surely it’s better to not have a baby at all if you would be disappointed in the gender.

This is just ridiculous. You may not know you'll be disappointed until after.

Also as the odds are 50/50 I think it's reasonable for people to have children hoping they'll get the desired gender.

@57Varieties Well. I dont want to get into an online back and forth over something that's a deeply emotional topic for me. But i have to make it clear I didnt say I was heartbroken to be having a 3rd son. And my 3rd son is wanted. I found out it was a boy at 10 weeks through a private blood test so I could have easily requested an abortion had I wanted to not have him but I did not. He is my baby and so I want him and will protect him always. He will never know that I had hoped he was a girl. His brothers wont know as I've never discussed it with them. So they dont know. Only my husband and mum and best friend knew truthfully. And I kept it that way to ensure my 3rd son would be protected from knowing how I felt. I imagine 3rd and 4th kids of the same sex probably have an inkling their parents were maybe trying for an opposite so even before we knew I acted to ensure if it was a 3rd boy, he would be never know either me or his dad felt that way. Did you read my second post? Youd have seen there I love my other 2 sons with passion and I know it will be the same with our 3rd. But like PPs have said- I didnt want to cope with pain, a new baby, all the hormones that come with that AND gender disappointment. I'd rather the latter be fully sorted before he came. And I'm happy to say that I'm 90% there. With still several months to go. It's been very good for me to find out in advance.

@Ellicam - your post resonated with me. I too feel finding out beforehand helped me bond.

I've had 5 miscarriages and 2 near fatal ruptured ectopic pregnancies and now permanently infertile - i wouldn't care what I have so long as I get to take my baby home with me next time so hearing about gender disappointment just makes me mad

Most people who experience gender disappointment I imagine didn't struggle to conceive or lose a baby

My baby was born in 1992. It was just not an option then to be told the sex of a baby. I had always wanted a girl and so I knew I would be having a boy - sod's law!!! And yes - I had a boy. Now I wonder how I would ever have coped with a hormonal teenage girl!!!

I wanted a boy so badly and I found out the sex. If the baby had been a girl I'd have used the remaining 4 months of pregnancy to reset my thinking.

Also. If anyone feels that they are going through gender disappointment, and have no one to talk too (which is not surprising when you read ridiculous threads like this) then please, please, PM me. I will, and do understand. No judgement here. Just as much help and pointing you in the right direction for professional help as I can.

This affects so many women, who are made to feel "what's wrong with you?"

It's like PND is acceptable, and we should all support it, and yet this kind of birth related mental health issue is frowned upon, the unbelievable notion you won't "snap out of it" once this beautiful baby is placed in your arms. You don't. Please understand that. You absolutely don't. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you are not well and it's very treatable if you see someone. But people don't. Because of the misrepresentation everywhere. On things like this thread.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I am sorry to hear that that's happened to you, honestly my thoughts go out to you.

But I think it's unfair to angry at others who have gender disappointment.

Can you see how it's like getting angry at someone with severe depression that's wealthy and saying they're ungrateful? Or someone with PND as a result of having a baby? It isn't fair because you can't judge someone based on people that may have a more unfortunate situation it's just not right.

Everyone has a right to be upset about their own situation without having to compare and justify it to the next persons situation.

Please don't take my post the wrong way, I'm just being honest.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted that sounds utterly devastating and I’m so sorry - ultimately a healthy baby is all anyone wants to take home. But please don’t diminish what is essentially a mental health condition or think a woman shouldn’t suffer just because she could have children. It’s in a similar category to postnatal depression - also something people can’t control, but it happens - and just like gender disappointment it doesn’t give anyone a right to be mad at them for not feeling the right way about their baby.

You'd think people would just be wanting a healthy baby

But you get carried away don't you. Once you know (as far as possible) that the baby is healthy and everything is progressing fine, you start to relax and envisage the baby being here and sex is part of that visualisation.

I lost part of the placenta at 12 weeks. Had scans including routine measurement of nuchal fold so had indicators that all was fine earlier than some women might (was 16 years ago and scans probably moved on). I then started to really visualise the boy I hoped and believed I was having, them the 20w scan confirmed it.