to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

If you're going to be disappointed by your baby's gender you're probably not mature enough to be having a baby

Totally agree basil90. We make a decision to have children, not boys or girls, not blondes or brunettes, not blue eyes or brown eyes. Who knows, your longed for daughter may decide one day she's actually your son.

"If you're going to be disappointed by your baby's gender you're probably not mature enough to be having a baby*

If you're going to be depressed by your baby's arrival you're probably not mature enough to be having a baby.

Try that. No?

I wonder if it's the term "disappointment" that makes people belittle it so. As if it's just, ahhh I'm a wee bit disappointed. Such a gross misrepresentation. I wonder what the uninformed would state if it had a more "acceptable" title to them. Gender depression perhaps. I wonder if they'd be so dismissive and ignorant then. Just like the same types dismissed PND years ago.

I was a little hoping for a girl but didn't find out the sex and thought it would be a boy (as did most others!). I had a girl so can't tell you for sure that it worked :p I think it would be fine as I had been expecting a boy by then. DH was slightly hoping for a boy but got over it as soon as she arrived.

I have immense empathy for women who suffer mental health problems both in pregnancy and after giving birth. I can also understand feeling a bit disappointed if you imagined a daughter or son and life turned out differently.

Gender disappointment is not a mental illness as far as I am aware in the DSM or ICD but would prepare to admit I’m wrong if anyone can show me.

Ive just found out today that im having a third boy. I know I'll love him and I'm delighted that he looks healthy. But i am really sad that I'll never have the daughter I've dreamed of, i
I'll never have the relationship i have with my mum because the with the best will in the world, boys are different. And I'm so bored of fucking blue and grey and brown. I wanted pretty, girly dresses to buy and prom dresses to shop for etc. And i had a name ready that ive had for the last 20 years.

So i found out today, so that i can mourn for the child i wont have, without accidentally putting that disappointment on my new son

@Vehivle I think you are great in admitting you've felt disappointment. I know so many people who have said the same, but I have been shocked they said it so openly.

I wanted a boy as my first DC, and then a girl ( this was my plan.) I'm pregnant now with DC2 and didn't find out the sex with either child.

I do have some disappointment that my existing DS is not how I imagined, despite being a DS as my plan! It's hard to explain , he has some delays and is very hard work. I adore him but life is like that, how you imagine things doesn't pan out.

My MIL has 3 boys then the 4th child is the longed for girl. Honestly she is the most manly out of all of them. I wonder if that has been a disappointment for her mum. She has never said, but dotes on her very girly granddaughters. Her daughter doesn't have kids and is now of an age which it's pretty unlikely.

Empirical evidence please, @Courtney555

So i found out today, so that i can mourn for the child i wont have, without accidentally putting that disappointment on my new son

This is so important. This was a huge part of my treatment. Separating it in your mind as two individual children. Because I didn't seek help for so long (I'll say it again, because of people like the ones on this thread) my son was a real physical embodiment of a child I couldn't recognise as mine.

I went through a traumatic miscarriage since having my DS. Plus with the challenges I have had with DS and that I considered not trying again. But I felt that there was someone missing from our family and in my mind that second and final child is a girl. I can't help that. I am very grateful to be pregnant and I know a few friends suffering with secondary infertility. I haven't found out the sex for DC2, but I feel "him" as a boy. So I'll be surprised if it is a girl at birth, but that works for me to help with any disappointment.

DC1 - slight preference for a girl but thought it was a boy. Found out at the birth it was DS and genuinely not a hint of disappointment, just thrilled to have him and to be a mum.
DC2 - very strong preference for a girl, knowing we couldn’t financially have another, nor did I think I could physically do a third pregnancy. Paid for a private scan at 18 weeks as my feelings were getting very overwhelming and I just needed to know. Intense relief when I found out it was DD.
I’m just being honest, my feelings were very real. I do feel guilty for not being able to have no preference at all, like DH, but there you go.

Thanks to this thread, I have now learnt that there is a big difference between having a preference and having gender disappointment, and I’m glad I know that now.

I had a slight preference for a girl first time and so didn’t want to find out at 22week scan to not allow any disappointment, as I could never be disappointed after giving birth just elated and overjoyed it’s over and have my baby. Second time I found out but really didn’t mind

@lookingfortreasure thanks for saying that. I think a lot more women feel it than admit it because of the fear of chastisement- much like some of us have gotten on here. But I do think it's perfectly natural for parents to dream of having 1 of each. And when you've got existing children of the same sex and you're now pregnant with your last one - its understandable to have had the thought that it would be nice if it were the opposite. I dont get how people think that's so wrong.

I'm struggling with all this 'mourning' and 'grieving' ...

You can't grieve for something that hasn't died. That makes a mockery of the excruciating grief that people feel when they mourn the death of a child who living, breathing existed.

If I said I had hoped to go to Disneyland next year but now we can't, so I'm grieving that my dream never came true, then people would be

My dh wanted a girl for our first and we did indeed get dd. The second time round he wanted a son and we got ds. I did not have a preference either way although both times I guessed the sex correctly. We did have a private scan at 16 weeks with ds which was lovely however with dd we left it a surprise. I did feel a slight twinge when ds was born as I do want dd to have a sister and as I have had 2 sections can only try for one more child potentially. If we go for a 3rd dh has no preference however I sway between wanting another daughter or son. My mum has 3 girls and a son, everyone bar my dad was disappointed when my sister was born as they then had two girls. Oh the horror!

Gender disappointment is tricky.

Thanks to this thread, I have now learnt that there is a big difference between having a preference and having gender disappointment, and I’m glad I know that now.

I’m not saying GD isn’t a real issue to the people who have it but that is very different to saying it’s a recognised mental health disorder/condition. I haven’t seen anything that supports the latter and the one person on the post who insists it is hasn’t been able to provide anything either. In the absence of that, the constant attempted comparison with PND is tedious and inaccurate.

My sil has a boy she then had two miscarriages one of which was a boy and the other not confirmed as babies genitalia was not developed. She yearns for a boy. Many people would say in her circumstance she should be grateful for a healthy pregnancy and a girl yet she still wants to have another boy. Her reasons are her own.

I agree with others that these immature fucking ingrates shouldn't be having babies at all if they'll only be happy with a specific sex. Having a child is a privilege that some people aren't lucky enough to experience at all.

I’m glad I’ve never suffered gd so I wouldn’t have to deal with such ignorant comments like this.

I agree with this. I admit that with my first I really wanted a daughter. I decided that it was better not to find out because whatever they were I would love them unconditionally once they were here. As it happens she was a girl, so I can’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure whatever had appeared after labour- boy, girl or puppy- I would have been thrilled.

My first born is a girl and I always said and genuinely thought that I wouldn't mind what we had the next time! However, when they found the sex so quickly( it took 20 minutes with our first), I assumed it was a boy, and I was so so disappointed! But she was actually just sat in the perfect position and was a girl and I was so relieved! Before being scanned, I really didn't mind! I would of course had loved my new baby if she was a boy, but I would have been disappointed and would have had to come to terms with it.

I'm pretty sure my ex would have left had he known in advance he wasn't having a son. As it was, not knowing until the birth meant that he got to tell me what we had - and he was over the moon. I didn't have a clue either way - and didn't care, reasoning that if we were meant to know in advance, we'd have bright pink or bright blue bellies.

Knowing the baby is healthy/isn't is what matters.

But then again, I never wanted to spoil a surprise by opening a Christmas present early, either.

Gender disappointment is so real and so hard to explain to those that don’t understand! I’m sure many people have 3rd or 4th children to try get the opposite gender but never admit it. I definitely still grieve for the daughter relationship I will never have, the pain is not as severe as it was but it will always be there. This has nothing to do with my sons who are absolutely loved and adored and I would never change them for a girl. I also lost babies and was extremely grateful I could get pregnant and have a healthy baby.
Sending hugs to all those currently suffering! It does get easier and makes sense over time.

There is clearly a massive difference between on the one hand hoping for one sex, 'pouting' for a bit when it wasn't the one you wanted and then moving on and on the other hand experiencing what some posters have experienced.

I feel sorry for women who have apparently experienced real mental illness over GD and I feel sorry for women who have been unable to have children and would feel grateful for either sex (I needed IVF and definitely fell into the latter category).

But @Courtney555 your posts have been quite unnecessarily aggressive. I'm sorry for what you've been through but @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted has been through something you clearly can't comprehend in not being able to successfully conceive and likewise she can't comprehend your experiences. That can be acknowledged without people being so hostile.