to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

@Vehivle

“I just couldn't wait to know if my 3rd child was my much desired daughter to complete our family or my 3rd Son”

“anticipation that this may be my longed for daughter”

I’m not a troll and was merely expressing what your post made me feel.

I simply cannot fathom having a child in order to risk the 50% chance of getting the sex you are desperate for when the 50% alternative is such misery that you feel like this.
I’m glad you love your boys and I’m sure you do. But any child would struggle with knowing that their mother had to have months in order to cope with the utter disappointment of who they are. I just hope your sons never find that out. I’d imagine you do too.

@Vehivle

Feel really sorry for your sons. Before I had any children I had a preference for a girl, just because it was what I knew and I was a very girly girl myself. After my first son was born, however, I couldn't have cared less if I had a girl or not because every single cliche I'd believed about boys turned out to be untrue. my now three sons are the lights of my life.
I find it incredibly sad that your longing for a daughter continued and that your boys weren't enough somehow. I hope they never pick up on it but that's unlikely.

@Courtney555 to be honest reading this thread made me open my eyes to how bad GD could be. Although before reading this thread I still wouldn't have considered my feelings to be GD.

I must admit I didn't realise how strong my preference was for a girl until I had the sex scan.

when I was told it was a boy I went through a rollercoaster of emotions I really didn't expect. I'll admit I got home and sobbed- I was then so so ashamed of myself! It was bizarre. I'm glad I found out though as it's allowed me to readjust my thinking and now there is nothing but love and excitement. I feel like it's got any unpleasant feelings out of the way and now I can't wait to meet my little boy.

We are allowed to feel how we feel. I know I am so lucky to be having this baby, but I couldn't help the emotions that I had and it doesn't make me ungrateful. Having some initial gender disappointment isn't going to make you a bad parent and it doesn't make you a bad person.

What? Four pages, and no one has pointed out that you don't know what gender the child is until it's old enough to speak and tell you?

@Courtney555
I had no idea that gender disappointment was a recognised condition!
Sorry, in that case I didn't experience gender disappointment , I just had a preference for a girl.

🤔 I’m really saddened by the negative/shaming attitude toward gender disappointment.

Lets take a moment to appreciate that pregnancy hormones are intense and nobody knows how they’ll feel!

I began my planned pregnancy with NO preference, never even considered that I would mind!
Having had the most horrific pregnancy (HG, depression (Caused by HG), multiple scares/every side effect going)...I now find myself with a strong preference and feel like crying at the thought of it being the ‘wrong’ gender. I don’t know why, I don’t understand why but it’s how I feel and no amount of ‘reasoning’ helps. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

I’m going to find out before the birth as I worry it would stop me bonding with baby to find out at the time. Personally I think if you really do feel intensely about gender it’s quite dangerous to wait until the birth.

@whatevskev I'm aware of that. And that's why if you'd taken the time to read my other posts- you'd have seen I went to great lengths to ensure my 3rd son would never find out. I only told 3 people of my secret hope it was a girl.

And I'm not going to lie on an online anonymous forum - i used the words "longed for" because I have wanted a daughter for a very long time. Since I was a girl, I'd picked out a name and had kept it ready to give my one day daughter to this day. It was a hard transition to realise this would end up never happening. I did take time to grieve the fact I never will have a daughter. I never pictured myself having 3 boys in a row but there you are.

And it's not about me liking pink or ballet or any of that nonsense. I'm a huge tom boy myself. I've not worn a skirt or dress since I stopped wearing school uniform. I have short hair, I don't wear make up or jewellery or nail varnish. I dont care about fashion. Im pretty butch and if my 3rd child had been a daughter, I'd have dressed her in the same hand me downs her brothers wore as babies because I'm of the view until children get to the age where they want to choose their clothes, they aren't going to worry or remember the fact they were dressed in hand me downs. I'm not bothered about my kids looking stylish or cute. They look cute to me regardless!

It was more about having another female in my immediate family. And the experience of raising a daughter. You either have that or you dont. Same with raising sons. I guess I was greedy for wanting to experience both.

It would have been the same for a boy had I had 3 girls. Though I admit, the desire for a daughter is maybe stronger because I'd wanted one for so long and that's probably because I am a woman and so wanted to have the chance to raise one.

It's a recognised condition.

Recognised by whom? It's not in the DSM.

It's only very recently been separated from just falling under the fairly broad umbrella of PND. A lot of women that have/had it were to ashamed to reveal that their feelings were GD

Why just women? Surely it affects men just as often? Many men seem disappointed by their daughters.

It's very much recognised, and again, it was debilitating, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

When I was with my first DH, we planned to have a child. It didn't happen. But we both spoke about how nice our first son would be. It was a preference.

With my now ex, as soon as I was pregnant, it was my daughter. At the 20 week scan, it felt like my world imploded. I collapsed. I cried. Every day, until he was about 10mths old. I couldn't function. I mourned my little girl and stared blankly at the child that wasn't mine who had taken her place. There must have been a mistake. This was not my child.

My son at 11, has no siblings, because I was so petrified of getting GD again, that him being an only child seemed a far better option. Anything but put him, myself, and another child through that.

I'm now with DH2, and we're expecting twins. He doesn't know about my prior GD and wanted to know what we were having. Turns out one of each. And it feels so weird. Because I'm not bothered at all. Two girls? Sure, whatever. Two boys? Sure, whatever. One of each? Why not. I'm just excited to meet them! It's almost inconceivable to me to feel like this. Is this how "normal" women feel in pregnancy?! My god, how unrecognisable from last time.

I feel so sad for DS, and the cloud he was born under. Now I see how it is to feel "normal" this time round. I can't change it though. I was sick. I needed help and although I got it eventually, I didn't get it soon enough. And I didn't because of so very many threads like this, convincing me I was nothing more than a spoilt, self indulgent brat who didn't get what I wanted.

Because I'm not bothered at all. Two girls? Sure, whatever. Two boys? Sure, whatever. One of each? Why not.

Perhaps you can be so blase now because you know you are having the girl you so pined for before. Again, poor son.

I just don't get it.

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt

If you want to talk any further, please PM me and I can tell you the right avenues to go down to seek help. My one regret is not seeking help sooner.

I now find myself with a strong preference and feel like crying at the thought of it being the ‘wrong’ gender. I don’t know why, I don’t understand why but it’s how I feel and no amount of ‘reasoning’ helps. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

I didn't understand why either. There was no rationale. It was just so desperately wrong.

And you absolutely are not a bad person. I'm here if you need an ear. Anytime

@Quirrelsotherface Your argument is ridiculous. It's nothing about my boys being "enough". If your first son was "enough" why did you go on to have more children? Surely he was "enough"?

What you're doing is twisting the argument. My boys as individuals are absolutely enough - but that doesn't mean that I didnt feel I had it in me to want and love another child. Which is why we went on to have more children after our 1st. And I dont think it's wrong that as a mother of 2 boys, to have had the tiny hope that the 3rd and last would - first and foremost be healthy- but also maybe be a girl.

I genuinely dont see anything wrong with that and I think its perfectly natural to want to experience having a boy and a girl. I would feel otherwise if the feelings continued after the child was born and the mother felt immense regret that he wasnt a boy etc. Then, I wouldnt judge them, but I would suggest they speak to someone about their feelings who can help for the sake of their child. That isnt what is happening with me. We knew we always wanted 3 kids. With it being our last I knew I had preference for a girl. Equally I knew there was a 50% chance it would be a boy so I found out as far in advance as I could so I could ensure by the time the baby arrived - if it was a 3rd boy, I'd feel nothing but happiness and celebration at his arrival because that's the birth I felt he deserved to have. I did it so I could be the best mother for him. I didnt want his birth shadowed in the slightest by thoughts of my hope he was a girl. Hence why I found out early which is what this entire thread is about- whether we should find out early.

And I took massive precautions in ensuring he would never find out otherwise by confiding in only 3 very close people.

I know the first time around I hoped for a girl and my husband hoped for a boy. I teared up in awe that we were having a boy at 12 weeks even though the sonographer told me I couldn’t know that. It was a boy.

Second time around, same thing, both husband and I had the same preference, but I didn’t want to know because I was unsure how I would feel so they told my husband. I still felt connected to my baby and went back and forth with wanting to know and not. Welcomed my second son and couldn’t imagine a life or world without him or his brother.

I knew why I hoped for a girl:

-I’m a girl so I could easily relate to her on most of what comes with it.
-I wanted to give her the love I didn’t get from my own mum.
-I hoped for the close relationship I didn’t get from my own mum.
-I dreamed about having a daughter since I was a child.

I come from a matriarchal family on both sides, one of two daughters, and have a lot of aunts and female cousins. I do have uncles and male cousins, but they were either much older or much younger than me and my experience with boys wasn’t great and most of my childhood and teens consisted of being bullied and harassed by them. It was no secret that my father wanted sons and pushed me into sports while also using me being a girl against me whenever I showed emotion which was when he would lash out at me for something my mother did (I tear up when I’m furious).

Having sons was a massive learning curve for me and still is. I do find it overwhelming at times and a bit lonely, but I wouldn’t change my boys for the world. I do fear the teen years though. The thought of socks behind their desks and crusty towels makes me cringe .

What didn’t help after my second son were the questions of if we were going to try for a third, and it will hopefully be a girl next time. The “you’ll make a great mil someday” or “hopefully you’ll have granddaughters “ annoys me even more. I want my sons to be happy regardless if they decide to get married or have children. I’m not fussed about becoming a mil or a grandma.

What also annoys me is the hypocrisy when it comes to fathers and mothers where it’s ok for fathers to be disappointed, but not for mothers that I’ve noticed.

You'd think people would just be wanting a healthy baby
I think people who have never struggled with fertility or experienced miscarriage have a kind of fortunate naivety about them, where for them it’s a given that the baby will be healthy. So they can focus on such things as the OP is 🤷🏻‍♀️

Perhaps you can be so blase now because you know you are having the girl you so pined for before.

Perhaps you can't get your head around something so make offensive statements like that.

Again, poor son.

Understand. You should feel ashamed of that comment.

I just don't get it.

Well, that's one thing that you've got right.

^sorry not as the OP is personally, but i meant the issues that they mention.

Not going to lie- I wanted a girl. It was my dream. We even booked a 16 week scan as I was desperate to know. I would have needed time to come to terms with it if it was a boy.

She was a girl.

Now I realise how ridiculous I was and if we had a second I wouldn’t find out because I don’t care.

According to my "father," after having my sister, I was supposed to have been a boy. I wasn't, and what a disappointment for my father. He left when I was 2.

Be fucking grateful for your babies, whatever their sex. Ffs.

Vehivle

Oh I don't think it's a ridiculous argument. In answer to your question the reason I went on to have more children was because it had always been my dream to have three, like, y'know, how your dream was to always have a girl?

I think it's the language you used in your original post, very emotive. You can hear the longing and I just thought it sounded sad.

I also think it's interesting on MN how it's perfectly acceptable to say you are disappointed in a boy, however if you suggest that a Dad is disappointed in a daughter you are shouted down. In reality, I see it and hear about it a lot.

You'd think people would just be wanting a healthy baby

Are you under the illusion that GD is a choice? Like you have any control over whether you get it?

I didn't feel grateful at all that my baby was healthy. I felt nothing. It wasn't my baby.

I have experienced a MC. It's had zero effect on me getting/not getting GD with my other two pregnancies.

These two, yes, I am not bothered what they are, as long as they are healthy and happy. I think about it a lot. I'd be just as happy with two boys, and I almost can't process how I genuinely feel this way. Having these two, has really hammered home how sick I was before.

I've never wanted a particular sex child. I've never found out the sex of a baby before birth.

I find this all weird. You get pregnant because you want a child. It doesn't matter what sex that child is.

I never had a preference however I was convinced my first was a boy from about 12 weeks. I’d visualised him and named him before the 20 week scan. I found out not because I feared I’d be disappointed but just so I knew. He was a boy.

I understand your point but then if you’ve convinced yourself it’s one sex and it isn’t it could affect your bond whereas you get chance to get over that surprise and readjust before birth.

I'm not agreeing with the OP in the sense that you SHOULDNT have a baby If you're likely to feel disappointment

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted, I'm the OP and I never said that you shouldn't have a baby if you're likely to find him/her a disappointment I don't know where you got that from. I said you shouldn't find out the sex until the baby is born.