to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

I think people who have never struggled with fertility or experienced miscarriage have a kind of fortunate naivety about them, where for them it’s a given that the baby will be healthy. So they can focus on such things as the OP is 🤷🏻‍♀️

^ this

@Courtney555
Blessed with twins.....as I suspected you've been fortunate not to have suffered infertility and loss of a baby and you're very lucky

So perhaps try not to be so rude to those of us who can't possibly identify with your "struggles" just as you could never identify with those who long for a baby but can't have one and genuinely wouldn't care whether it's all boy triplets so long as they get to hold them

@Valanice1989
Apologies - someone else posted that 🤦‍♀️

Blessed with twins.....as I suspected you've been fortunate not to have suffered infertility and loss of a baby and you're very lucky

Did you gloss over the bit where I said I had a MC?

@Courtney555

I can't find any empirical evidence for your assertions that gender disappointment is a disorder akin to PND. Can you share your data on this?

Woman A: this is my experience, I can't really explain it but this is how I felt.

Woman B: so stupid, you should have felt like this.

I wish women would stop dismissing other women's experiences because they cannot comprehend or understand them. A lot of mental health issues don't have a logical rationale, why is it okay to tell people they should feel ashamed for feeling a certain way when they have no control over it. Having a preference is different to experiencing disappointment and a lot of the attached challenges of that. Yes everyone wishes for a healthy baby, but they also wish for a healthy birth and state of mind; that doesn't always happen.

@Courtney555
No didn't see that in any of your replies to me.

And no. I don't know how it must feel not to be able to have children.

So I don't speak on those people's behalf.

What people seem to think it's ok to say though, is they'd be grateful for any child under any circumstance and berate those of us who have had horrendous experiences.

You need to open your mind. Because let me tell you, if you had a crushing illness that took over the pregnancy and birth, and ongoing parenting of a child, if you had the first idea how that was, then you wouldn't be making statements as ridiculous as "you should be grateful".

But apparently, we're not allowed to be anything other than grateful because no matter how life destroying the experience was, we are lucky to have had it.

Massive double standards.

The thing is though, hoping for a child of one sex doesn’t mean you’ll be disappointed with the child if they’re not the sex you hoped for.

I don't think that's true. Imagine if your husband told you that he wished he'd married his ex instead of you, and then added that that didn't mean he was disappointed with you. If a woman posted on here that her husband had said that, she'd be told to LTB!

@Tippety well said!

I don't understand why people think they can valid the next persons mental illness. It's wrong and women need to stop doing it on MN

I had a preference and didn’t find out. My baby was the opposite sex and I really really wish I had found out in advance so I knew and was ready, so that I was prepared and happy about it at the birth.

My preference was based around the baby I had before dying neonatally. From what I understand a significant proportion of women whose babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth do have a preference. Usually that preference is for the same sex again.

No worries, @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted.

What crushing illness @Courtney555?

@LilacIris

My goodness. My heart goes out to you

@Quirrelsotherface so you acknowledge that you dreamt of having 3 children yet I am wrong for dreaming of having a daughter? Weird.

The longing was there and real. But that doesn't mean I dont love my sons. All 3 of them.

And with regards to your last comment re dads - I've never seen that on mumsnet or experienced it myself in real life so I cant comment on that.

Vehivle

My original point if you read back was that I actually had a preference for a girl myself when I found out I was pregnant. However I didn't feel crushing disappointment when he was a boy and any feeling I had for a preference disappeared as SOON as he was born so with my subsequent pregnancies I was almost hoping for another boy each time.

I hear you. You love your sons. We are all different as is evidenced in this thread. Peace to you, I'm signing out.

@Valanice1989 you’re completely misunderstanding the relationship/love between a woman/partner and a parent/child. Do you have children?

I didn't find out with my last two, could not be happier with any of them though regardless of gender because they are just the most amazing kids ever (the rest of the world doesn't always agree, but what do they know?). I wish I hadn't found out with any of them, it makes a brilliant surprise even better, and all the midwives get excited to know too. I am not normally a fan of surprises, but my kids surprise me every day in little ways.

They all have the same interests anyway and have gender neutral (ish) toys, clothes, bedrooms, from choice. My daughter is not the girliest though, so I think if I'd wanted a little doll to dress up I'd have been sorely disappointed.

@Courtney555 just stop it will you. Stop trying to convince people that GD can be a crushing illness. It really fucking isn’t.

And don’t get all shirty with @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted, you’re being hideously insensitive.

I’m with itwas. I had years of miscarriages/infertility. Was so grateful to carry a baby to term. Fucking elated with my little lad (he’s 2 and the apple of my eye!). I can’t ever imagine being disappointed by sex.

In the absence of infertility etc I can sort of understand why some people get caught up in gd but I also agree with @BertieBotts - I think in the main it’s for superficial reasons. I feel sorry for the babies.

• @Courtney555 just stop it will you. Stop trying to convince people that GD can be a crushing illness. It really fucking isn’t.*

Well said. I've asked twice now for the science behind the claim.

Courtney555 just stop it will you. Stop trying to convince people that GD can be a crushing illness. It really fucking isn’t.

Courtney555 just stop it will you. Stop trying to convince people that PND can be a crushing illness. It really fucking isn’t.

Again, try that one.

I think people who have never struggled with fertility or experienced miscarriage have a kind of fortunate naivety about them, where for them it’s a given that the baby will be healthy. So they can focus on such things as the OP is

I try really hard not to be judgmental about sex preferences - and I've read lots of MN threads where people explain that it was a real mental health issue for them, and I am sympathetic to that - but I can't help but also feel that it's often the preserve of the very lucky. It's my issue, I know, and part of a bigger one - I mostly feel like I'm over my miscarriages now I have DS, but I still feel an intense jealousy of people who get pregnant and just assume it'll all be ok and they'll be holding a healthy baby in 9 months, so maybe I'm not.

GD is NOT interchangeable with PND.

And an amputated arm is not interchangeable with an amputated leg. Still both exist though don't they...

We were convinced we were having a boy, and because of this I was a disappointed (if that’s the right word, I just felt really weird) when we found out it was a girl. Then starting buying little outfits and picked out girls name, planned nursery colour scheme and got really excited to meet my princess. Then at next scan found out it was a boy after all, and was upset as I felt that my princess had been taken away (while fully acknowledging that she had never existed and I was getting the boy I was certain I was carrying from when I first found out I was pregnant).
Wish we hadn’t bothered finding out at all and just enjoyed the pregnancy and anticipation. Now DS is here I wouldn’t change a hair on his head and I regret any negative feelings I ever had during my pregnancy.

I don't understand why people think they can valid the next persons mental illness. It's wrong and women need to stop doing it on MN

Amen. The level of harmful ignorance is staggering.