to think if you're worried about gender disappointment, it's best not to find out the baby's sex until the birth?

[Valanice1989]

On various parenting forums, I quite frequently see threads from women who are "devastated" to learn their baby's sex at the anomaly scan (boys seem to be the main source of disappointment). In almost all of these threads, at least one person says, "Don't worry, once your baby is born, you'll love them so much that you wouldn't swap them for the world."

If this is true, surely gender disappointment can be skipped altogether simply by not asking to learn the sex at the scan in the first place? I'm not saying it'll work in every case: Anne Bolelyn is proof that gender disappointment existed long before scans. Similarly, I doubt the men who insist that their wives have abortions because their culture views girls as inferior would be capable of loving a daughter under any circumstances. But barring strict cultural beliefs or severe mental illness, surely most people won't be disappointed in the baby once it's actually here?

Itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted ♥️

Most people who experience gender disappointment I imagine didn't struggle to conceive or lose a baby

Oh really. Why don't you try:

Most people who experience PND I imagine didn't struggle to conceive or lose a baby.

And see how you get on.

Hi, no I know you didn’t say you were heartbroken, @Vehivle, I was referencing another poster, that’s what I get trying to MN and shout at my own boys at the same time ;)

Good luck with the baby when he arrives, i bet he’s a gorgeous wee squish.

Having a quite dysfunctional relationship with my own mother, I was very anxious about how to deal with having a daughter of my own. I found finding out the sex at 20weeks was actually hugely helpful in coming to terms with the idea, before she arrived. DD is awesome and I adore her tiny bones. It's actually been a revelation as to how unusual my own DM was in her parenting and that it wasnt my fault.

I think I’d rather have time to adjust if there was a chance I was going to be disappointed, rather than risk pnd by finding out whilst my hormones are all over!

I’m not going to find out the next one precisely because I don’t mind at all what it is, so it’ll be a nice surprise either way!

@Courtney555
Your reply makes no sense

We are talking about gender disappointment NOT PND

This is the massive problem with so many people who think they know what the condition is and "inform" others of what it is. It's beyond offensive and patronising

Is it really a recognised mental health condition in the same way as depression, anxiety etc?

Most posts where people have GD are rooted in gender stereotypes though. Not just the things you mention but things like girls being closer to their mums etc.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted they are of a similar nature - you don’t wish for either of them, and you can’t control if you feel either of them. Both can have a significant impact on the mother’s mental health, but it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have had a baby or that she won’t be a good parent.

@Herewegoagain84
I'm not diminishing it but if people considered themselves lucky to be having a baby in the first place theyd likely feel less disappointed....

No, you were dismissing GD. As so many people do.

And yet they're quite on board with PND.

So for every time someone tells a woman how sorry they feel for her precious children because she's got this fictional self-indulgent, gender disappointment, I'm going to replace the words "gender disappointment" with PND. Until it sinks in how unacceptable it is to treat people with GD like this. Because you damn well wouldn't if they had PND.

@whatevskev - lol are you a troll?? You clearly didnt read any of my previous posts where I emphasised clearly how loved my other 2 boys are and how I found out early BECAUSE I felt I owed it to my 3rd son to have only feelings of pure happiness and celebration on his birthday. I didnt want even a flicker of thought that I had hoped he was a girl. Which I knew is what would have happened had I not found out prior to his birth and taken the time to get myself ready for a 3rd boy and not a girl. If I'd delivered without knowing what it was and my heart still holding out for a girl over a boy- it would have been deeply unfair for that boy. So that's why I did it. I loved my 3rd son, even before I knew he was my 3rd son. I did it for him so I could be the mother I should be for him.

Honestly your response is so nasty and so clearly without reading my other posts. It really feels like you're just some horrid troll jumping onto people who have expressed a vulnerability because you get some sick enjoyment. I suggest you fuck off and shit elsewhere if you enjoy it so much. I would suggest your own doorstep.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I’m sorry but you can’t be insinuating that those with gender disappointment don’t consider themselves lucky . Again, you cannot always control these things. As someone else has already said up the thread, this is akin to saying a depressed person isn’t grateful. You have to separate the uncontrollable mental aspect of it to reality. Humans are more complicated than that!

@Herewegoagain84
I'm not agreeing with the OP in the sense that you SHOULDNT have a baby If you're likely to feel disappointment

But I also think you should take a long look at yourselves and consider how fortunate you are compared to others

Is it really a recognised mental health condition in the same way as depression, anxiety etc?

Yes. It's on my medical notes. It's only very recently been separated from just falling under the fairly broad umbrella of PND. A lot of women that have/had it were to ashamed to reveal that their feelings were GD, so it got classified under more general term as they hid a the source of their angst, but sought help under the basis that they weren't bonding with their DC correctly, or that they felt depressed. They just pretended they didn't know why.

And you only have to read threads like this to see why.

The thing is though, hoping for a child of one sex doesn’t mean you’ll be disappointed with the child if they’re not the sex you hoped for. You can have more than one thought process at a time! It’s more that, however much you wanted another baby, finding out the baby isn’t the sex you’d hoped for can be quite final.

I have a DS. I’m pregnant with our second and, almost certainly, final child. Finding out he is also a boy has been bittersweet - we’re excited, we have names picked out, DS gets a brother, and it feels in so many ways like this is the right baby to join our family.

But I’m not going to pretend I’m not sad that I’ll never have a daughter - being the mother of a daughter is a life experience and relationship I hoped I’d have and now that door has closed. It doesn’t mean I’m disappointed to have DS2 coming to join us at all - I can be pleased about that while also a little sad I’ll never have a girl.

Oh, and I chose to find out early on to get used to the idea and for me, personally, that was absolutely the right choice.

That’s interesting, I’ve not read anything that suggests it’s an actual discrete medical condition in its own right.

I am also beyond grateful to be having a second child - not only do I already have one child, there was a long period when I didn’t think I would get to have another. So trust me, this is a very wanted baby.

@Courtney555

You can replace GD with PND all you like - it's still not the same

GD is about not getting something you want.....

I really wanted to have a girl and so did DH. I wouldn't go as far as saying it was gender disappointment but we did have a strong preference.

I always said I wouldn't find out the sex but when I fell pregnant the need for not knowing was intensified because I never wanted to ever feel disappointed with having a healthy baby just because it's a boy not a girl. I knew that on the day of the birth I wouldn't mind either way, but if I found out beforehand I would have been disappointed.

As it happened we had a boy and I think deep down I knew he was a boy towards the end. Although for the first half of my pregnancy I tried to convince myself it was a girl. I can't imagine having a girl now and if we had another, although I would love a girl I would be equally happy with a boy. I still wouldn't want to find out though because I love the not knowing.

Personally it depends on each individual. I knew how I would react if I found out beforehand but I can understand others finding out to give them time to get used to the idea.

@57Varieties - hey i saw your reply and appreciated it. Gives context you have boys of your own. And I agree I am sure he will be as beautiful and funny and cheeky as my existing 2 boys are. I am looking forward to meeting him.

That’s interesting, I’ve not read anything that suggests it’s an actual discrete medical condition in its own right.

This is not your fault. There are still "sources" on the internet that claim it's not. Makes my blood boil. Fifty years ago, transgender people were "freaks". Stared at in the street. It's taken that long for society to recognise it's bullshit attitude towards these people and do something about it.

GD is very much still in the "stared at in the street phase".

*You can replace GD with PND all you like - it's still not the same"

"GD is about not getting something you want....*

I literally can't even start with how clueless this is....

I really wanted to have a girl and so did DH. I wouldn't go as far as saying it was gender disappointment but we did have a strong preference.

Thank you for acknowledging the difference. So many view having a preference as GD.

To give an idea that's like me getting sad for a couple of weeks about, say, cancelling a holiday, then poo-pooing people with medical depression, because, y'know, I've been "upset" as well.

Again, if you are suffering, and you need someone to talk to, I am here, and I can give you a list of places that will help you. You are not alone, and you can get help

You are allowed to be disappointed if you find out your baby isn’t the sex you’d hoped for. We are only human and can’t help picturing how we expect our lives to be, that includes the gender of our imagined children. It seems only natural to me that if you have two of one sex and go for a third you would want it to be the opposite sex, surely that’s how most people would feel?!

It doesn’t mean you love your child less when it does arrive, but if you feel you could be disappointed, it’s probably a good idea to find out what you’re having early to give you chance to get over your disappointment before baby arrives.

You should only have a surprise if you genuinely don’t mind what you have.