In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

Oh op. This is awful and you sound so so sad. Is nobody in his family nice to you? This is so horrible.

Mental health DOES NOT affect your rights as a parent!!!
They don't even take babies away from mums if they get committed!
Unless your likely to harm them.
You are the stable figure in their life, your the one who imposes rules etc, when spoken to - a child may say oh dad is fun and mum makes me do chores etc but that will look GOOD in your favour! And the kids actually have no say in who they live with, the judges will ALWAYS stand by a mother.
You'd have to be getting high, wasted or abusive to lose them! 💐

If you can't leave yet...
Start to make detailed notes about his behaviour so you have a record.
Start saving.
Stop the children from visiting the in laws! Seriously stand up to him, until they treat you with respect then YOUR children aren't going to be around that kind of behaviour.
You are the most important person to them. Remember that!

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

Leave him and have your own Christmas and special occasions with your kids. He sounds like an arsehole.

Oh and please don't tell the landlord anything until you have a plan of action in place and are prepared to leave. Otherwise whatever you say to your landlord now has a strong chance of getting back to your husband.

This sounds like domestic abuse so you may get legal aid.
Check out your rights, it may make you stronger in confronting your husband.
If you are set on leaving get support and start planning. If you just want things to improve you have to find a way of making him listen. Find your anger and let him know this can't go on.
I hope you are with dc at Xmas. Good luck

OP just read one of your posts. So, they are calling you a 90 year old, yet they are all under 35 and inject their faces with botox on fillers 😂 please see the stupidity in their comments and don't take it to heart. They are idiots.

OP, you poor love. Being called 'ugly' is bad enough (and how puerile, too) but then to be called names a second-time by your own husband, at the same time as he's accusing you of dishonesty, is the pits.

These people are utterly horrendous. You're obviously vulnerable and your comment that 'My children love their father more' made me ache for you. I suspect this isn't true, but that statement alone clearly indicates that your self-esteem is shot to pieces, and no bloody wonder if that's the kind of attitude that constantly surrounds you. Your own past won't have helped. I echo PP's wise advise that some counselling could really help you. You might even reach a place where you're no longer willing to accept such appalling behaviour, because YOU deserve better. (Yes, you do. And you should keep reminding yourself of this).

for you, and for them. My very first biscuit! I normally find this icon beyond annoying, but if ever a case deserved an exception, this one does. They are rare pieces of work.

Sorry OP, the Christmas thing is terrible and nearly has me in tears. The fact that you actively hide this from colleagues shows that you know it is not normal. I think you probably know that you need to do something, and that it is not just his family that are the problem.

I'm so sad for you OP, you don't deserve this. Nobody does. Could you maybe do some volunteering on Christmas Day afternoon, so that you are not sat alone at home and have some company? I hope that you will find light in your life again OP, you've made the first step in posting her on MN.

My heart breaks for you OP. When you are abused as a child it really affects your self esteem and you can end up caught up with an abusive man and family. I’m guessing he sold his family as ‘close” and his family probably feel they can do what they like. You might be over strict with your children to compensate for the chaos of your life. Your DH can see your weaknesses and is using them against you. You say your children are closer to your husband but that’s just your lack of self esteem talking. When you are abused as a child you can’t always trust your instinct as your instinct is that you are worth nothing as this is what you have been told. I think counseling would help and I would tell your husband Christmas Day, the children are to be with you as is the normal position in every household where parents are together. If he has a problem with this, he can leave. You are not doing your children any favors by telling them you are worth less to them than his sisters or his mother.

You can self-refer for NHS counselling. Google the name of your council and IAPT and you should find the number and online form. Make it clear to them that you are a experiencing emotional abuse and you should get priority

I know it's really hard but do you ever challenge them when they say something vile to you? Even with the MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Or "why are you so rude to me? Even with people I dislike I'm able to be polite. It's not healthy for the children to see adults behaving like playground bullies"

I think it might be worth considering marriage counselling before you make the final decision to leave.

This is horrible, like a modern day Cinderella story.

Please take steps to finding something beyond this awful family life - I agree with everyone who has suggested counselling, but perhaps in addition take up a hobby and meet some new people, give yourself some time to flourish and perhaps a friendship network will develop.

From now on though, kids stay at home for Christmas. He can take them to grandparents on Boxing Day and you can use that time to have a long bubble bath (and maybe a glass of wine with the new friends you are going to make).

Your not a sad loser, he’s awful for doing this to you but he is essentially under the thumb and you can’t change that.

I’m glad you have a degree and a job, keep your head down and plan your escape. There’s no point rocking the boat right now.

I’m sorry your life is like this OP. You deserve better.

This Christmas, GO there OP. Enjoy yourself and give back every single time. If they ignore you, laugh at them. If they say anything, say it back to them and ask if they really meant to be so nasty. What happens worst case? They will ask you to leave. Go with your kids and husband. If your H wants to stay, he stays. Kids go with you.

Don’t divorce before giving it back!

Use the weeks leading to xmas to focus on your kids and make them understand who their real family is.

Oh OP, this is so very sad. You are being abused, no better way of putting it really. Your ‘D’H and his family are abusing you, nasty vile bullies.

You need to leave as soon as you can, this won’t improve and they are going to grind you down to the ground.

I didn't want to read and run.
You've had some really good advice further up.
Please leave, you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

And for what it’s worth, you don;t sound remotely like a loser to me.

You rose from an abusive, neglectful childhood, educated yourself to degree level, found gainful employed and are raising two kids with the love, routine and attention you weren’t given yourself.

That’s actually fucking amazing. When someone puts you down, remind yourself of all that you’ve achieved against the odds. You rock.

(Also, all those fillers at such a young age will probably leave your SILs looking like Mickey Rourke in years to come. The long term on that stuff is completely unknown!)

Op, do you know what’s the best revenge? Your happiness. Be very very happy. Take therapy, deal with your issues and find happiness. Your nasty inlaws LOVE seeing you sad, alone and miserable. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Be super happy and see them burn in jealousy!

But how has it come about that you are invited round there at other times of the year but specifically not at Christmas?

That part makes no sense unless there’s something else in the mix here e.g. that OP is/was JW and didn’t celebrate Christmas or from another religion which doesn’t celebrate Christmas and hence the family want Christmas in their own way iyswim?

I’m not blaming anyone here, if the comments about the OP’s appearance etc are anything to go by then there’s no doubt that these are dreadful people.

But the Christmas bit makes no sense as OP does go round there at other times of the year.

AlternativeP - I presume it’s because the house is also stuffed with aunties/uncles and cousins at Christmas but space isn’t a premium on ordinary days? OP is lower down the priority list and gets bumped off the bottom of the list.

I’d also suspect they exclude OP specifically at Christmas to drive home the point of how much they dislike her and in an effort to be overtly cruel. They are sadistic.

He is abusive if he’s apply to separate you from your children on Christmas Day. If Christmas means his family (but not his wife), then he can go alone.

Please ring Women’s Aid. This is really awful.

I met him at university, we had mutual friends and we got on really well. He really was a different person then, I thought I’d hit the jackpot with him. I come from a terrible childhood, a lot of memories have been suppressed, and I have no intention of opening up that can of worms ever again.
My school life was diabolical, I was bullied severely for my looks, I’d come home for another round of bullying. For me, a man to show interest and love me was amazing, I felt I’d won the lottery. To have that feeling that there is someone in the world who has fallen for me is indescribable. I finally felt I was worth something when I met him.

I was happy for a long time, but once he introduced me to his family it began to change. They were really nice at first but slowly the comments started here and there.

I can’t really explain how it started, it wasn’t like I knew they were horrible right away. It was a comment then I’d think did I hear that right? It wasn’t enough to call someone out on it. Sorry it’s very hard to articulate how they actually are, for example I’d be wearing a black dress. One of them would say oh you aren’t wearing that out are you? I’d say yes why? They’d say oh nothing and leave it at that. The whole evening I’d be thinking shit do I look like a mess in this dress? But it’s not enough for me to say to my husband look what your sister just sad. I’ve always felt unsure whether it’s in my head or not. I haven’t said anything in years, as I’m still worried it was all in my head.

I go to my in laws house for the sake of my children, my little girl always say mummy are you coming too? It breaks my heart to see her face drop when I say no, so that’s why I went as my girl was upset about starting school and I wanted to keep her happy. At Christmas it’s different they are excited about seeing their cousins and all the toys so they don’t really care as much if I go or not.

I never had any grandparents, cousins, aunts growing up, so I think it’s nice my children have those relationships. They are very loving towards the kids, when my SILs go out they take my kids as well. If I take that away from them, then I know they will resent me. They love going there, and il be the bad guy again for stopping the visits. I do need to talk a professional I feel my brain has been fried.