In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

Life’s to short to be treated like this. Leave him and his horrible family. Go visit a solicitor.

You’re not invited on Christmas Day - that’s just weird. How are the partners of your SILs treated?

I am so, so sorry. I think your husband is an asshole. My wish is that you get your ducks in a row and end the marriage, I know that isn't easy.
I've never heard of a parent taking chldren to their grandparents and leaving the other half at home on Christmas day, it's outrageous.

What upsets me most of all is the way your children are being manipulated into thinking all that is normal, that dad is great and mum is boring. There has to be a way to turn that around, Zetty.

Please don't put up with it any longer, take some advice and then take action.

(I'm sure you're not ugly at all, I imagine what was said during the game was meant to be a joke.)

Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone

This is the main issue. Your husband is not being a good father when he allows you to be alone on Christmas Day while he and the kids are having a nice time at his parents! He should tell them that if you are not invited, none of you will be attending! He sounds awful.

Oh my goodness, I am in tears here, particularly about the Christmas situation. The Christmas days I have had with my children have been some of the best in my life. I cannot believe that you have never had that experience.

You must get out of this toxic relationship (the whole family, including your husband). This is not only awful for you, but is setting a dreadful example to your children.

Get your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor, and get him out, and you keep the children. He can go to his bloody awful family, where I am sure he will feel perfectly at home.

Oh you poor love you absolutely need to leave for your sake and for the sake of your children. You'll be so much happier and honestly, your children will be in a much healthier environment. Please get help to try and do this

O@Zetty22 you sound really down in the dumps about this and I wouldn't blame you. I just want to say I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your husband sounds emotionally abusvive

What stands out to me is that the nicest thing you’ve said about your relationship is ‘we get on fairly well’, surely that isn’t worth all the shit him and his family bring.

The Christmas thing is just cruel.

Op, this is awful. I’m not surprised your self esteem is so low being treated like this by DH & family. Your not a crybaby they called you ugly & as I see it they bully you. To be honest I think I’d be looking to leave this man. How can you rebuild your self esteem when being made to feel worthless by your DH

For what it’s worth your DH is the problem they treat you like that because your husband allows it & never stands up for you x

OP are you sure you are not invited at xmas? Did they specifically say that you weren’t, otherwise maybe they just assume that you’d join them?

Your DH sounds really nasty, how is he towards you outside of this issue with his family?

The whole lot of them (your H included) are nasty fuckers Ltf (leave the fuckers). Being left alone at christmas

OP please listen to PP. no good dh would take dc away from their mum who still lives with them. This is just odd. You’re not odd. That situation is.

And honestly I’m sure you’re not ugly but even if you are your dh chose you. I’m going to assume you didn’t drag him through the wedding kicking and screaming so at the very least so his family are disrespectful of both you and your dh.
I bet your dh knows what his sisters are capable of. He is telling you he doesn’t believe you so you hide away and tell yourself of course he’s right. That’s how emotional abuse sticks to you but only you can decide when enough is enough.
Please a Christmas with your dc will be a wonderful thing regardless of material items. Your dc are learning it’s ok to abuse you too. You really should try to get away for that reason alone. They don’t like their df more they are taught to. You are supporting it by saying go off to your family now i the lonely pitiful one will stay here now.

I hope you muster the courage to stick up for yourself at least. Tell them if they say you’re ugly, well I was good enough for dh so that’s all that matters.
Then bloody well get out!

This is so desperately sad I want to cry for you OP. It sounds like he's (and his family) slowly alienating your children against you, subtly letting them know it's okay to put you down and exclude you and make you feel like the lesser parent.
If your child came to you and said the exact thing your posts say about their spouse or partner, what would your advice to him/her be? Take that same advice for yourself.
This sounds like textbook emotional abuse and I've been there and it's really hard to imagine the other side and a better life for yourself, but it does exist I promise. And I promise you aren't ugly. I hope you figure this out

I thought he is a good father because he’s very hands on with them. We clash over discipline and screen time, but he does a lot around the house for them. He takes them swimming, football, parks, teaching them their maths and English. My children are 7 and 5. We don’t argue in front of the children I walk away until he’s calmed down.

I’m low on money as I’m spending most of my money on private healthcare. I’ve had a few health issues that I felt NHS weren’t taking seriously, so I’ve used up my savings and wages to see a private consultant. To add to that I’ve spent a lot of money on skincare thinking it will make me feel pretty. I’ve got normal skin, there’s nothing wrong with it but I just got sucked in thinking il start looking beautiful. I know it’s stupid, I’m a sucker and these cosmetic companies see me coming. I have to address these issues with a counsellor once I get my physical health sorted.

I wouldn’t befriend them if they weren’t my SILs, I feel we have different hobbies and interests. I tried to engage in their past times to develop a friendship, I even watched their tv programmes to have something to talk to them about. They still don’t want to know, I can’t believe I watched their American show about four teenage girls for years just to have something in common. They must have all laughed behind my back when I tried to strike a conversation about it. No matter what I say or do, how much I try they hate me.

Yes, I’m not invited as the last time I went they all ignored me. They didn’t even have a placemat for me, I just feel so worn out. I feel like I’m back in school being bullied all over again.

OP that’s an utter disgrace! Please, show your children (and your DH) that you will not allow ANYBODY family or otherwise to belittle you in front of YOUR CHILDREN. Seriously, give it to them both barrels! There is no way I’d be letting them bully me in this way. What on earth do they think they are trying to achieve! Tell them they are teaching your kids how to be bullies! It needs to stop. Now.

This is all wrong. You are being abused. You need to get out of this marriage. You are not ugly. They are. Including your ugly, ugly, ugly husband.

They sound like a horrible, nasty family.
You do not deserve to be treated like this. Do you really want your kids to think their behaviour is normal. This is my first LTB!
It sounds like your self esteem is low which is clouding your ability to see how wrong they are.
I too hope you find the courage to take your kids and leave him. It's hard because you don't have family support but you don't need it. Be your own support and show yourself kindness. You don't have to put up with this and feel this way about yourself any longer.

Please check out DWIL Nation.

You deserve so much better.

He’s said before he’s never leaving this house, and if I want to go then I have to leave. The house is privately rented, we are both on the tenancy agreement. I won’t be able to afford to pay rent on my salary alone. He said he will take the kids, and I know deep down they will want to stay with him.
Is there anyone I can talk to regarding my options? I can’t afford legal advice right now, which agency will help? Citizens advice?

Thanks for the agencies I will ask them what I can do.

Are you living in the UK op? This sounds weird that you DH is putting siblings before you. Your children will start to mirror all this dominant behaviour soon unless you give people an ultimatum.

Op I am so, so sorry. They sound like disgusting people. Your husband included. I really don't believe that your kids prefer him/his family to you. I just think your confidence has taken a beating.

Oh op. You poor thing. Your husband sounds a bully and callous, leaving you on Christmas strikes me as particularly cruel.

Show your children there is a better way to live, by not putting up with this. Your children don’t love him more, of course it looks this way because he gives the treats and iPad etc. It’s not a true reflection.

Honestly, happiness is worth fighting for..

I live on the outskirts of London, I always thought it was odd as well. It’s my MIL the way she bought them up, that their brother will do anything for them. He does things for them that he wouldn’t ever do for me, and I just learnt to accept it really.