In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

OP.....can I ask, does he actually STOP you from being with them all on Xmas day, or is it that you're invited but refuse to go because you want him to stay home with you instead?

This is an awful post to read, stay strong x

Christmas time is full of their extended family, my MILs sister hates me, my husbands aunt. I don’t know why she doesn’t even acknowledge me. It’s worse when they are all together. It’s a big event for them, I feel they are worse when it’s loads of them.

Just to clarify I’m not invited at any time, I just turn up at normal visits with my children and husband. Their faces do drop but I pretend I don’t see it.

Please do something, listen to all the knowledgeable pp. Make more friends, build yourself up outside this vile family. Read about controlling/abusive relationships.

There is nothing wrong with you, it's them. You a pretty, normal, kind-hearted you name it - they are not.

Take all the advise and support you can get - and get strong and independent.

OP i don't think I have ever been so angry and sad for a poster. You DH is outrageous.

OP you have had loads of replies here saying the same thing. You are not ugly, your husband and his family are.True beauty comes from the inside, its how you treat others and yourself. Put this on, listen to it loud and think of your sisters in laws. They are vacuous, boring and will live a very unfulfilled life. They enjoy putting you down to make themselves feel superior. Ugly ugly people.

Be yourself, be who you are and never let anyone make you feel different. It makes me boil that other people can trate another human like this. I echo what other say about your husband being a major part of the problem here. I would be reviewing what he gives you in the relationship (not your kids). You are important too you know.

You deserve to be cherished, not abused in such a horrible way.

Do you have any friends that you both see together as couples? I’m just curious as to how this has become normalised.
I think you need to let drop what happens to people in real life. Their reactions might help you believe this is terrible and not down to you.
Please tell your husband that the children are NOT going to his mothers on Christmas Day until after lunch. I’d want to say they don’t go at all, but if his family spoil them rotten, the children might kick up a fuss at not going and it will weaken you and he’ll exploit it to gaslight you into thinking you are unreasonable.

The other think is to stop making any effort with these people, tell your DH that the next time your SILs say anything bitchy to you, you will return fire with fire, so he had better brace himself for them to run crying to him, and no, you don’t want to hear anything about it. They’ll be beyond shocked when you hit back and god knows, they’ve given you plenty of ammunition. If they get angry, just ask “Have I upset you? It’s so hard to tell with all the Botox and fillers! And to think you lot joke about the way I look. Dear God! The state of you!” Then never see them again. It’s the only language they understand.
They are all vile, including your husband.

Focus on building friendships and saving money, and your relationship with your children. Be direct with your husband. Tell him things, don’t just ask. Did they all leave his mother alone on Christmas Day to visit other people when he was a child? Does he think that would have been okay?
I bet you are ace. Bright, sweet, warm and attractive. I too think that the SILs at some level, fear that you are “better” than them, and so mock your disinterest in the pursuit of a TOWIE cyborg face and style. I bet they are boring as fuck, unless gossip, bitching and sharing grooming tips are your lifeblood.

Op they sound more & more vile which each thing you post.

Is there a particular mum/work colleague you could confide in? If someone told me this I would do everything in my power to help them & I doubt I’m the only one.

this marriage sounds awful, he IS NOT a good dad treating you like infront of your children. please leave

They aren't loving to the kids if they expose them to this sort of things. They are fucking with their brains.

I’m full of admiration for how far you’ve come from such rotten beginnings.
Now you need to push through and get to the next stage, self esteem from within, rather than from others.

Kids are very astute, the fact that your in laws have less respect for you than for them/other family members will affect them.
How old are the kids?

Christmas is weird for many families these days due to divorce/remarriage etc. We often have a ‘fakemas’ - everything Christmas (food, presents etc) on a different date, a day when we can all be together. Would something like that work for you if you don’t want your kids to miss out on their day with their cousins?
You need to take some time to figure out what you really want, both out of Christmas and beyond. If in laws won’t put you on the priority list, you need to put yourself on your own priority list.

This was from the Twits a Rhoald Dahl.

How horrible, OP. Your DH is unbelievably cruel and your SiLs are bitchy and immature.

Go with them at Xmas. Ignore the in-laws. Show them their comments don’t bother you (even if they do). Don’t like your DCs see you as a victim. I know what it’s like to be worn down and feel paralysed by it all. You CAN climb back up. Don’t let them define you. You’re worth a thousand of them.

*dont LET your DCs

Not being unreasonable at all and it is so sad that your husband doesn’t believe you.

I was in a similar situation with my in laws. I have never been blessed with great skin, no matter what medication the drs put me on or whatever creams and washes I tried, I haven’t had clear skin in well over a decade (aka before puberty hit me like a ton of bricks). When I came off the pill to TTC my skin got the worst it ever has and being restricted on what washes I can now use when I am PG hasn’t helped at all. My family and my husband know this is a very sore point for me and are very supportive but at several family meals, my MIL made comments to her friends and family about how bad my skin was and said that maybe if I ate more healthily, I wouldn’t have such a pizza face. Both times she said this is hushed tones and obviously didn’t mean for me to hear but I did, it hurt like hell and it took a lot for me not to burst into tears there and then. After that, I refused to see them for a few months. At first DH thought I was the one being unreasonable and used the excuse ‘that’s the way she has always been’ when talking about his mum but that didn’t wash with me. In the end he sent them a text saying please don’t mention it as it hurt my feelings and there was nothing I could do about it due to TTC. Funnily enough, nothing has been said about it since.

"Have you had more work done, SIL? It must be so hard feeling so unhappy in your own skin."

"DH! Your sisters don't think much of your taste in women - they're calling me ugly. Again."

"Ah well! Looks don't last despite all the plastics and chemicals - just look at your Mum. I'm glad DH married me for more than my looks"

Also check if your work has counselling provision - many large places have employee assistance programmes

OP - you are better than this and you don’t deserve to be treated this poorly. Your children are being shown that this is absolutely ok.

I’m sorry they are such shits to you and it’s had if your family aren’t there to support you - but this cannot continue as long as your husband is well and truly immersed and ignorant of this (I’m being generous here in that he doesn’t ‘see’ this). Either way, he is being blind to the way they treat you and how this makes you feel. It will chip away at how you look at him as time goes along.

I’d try to talk to him - cool and calm. Lay it all out - what they do/say, how it makes you feel. Ask him how he would respond if it was one of his precious sisters telling him this about their in laws?

Ask how this makes him feel knowing that his family are basically waging war against you and he is doing nothing to support his wife (and children)? Has he really never once stepped in?

It sounds like you had it rough growing up and missed out on a loving and supportive family. He must have seemed at first like the ‘good thing’ in your life. This behaviour of his family isn’t normal. It just isn’t how families behave.

You are worth so much more than this, you really are.

Please think very carefully if this is how you want your life to be and how your kids may very well start to copy the behaviour and attitudes. The family may be nice to the kids now - but when they are teenagers? When that start notching about you to them and they stand up for you (or worse - if they don’t)?

I’d try to make your husband ‘see’ but I’d have plans in place for an exit. It’s not an easy thing but please remember - life is too short and you don’t deserve to be made miserable by these people.

Remember - you are better than this. You are a decent person and this lot do not act as if they have any decency. They sound a rather miserable and pathetic bunch to be honest.

Such a sad post OP sending strength and love look after yourself and remember you really don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone you are worth so much more shame on all of them 💐

You poor thing :( you don’t deserve this at all! Your husband should be sticking up for you and supporting you and I can’t believe he leaves you alone at Christmas!
His sisters sound awful, I think you have to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him you will leave if he doesn’t start supporting you.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It is NOT your fault. You are not ugly or any of the other horrible things you have been told you are.

The thought of leaving when you feel so powerless and beaten down is almost unimaginable but I think the hardest part is trying to get to the point where you finally can break free. You probably feel you are unable to cope, won’t see your children, don’t have any rights to your home etc and don’t have the strength to take any steps towards leaving because that message will have been sent to you over the years and you probably believe it.

I agree with everything other posters have said and advised. You and your children deserve so much more. Maybe speaking to WomensAid will be the first step towards the life you deserve. It may take a while to get everything you need in terms of advice, information and strength to free yourself but hopefully you will.

It took me until the thought of staying was worse than the thought of leaving. That was 23 years and I will never get them back. I wish I’d been able to leave so much sooner and not waste my life and ruin my mental health in a toxic relationship.

Just a comment about self referral via IAPT. It’s really good but in my case the wait for counselling was over 10 months. Not helpful if you need support immediately. It’s definitely worth referring yourself just so you do get help in future but unless it’s different throughout the country and things have improved since last year, you could be in for quite a wait.

I felt so sad and angry reading your posts. This isn’t normal but after so much abuse over the years it feels normal.

Wow OP I'm full of admiration for you. You say you are not strong, yet you sound so selfless, that takes some energy.

FWIW I really think that if you didn't live with your H then you would see more what you mean to your children, it's really fun for him to come home and be daddy cool after they have had what they need from you, but it's true the routine and boundaries from a proper parent are what makes a child feel secure.

Ugh this the saddest thing I've read in a longtime, I wish I could just give you a hug OP. Why do people have to be so cruel?

My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away.

You poor love. You have a DH problem. He's an absolute bastard. He vowed to love, honour and cherish you. Is he doing these things?

Leaving you alone at Christmas? WTF? You and your kids are his primary family now, not his vile parents and plastic sisters.

Your dc are growing up thinking this is the way to treat you. He's NOT a good dad because he's treating you badly. Will you/he be pleased if your dd gets into a relationship with a man who treats her like your h treats you?

Why do you have no friends? I bet you're lovely.

You've had some great advice on this thread. I hope you take some of it and manage to get away from your piece of shit husband. He will HAVE to pay child support, btw.

You’re husband is a massive shit. So are his family. They’re all cut from the same cloth.

Don’t allow it to happen to your children and don’t allow it to ruin your life. You need to make provisions to leave.

Hell would freeze over before my dh would take our dc away at christmas without me. He would soon be exdh. I would have called them out on their behaviour even in front of my dc, giving them a lesson on how not to bully. Wow just wow what bitches and your husband needs his eyes opened

My DH has never supported me
This is one of the most sad things I have read. I don't think I'd be where I am today if it wasn't for the support of my DP. How you have managed to have children with this utter beast is amazing.
He is toxic.
His family are toxic.
He knows all of this.
He WILL turn kids into mini versions of his family.
You need to leave.

OP, I really wish I could come round and meet you and have a chat and go out for a drink.
I had the same thing with my ex's family. We weren't married and had no children together but were together for 6 years. I suffered 6 years of similar abuse. Ex's mother and sister spent the whole time calling me names, looking down their noses at me, calling me a dirty foreigner, calling me a slag and an alcoholic, gold-digger, bitch, ugly, old etc.. They spread rumours around the village about how awful I was to them and how I had "stolen" their son and brother. This meant other people believed them and shut me out. It was absolutely horrific.
Sister and brother wouldn't acknowledge my existence when out and about - would rush their children away in the supermarket in case the dirty foreigner infected them.
I wasn't allowed to go to family Christmas either - sat at home on my own in a foreign country with no one.
His mother said the most evil things to me about my dear, late mother and my father (who was still alive at the time). I do not want to repeat them here. At that point I told ex I was going non-contact with them. This was a couple of years before we split up.

It was absolute hell. After 6 years I was a complete wreck with no self-esteem because everything I did was "stupid".
The difference to your situation (and I think your situation is much worse than mine was) was that at least my ex did not side with them. They were equally cruel to them and had been all his life. He believed what I was telling him about them. He was not strong enough to stand up to them and tell them to stop though.
Also there were no children involved. I think it is appalling that your 'D'H takes your children to his family for Christmas and leaves you at home.

My mental health has been way better since I split with ex a year ago. It hurt because I loved him very much and probably still do but I could not go on being abused by these horrendous people.
It has taken me a long time to build up a tiny bit of self-esteem again. It is definitely coming back but it has been a long process.

I have talked a lot about myself but wanted to let you know that it has happened to someone else. My solution was to first of all go non-contact with them completely and then to end the relationship (there were other issues that occurred causing the relationship to fail, not just the family).
It's obviously more difficult for you with children involved. I do think that you have a 'D'H problem. He doesn't believe you about his "lovely" sisters bullying you and he isn't standing up to you. Christmas day should be about you, him and the children. Any man who can do what he does at Christmas doesn't give a shit about your feelings unfortunately.

I think you should leave him. This will not get better. You will have years of this abuse which will stop you living a happy, joyous life. I know what 6 years of this has done to me and I was one of the happiest, funniest people around before this happened. I want the old me back.

A lot of other people have given a lot of advice about where you can get help - read through these posts and think about what you want to do.

Lots of hugs for you