In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

I haven't read the full thread but I've read all your posts @Zetty22 I'm sorry you're going through this. You, and your children, deserve so much better than this. Your husband is an a hole to treat you the way he is and it sounds like it's a family trait. Please please seek help and support. I'd either tell him outright the behaviour stops, he prioritises you and your kids over his family or you can't continue to be together. But wait until you have your ducks in a row to do that in case he says 🖕you and ends things himself.

I got told I looked just like a cabbage patch kid by my father in law in front of the whole family in a pub!!! The poor waitress didn't know where to look or what to say!

Zetty

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

MH stemming from PND will NOT affect your legal rights here in any way. I am wondering if he has put that into your head as well. No man is above the law here.

Counselling via the NHS will take months to arrange and you do not have the luxury of time here. There are resources like Womens Aid and the Rights of Women you can access and help for you will come quicker that way. The longer you remain within this, the more entrenched the abuse and the harder it will become for you to leave.

Your own recovery from this abuse of you will only properly start when you have left the relationship, its not going to happen before then.

Your childhood was awful and theirs is pretty much the same as yours was. They cannot afford to learn such crap lessons about relationships.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy too. You have taken a small but very important step, by writing about this on here. Please take the advice you have been given to make plans to leave your abusive H and his abusive family of origin.

‘If it wasn’t for his family, I think we both would have no problems. He’s happy at home with me, he says he has a laugh with me and he says he misses my company. Then his sister will ring saying she needs someone to look after her kids, and he goes running.‘

Which would be absolutely lovely op, but he’s laughing at you. Not with you.

You’re not a sad loser, at all. Being plain doesn’t equate to being ugly either.

Honestly tell them all to get fucked, husband included and go and have a nice life elsewhere.

This is not a good life, there is so much more out there

I let him because I never had Christmas days growing up, no one bothered but he’s got a whole childhood full of memories.

OP so you never had Christmas day. And you think it's ok to repeat the cycle for your children. That they'll grow up not having Christmas day with their mother. And so will have their own messed up views on what Christmas and family means. You need some tough love. Please wake up. You're losing your children and the older they get the worse this will get. You need to assert your rights. If not for your sake, then at least for your children's.

Your husband IS abusive. I felt sick reading your posts. No loving husband or father would treat you the way he does. His family isn't the problem- HE is. You need to accept this before anything can improve.

Please go away with your children for Christmas. You deserve it and so do they.

I would now start making plans to leave him as soon as you are able. You are married currently to this man and as such have rights in law.

I do not think your H will make it at all easy for you to leave him and will remain obstructive but that does not mean that you should not do so all the same. Like many abusive people he wants absolute power and control here over you and in turn his children.

re your comment:-
"If it wasn’t for his family, I think we both would have no problems".

I'm afraid you are incorrect there because he is as bad as his abusive family of origin are. You are treated abysmally by him and abuse is not just physical in nature.

OP you sound so beaten down it's horrible.
The sisters sound like a nasty coven of witches like the horrible girls that bullied me when i was a skinny teenager with braces.
But you are not all 15 and its not acceptable.
You need help with your self esteem and you're not getting it from your H.
You say they are glamourous like Love Island, thats not pretty. That s a vacant generic bimbo look.
You re not ugly and dont deserve these stupid little digs. If you were so awful your H wouldn't have married you and had dc surely?
Please leave as soon as possible while dc are young enough to grow up learning to be kind and that bullying anyone is wrong.
The Christmas thing is outrageous and makes me sad and angry for you.

You absolutely must stand up for yourself! Please stop letting your husband treat you like this. Fuck the sisters, they are not even worth your thoughts, but your husband - you married him and he treats you this way?! STOP BEING AN ENABLER. As someone else said, he is NOT a good dad. A good dad does not treat the mother of his children like this. Taking them elsewhere on xmas day? Are you fucking serious? Darling, I had to re-read that part because I thought my eyes must have deceived me. Please be strong for your children and don't allow them to see you being treated this way. I wouldn't want those abhorrent witches anywhere near my children, they are nasty and nasty people aren't good with kids because they teach them to become just like them. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, it sounds like your children are the only one who do that so you have to rid yourself of the rest of them or they WILL grind you down until you have no strength, no confidence and no escape. I feel for you, this must be so hard and I'm so angry for you xx

Sorry you are in this position, but in a way you enabled it. You must have known what they were like before you married?
Really can't see how you can get out of it without them saying 'Told you she was a bad un'
Teach your children that not all families are this bad and hopefully one day they will choose to stay at home for Xmas.
They must know that you are lonely.

OP, how did you meet?

How did this relationship go from a presumably happy one in which you agreed to get married to one where you are excluded in certain circumstances and have accepted this as the norm?

Presumably it wasn’t always like this so when and how did things change?

@Zetty22 I never reply to threads like this because I don't feel like I have any better advice to offer that other posters, but I absolutely felt compelled to reply to you. This is really not OK. Your husband doesn't include you in family Christmas celebrations?? You are his wife. The mother of his children. Why are you not included?? There is no universe in which this would be considered acceptable.

If it wasn’t for his family, I think we both would have no problems. He’s happy at home with me, he says he has a laugh with me and he says he misses my company. Then his sister will ring saying she needs someone to look after her kids, and he goes running.

Why do you think he isn't a huge part of the problem? From what you have said he neglects you, undermines you and doesn't consider you important enough to be part of a family Christmas. You would still have these problems without his family, they would just show in different ways. Please, please leave. Don't let your children see their mother being abused like this for any longer than necessary. You and your children deserve better.

They are all vile. You have to leave. It is not acceptable to leave you out of family events.

FWIW regardless of how you actually look, you are clearly much more beautiful than they are. It comes from within - dont let your children grow up thinking this is normal.

Also, you are invited round other times of the year as your OP specifically states that you were round there last week. So how does it come about that you are explicitly not invited for Christmas?

You’re husband leaving you at Christmas is awful, what a terrible example to show your children.

Sorry you married into this.
No wonder you feel so sad.

If I were you I would start with Christmas. Tell your DH you are not happy with how things have been in the past and things need to change. Say you would like Christmas at home just you four or you come to his parents but you are not spending Christmas Day alone. Ask does he think that is really right? Deep down does he think it’s right to leave his wife home alone on Christmas Day? Remind him his core family is you and his children.

His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

I would love to know how it came about the first year you stayed home on Christmas Day. Whose idea was that?

Please make plans to leave him OP, this is one of the worst things that I've read on here. Ring womens aid or go see a solicitor, your going to end up in a dreadful state if you stay with him.
Fuck him and fuck his vile family. I would have nothing more to do with any of them from now on.
Being on Universal Credit till you get pulled round in a rented place will be better than the set up you have got now.

They sound like plastic excuses for women OP

At least you are REAL .

What nasty people and your "d"H don't sound much better.

WTAF!
Why do you let him take YOUR children away from you at Christmas?
He is ABUSIVE! Get away from him, take the children and move far away! Let him have limited contact or they will grow up thinking this kind of SHITTY behaviour is ok! 😡
No excuses, just leave!

OP, you must see THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
A husband should support and defend you. A husband should not take the children on Christmas Day somewhere his wife is not invited, or welcome.
Everything you do, everything your DH does is teaching the children, teaching them about relationships, about the way a man treats a woman. I don’t know if you have girls or boys, but you & DH are teaching any girl how to be a doormat, that mothers are of no worth, that men are in charge of them. If you have a boy, well, you’re teaching him that he should treat his future partners like dirt under his feet.

Everything you do, you are doing for your kids too, so you are avoiding confrontation, you are backing down so they are not upset by confrontation.

This has to change. So, you must get counselling to start to feel better about yourself. You need to build yourself up to start making demands. Don’t be upset about your SILs. Be angry, be furious, how DARE they treat you like that. They are only doing so because they know they can. Stick up for yourself. Your children see you being constantly devalued. As for your DH. I can’t even think of the right words, but he is everything a DH shouldn’t be. Indulging the children and directly contradicting the boundaries you have set for them undermines you, and will make for bullying, manipulative children. It is not being a “good father”. Taking them to activities is just the superficial stuff. He’s got the fundamentals badly wrong.

You need people on side, people supporting YOU, and telling you this is not right. I can’t imagine how lonely you feel. Please try to cultivate friendships through any which way. Any local groups that meet, just anything where you can meet normal nice people. Volunteering at school? Please go to your GP about counselling.

Citizens Advice can give you advice about divorce and your rights. PND will not impact in any court proceedings unless there was a lasting effect on your care of the children. If you are main carer, the courts always go with status quo unless any significant reason why not. You could be able to stay in your house through court proceedings for divorce. Don’t listen to what your husband says. Most family solicitors give an initial free or reduced price advice session. It’s worth checking. Also google to see if there are any advice agencies in your area.

Child Poverty Action Group can give great advice re welfare benefits - if you were on your own, you may be entitled to housing benefit and other low wage earner top ups. Helpline 020 7812 5231.

Women’s Aid no. tel:0808 2000 247

There’s some online advice here with a helpline about divorce. www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/thinking-about-divorce/legal-advice/

So sorry you are going through this.x

You don’t have mental health issues. You suffered from pnd, like 1 in 10 mothers, and took appropriate treatment under medical supervision. There is nothing that can be held against you, no more than if you took medication for a heart condition or diabetes.

You sound like you’re doing a wonderful job in very difficult circumstances. What you need to see is that your children are victims of this situation as much as you are. Will your little boy grow up and treat the mother of his children like this because it’s his normal? Will your little girl grow up to be treated like this by her in laws because it’s all she expects of life? Or will she grow up to be a spiteful bully to protect herself from the emotional damage?

They all sound really horrible.
Please take steps to leave him op. Please don't take any more of this shit or let your kids see you being treated like this.
Your DH should have your back. As your husband he sounds worse than any of them.
Do you work? Are you able to leave? Sorry you don't have parents/siblings, but your better off without any in laws than this vile lot x 1000.

Oh OP, what a horrible family you married into

OP so sorry you are going through this.

His sisters sound like a right bunch of superficial bitches who need to grow up. Have any of them been to university and done as well as you? Do they want kids and have trouble keeping a man that will dote on them like their spineless brother does? It wouldn't surprise me that they are a) jealous of you and b) jealous of each other and use you and your good nature to battle amongst themselves by seeing who can come up with the best put down.

I would say have another word with your husband and give him an ultimatum, but it does seem like you've decided it isnt going to work anyway. I would say leave too, but not without telling them calmly what you think of them and their pathetic insecurities first. Let them then argue amongst themselves.

It is really hard to leave someone, especially if it means financial hardship, but I think it is important for your children to see you being treated with respect and for you to respect yourself too. You deserve this. Your kids only prefer their dad (although I doubt this is the case) because he spoils them. When they have grown up they will appreciate that you have tried to set boundaries and not allowed them to be over weight couch potatoes.

Mental health DOES NOT affect your rights as a parent!!!
They don't even take babies away from mums if they get committed!
Unless your likely to harm them.
You are the stable figure in their life, your the one who imposes rules etc, when spoken to - a child may say oh dad is fun and mum makes me do chores etc but that will look GOOD in your favour! And the kids actually have no say in who they live with, the judges will ALWAYS stand by a mother.
You'd have to be getting high, wasted or abusive to lose them! 💐

If you can't leave yet...
Start to make detailed notes about his behaviour so you have a record.
Start saving.
Stop the children from visiting the in laws! Seriously stand up to him, until they treat you with respect then YOUR children aren't going to be around that kind of behaviour.
You are the most important person to them. Remember that!