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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In-laws called me ugly

409 replies

Zetty22 · 08/10/2019 23:49

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

OP posts:
RachelGreeneGreep · 13/10/2022 10:09

diddl · 13/10/2022 09:25

Why don't MNHQ simply close them to further messages at a particular cut-off point?

That would make sense wouldn't it?

Exactly.

Plus it could be distressing for an OP if they are still on Mumsnet, to see a thread being brought back up three years later.

Zebracat · 13/10/2022 10:12

I am so sorry, it seems like you weren’t valued as a child, and that has continued. I can identify with that. A loveless and dysfunctional family impacts profoundly upon the child’s future relationships, they may be desperate for a loving family, but are vulnerable to bullying, and may radiate aloneness, and find it difficult to connect despite really wanting to.
I know that the majority opinion is that there is nothing to salvage in your situation, but I’m not at all sure that you want your marriage to end.
What would happen if you showed your husband this thread? Would he be angry, would he feel misrepresented, or would he begin to understand how you feel ? I don’t know if I’m missing something here, but it seems like you could go at Christmas, but choose not to? Are you always on the outside, looking in?
If you spoke to your mil, and told her that you feel hurt and left out, would she want to change that, or would she blame you? Your sils sound awful, I would stop trying to connect with them. But I would pull them up on their rudeness every single time, very directly by saying that is very rude and has really hurt my feelings. And It might be that you could suggest to your husband that you will come with him, and be a part of it all, but in return, he needs to watch your back, and put a stop to the nastiness.
Im sure that your children love you very much, It is obvious that you adore them, but I wonder if they know that. I wasn’t shown any affection or love as a child, and it came as a shock to me when my children were older than yours, to find that they didn’t know how much I loved them. I started saying it every day, and pulling them in for kisses, at first it felt quite forced, and they were suspicious, but gradually our relationships blossomed. You probably already know that, but honestly, I didn’t.
Please please seek counselling. You may need help to stop your past impacting upon your future. Like you, I thought I’d risen above an awful childhood by going to university and having a profession, and it was some achievement! But I needed counselling to fix the inside.
You are being told that you need to leave your marriage. It doesn’t sound great, and it may be that is the right thing to do. But I get the sense that you don’t want that, that you want to be on the inside of this close family. Whatever the outcome, you have a right to be respected.

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 00:36

diddl · 13/10/2022 09:25

Why don't MNHQ simply close them to further messages at a particular cut-off point?

That would make sense wouldn't it?

I think the original OP revived the thread.

XelaM · 14/10/2022 13:21

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 00:36

I think the original OP revived the thread.

No. This post revived it:

@Uglykidjoe · 12/10/2022 19:46
Oh I'm so sad reading this , but I have 3 sister in laws and had the similar experience you had, not quite as bad but not good. Be strong tell your husband you're not putting up with it any more and make some friends join groups like badminton or book clubs in your area or college course then it will boost your confidence make yourself your own life. And try save some money incase you do leave.

That's not the OP 🤷‍♀️

Worthyornot · 14/10/2022 13:30

What a heartbreaking thread. I hope the OP left this vile family in the end. So sad.

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 17:27

XelaM · 14/10/2022 13:21

No. This post revived it:

@Uglykidjoe · 12/10/2022 19:46
Oh I'm so sad reading this , but I have 3 sister in laws and had the similar experience you had, not quite as bad but not good. Be strong tell your husband you're not putting up with it any more and make some friends join groups like badminton or book clubs in your area or college course then it will boost your confidence make yourself your own life. And try save some money incase you do leave.

That's not the OP 🤷‍♀️

Look at the posting history @XelaM

RealityTV · 17/10/2022 17:38

@Zetty22, enough about them! Your self-esteem is low, but you're acting like you're dead! You were 33 when you posted this and you're 36 now in 2022. We need an update. How have you been? Has anything changed? Are you still with this man? I hope the answer is no!

YilingMatriarch · 18/10/2022 02:11

It's a wonder they allowed him to marry you, and that he even deigned to propose. Halloween Confused Awful family all around.

Your right, your always going to be the butt of the joke, and your husband will happily ignore your feelings for their enjoyment. It's not going to change unless you leave, but easier said than done.

Detach emotionally, until you can detach permanently.

madmumofteens · 20/10/2022 17:54

I remember seeing this 2019 thread I hope the OP is ok now 😢

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