In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

I am so so sad for you.
Please, this Christmas, keep your children at home with you.
At the very least, have lunch together and let them pop over in the evening.
I cannot believe you are being so bullied by your husband and his entire family. They are just evil.
There is so much you need to unpack emotionally; but first make your plan to leave. Inform yourself. I would speak to a solicitor now: as they incredibly busy in January.
You need to move somewhere new, for a fresh start.
You are a good parent with structure and boundaries and your children need that.
Good luck

This made for very difficult reading you are being bullied by your in laws AND your husband OP.

It sounds as though you've had a lifetime of people being horrible to you so it's probably very hard to take action but I hope you find the strength to leave him... you deserve so much better than this. Your husband is not a good man. You sound lovely

You need to be free of this.
Your children may grow up top be like this . What happens when one of your children gets married ? Will you be excluded too ?

Once the children are grown and left ...it will be you and him .

I hope you manage to fine the strength to move on or stand up to these awful people.

@ucfo so sorry you had to go through that. People can be so horrible. Glad you're out of it now though and moving on

Cunts the lot of them.
You and your kids are a family. You can have your Christmases as a family unit without those fuckers dragging you down and making you question yourself.

OP, look into your options now. This is disgraceful behaviour on his and his families part.

And put your foot down this year in regards to Christmas. He can bugger off and have his ‘proper’ christmas with the evil gits but your children are staying home with you! No negotiation.

Run away from your husband and his family with your kids. They are horrible people. They aren't 'glamorous' at all. They are plastic bitches.

Children learn to appease their angry bullying fathers for fear that it will be turned on them. As a child I was often called a daddy's girl, but I was terrified of him. They are systematically poisoning your children against you and because you don't believe you deserve better, you are beginning to believe their spiteful words.

You need to leave. Go to the council and find out what help you can receive from them. You are being emotionally abused. This thread is the first step in seeing the way they are treating you is unacceptable and your husband is the worst of all of them. He is supposed to love and protect you, but he is happily throwing you to the wolves.

Just reiterating what every one else has said. This is truly one of the saddest posts I've ever read on musnet. I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything because I've not read through each reply. Firstly I would get off all social media aside from messaging services. This way you don't have to see your ghastly in laws parading around. Then go no contact with them. Go to your gp (presumably you've already done that?) Then avail of the very good services that people have posted about.
You sound as if every ounce of confidence and self worth has been sucked out of you. You need to work on your confidence, just google how to be confident on YouTube and there'll be tons of help.
Then know that your children love you more than anything, but if your husband makes you feel like nothing then you can't project any confidence in your role as a mother.
You're a mother, reclaim your authority, tell your husband you're not spending Christmas alone, he can visit the in laws on boxing day if he chooses. Talk to your children about bullying. Finally, make plans to leave this toxic, abusive relationship.

@Zetty22 my heart has absolutely broken reading this post.
I can’t even imagine how lonely it must be to eat by yourself on Christmas Day. It’s Unbelievable and so abusive I can’t even comprehend how they can treat you that badly and think they’re normal. Please seek help, your self esteem sounds shattered and you deserve so much better than this

This is horrible and your husband has been an absolute rat and has severely let you down. His actions are worse than his vile sisters - he’s supposed to be your best friend and staunchest supporter. Unacceptable. I would make it abundantly clear to him that you come first and if he can’t get on board with that, leave him and be the best version of yourself without his toxic negativity weighing you down. As for your in-laws: nasty, gaslighting witches - including your MIL. I would refuse any contact with them and refuse to let your child see them until sincere apologies have been made. Ultimately, they are indirectly showing your child/ren how to treat you and by not standing up to this bullying you are teaching your child/ren that that treatment of you is ok. I wish you enormously brighter days in the future OP but tough decisions need to be made by you for your ultimate happiness. Good luck, you are stronger and kinder than any of them.

I agree with all the people saying you need to leave. However, I wouldn’t leave straight away. Because that’s what they want. They will have won in that situation because they don’t want you around. Therefore (because I am a contrary so and so!) I would start becoming the thorn in their side. Make them awkward. Call out every single disgusting thing they say to you. Every time. Make it really obvious to your H (he definitely doesn’t qualify for the D) what they are doing to you. When he then says you’re crazy or whatever, do it to him to and refer back to the previous comments from mil/sil. At Christmas I would turn up. Make it awkward as hell for them. When they ask what you are doing there point out that they are your children. You come as a package. If you leave, so do they. Once you’ve managed that, then leave and tell them all exactly why. Don’t give them the satisfaction of beating you.

Your children will thank you for this in the long run. It is wrong for children to have poison whispered to them about their own mother. Protect your children as well as yourself from their vitriol

good luck OP

Your posts make me so sad, OP. I’m repeating others but I just HAVE to say, your children adore you. You are their mother and their rock. You give them boundaries and constancy. Please don’t tell yourself this is untrue. They love their father too of course, but just because he does the ‘fun stuff’ with them, you mustn’t underestimate what a profound and important part of them you are.

Hi - like others I rarely respond on mumsnet but your post is very sad. I echo what has just been said - you are stronger and kinder. Hold that thought. My reflection would be that you cannot change the way they behave - but you can change the response to them. In your position, I would be tempted to not go to your inlaws any more - they are not adding value to your life. Use the time to do some local activities through which you are likely to develop local friendships. In a previous relationship with a miserable man I remember the look on his face when he asked me to do something, and I said I couldn't as I would be away that week on holiday in the south of France. He was stunned - but took notice! You don't have to go on holiday by the way (although I recommend it!) - but you can make small steps to rebalance, while you are thinking about the bigger issues about your H and how you want to approach that. Use this forum for support - there are lots of posters here with different experience who have been through difficult issues and asked the same questions you are asking now. I found Mumsnet posters brilliant and supportive, particularly when I just ran out of steam, someone was always here and willing to help. You can do this - and you aren't alone

I don't think I have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound so unhappy, but your situation is not hopeless. I think it would make a big improvement to your life if you make one decisive step and go NC with your in-laws, starting today. When your DH is summoned to them and goes running over there, let him go with a smile and a wave (and a big sigh of relief that you don't have to go and spend time with those toxic people).
Use that free time to do something nice just for yourself. It will be good for your mental health.
And as soon as you can, get some savings together in an escape fund.

If this is real you need to get out. With your children. Run and don't look back.

I think it might be worth considering marriage counselling before you make the final decision to leave.

NO! NEVER advise an abused woman to go to marriage counselling! It's really bad advice, because the abuser uses it to further abuse.

OP you need to understand, that every time your children see his side of the family, they are being damaged. It doesn't matter that they won't like not seeing them, but you are the adult, and you need to protect them. You wouldn't allow them to eat nothing but sweets, even if they whined and cried about it, because it would be bad for them. This is the same thing but even worse, because it's insidious.

What your husband and his family are doing, is parental alienation, and the courts are starting to wise up about this. It's a no-no.

No matter how hard leaving will be, you MUST leave, and you CAN leave.

Abusers use the children as a weapon, to keep their partner from leaving. Saying they will go to court for custody, and that because "you're mental" they'll win, is what they ALL say, they always accuse their partner of "being mental". Realise this, that it's a way to control you, and keep you there. He will NOT get full custody, and having PND years ago, will not affect the court's decision. The starting point is 50/50, but the usual arrangement is the dad will have the children every other weekend, and one night in the week.

You need to get legal advice, so that when he tries to threaten you with something, (like keeping the children) you know exactly where you stand legally, and know when he's talking bullshit.

While you're sorting everything out, DO NOT tell him you're leaving him! He may become more abusive if he knows you're planning to leave, or he may promise to change, and behave well for a while, but don't be fooled. He will go back to his usual ways once he thinks he's safe.

So, first things first, contact Rights of Women, and Women's Aid.
Secondly, it might be a good idea to inform your manager at work what's going on, in case you need to take a few days off suddenly.

Good luck. Remember, you're not ugly, and you don't deserve this treatment of you. Also remember, we're here to support you. Many of us have left abusive relationships, so we know what it's like, and that you can escape it and go on to have a much better life.

I think it might be worth considering marriage counselling before you make the final decision to leave.

Please don't take this advice. It will almost certainly make everything worse.

Please, can people stop saying things like "I hope this is a troll" or "If this is real". It really isn't helpful to someone suffering from abuse.

Unfortunately, many, many women suffer lives like this, and even worse, every day.

I definitely do not think this is a troll and I think it is real .

Like others have said, this makes me very sad. You have been given some great advice.

Like others I would try to stop caring what they think, they aren't your friends, and call them out on every nasty little thing they say to you. Do it loudly in fornt of your kids and your H.

I would also refuse to be parted from my kids at Christmas. Either you are a family and treated as a unit, or the kids don't go. Your H is a 'See you next Tuesday' by the way.

For your own sake, maybe you should look into getting help to build your confidence. It is all very well us saying you should tell them to get stuffed, but it sounds like you need some help to build yourself back up.

Please please never spend another Christmas alone without your children. You are their mother and you have a say. Spend the day together as a family and let DH go to his awful sisters if he wants.

When he says this is what's happening reply simply, no it isn't. Ask him what kind of father, or man, leaves the mother of his children alone on Christmas day?

They are terrible examples for your children.

You are worth so much more than this and I hope 2020 is a the start of a better life for you.

OP how you doing today. A lot to take in. Stay strong. This can change, but you'll need to get help and get out eventually.

Treat them the way they treat you, and insist on going with him at Christmas. Or leave him he sounds dreadful.

Op I don't know if it has been mentioned as haven't read all the replies but I think it would be good for you to have a look at the freedom programme. It is absolutely brilliant and I think it would help you see things clearly. It helped me a lot. I think it would be a great first step for you. Well second step, your first was this thread.

I hope you're taking in the many shocked responses to your posts and seeing that none of the behaviour you've described from him and his family is right or normal.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php