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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with wild imagination of new pilot boyfriend?

209 replies

Magic00 · 08/10/2019 10:12

Hello!
Long time lurker first time poster!

I’ve just started dating a man who I think is the one. He’s kind, funny, v good in bed and generous. I met him through a university friend and it’s moving fast. BUT he’s a first officer for a big airline so is away a lot in the week.
We message when he’s away and I have his schedule but it’s not helping my niggling jealousy. I’ve never been the jealous type before. I’ve seen all the glamorous crew on tv and spend hours online reading stories of room parties and wild nights out. They all look like models and make up artists. I work in accounts in a boring office job and haven’t a clue about Mac etc. Surely if you’re away in a paid hotel room with these girls you’re going to “enjoy” yourself? I know this sounds horrible but he’s on quite a good salary and they’re on a low one. I worry that they would target him for his pay check. He’s very sweet and chats to everyone so mightn’t know their plans.

I haven’t really spoken to him about these concerns and don’t want to be over keen on what he did when he was on his layover otherwise he might be suspicious of how my brain is in over drive!
So my AIBU is - am I unreasonable thinking that every pilot is off shagging 24/7 in Miami Boston Shanghai?
Please mumsnet help me see sense! Do you worry about your partners!

OP posts:
IsobelRae23 · 08/10/2019 13:20

You already don’t trust him. This is doomed before it starts.

backinthebox · 08/10/2019 13:23

I do feel like I am shouting into a void here, but I’ll reiterate it. Most pilots are NOT cheaters and adulterers. Some are, but they are the sort of people who would be in any job. I’m not saying what I’m saying because my partner is a pilot, or my dad or my brother, I’m not saying it because my friend is cabin crew or I used to know a pilot’s next door neighbour once. I’m saying it because I am a pilot. I work daily with these people.

I went to the bar with my colleague last night because it’s nicer than sitting in my room on my own, and we chatted about places he’d taken his wife and kids, places I’ve taken my husband and kids, and babies we’ve both had born in our families by coincidence in Sydney. Not once did I fear he was making a move on me, or me on him! And none of the cabin crew made a move on either of us, and we didn’t make a move on them either.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 08/10/2019 13:28

Unfortunately I think people just want to believe it backinthebox, because the "trolley dolly" stereotype managed to wedge itself into culture good and proper and "pilots and cabin crew have sexy naughty adventures every chance they get" is more fun to believe than "pilots and cabin crew are working professionals who are knackered and also value their partners".

BarbaraofSeville · 08/10/2019 13:37

I do feel like I am shouting into a void here

That's Mumsnet for you. Anyone who knows what they are talking about generally gets shouted down and drowned out by an army of posters who think they know best.

I've also spent many a night working away staying in hotels with colleagues and not ever been unfaithful, 'enjoyed myself' with colleagues, been in any hotel room except my own, had anyone enter my hotel room, or done anything other than a reasonable amount of platonic socialising similar to what backinthebox describes.

Original poster
Magic00 · 08/10/2019 13:38

When I say he’s generous I mean he buy me thoughtful gifts while away (not huge monetary value), helps me revise for my exams, serviced my car for me as he loves fiddling with cars, that kind of thing.
We split everything everything 50/50 even m&s dinner for 2! I have a good salary pay my own rent so I’m not a gold digger.

Last month I met some of his friends who also do his job and they were all laughing and joking about a captain they knew who knocked up a 19 year old as he didn’t know you could get pregnant standing up. I felt so sorry for this girl who’d just started her career but was just met with laughs.
When he’s home tomorrow I’m going to organise a dinner and chat to him about all my worries and ideas.

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 08/10/2019 13:43

have a good salary pay my own rent so I’m not a gold digger

Women who earn well can also be gold diggers. purely attracted to a man because he earns the same or more than her.

So no that doesnt rule you out.

Honestly, if my dp sat me down and told me his thoughts and ideas and it was along the lines of what you have written here, I would be off like a shot.

Ninkaninus · 08/10/2019 13:45

@backinthebox I hear you.

There is a higher incidence of cheating where the job involves a) good money and b) a lot of travel. But there will always be the cohort that will and the cohort that won’t.

MaybeDoctor · 08/10/2019 13:58

Workplace infidelity happens in every sector.

But I think there is a grain of truth in that some sectors create more opportunity for it to happen. Overnights, irregular schedules, distance and lots of working with different people would seem to create both opportunity and the ability to cover one's tracks.

I am a moderately attractive woman in my early forties. I stay in hotels overnight for work sometimes and there is no denying that I get far more greetings and conversations initiated by unfamiliar men when I walk through the public areas of a hotel alone and pulling a suitcase.

OliveOwl · 08/10/2019 14:04

Used to share a flat with a pilot, and went on nights out with him and other pilots/cabin crew from his home base.

The nights out were pretty wild in terms of drinking and general larking about. But not so much shagging about as stories would have you believe. Not anymore than you’d generally get in a workplace really.

Bumfuzzled · 08/10/2019 14:05

they were all laughing and joking about a captain they knew who knocked up a 19 year old as he didn’t know you could get pregnant standing up

Weren’t you upset that he laughed about this poor woman? And then laughed at you for feeling sorry for her? He doesn’t sound very kind if he found that funny.

Annutumarien · 08/10/2019 14:07

If you're worried about him cheating on a one night stop over, how would you feel if he decided to upgrade and become a senior first officer or captain? Depending on airline this can require 3-4 weeks training away at a different airport to his usual base, staying in hotels and only coming home at the weekend. If you struggle with him being away for 24 hours, how would you manage 4 weeks without him?
Other things to consider is that flight routes rarely have the same crew each time, so many crew members might only work together once in their whole career even if they're based at the same airport, so while an affair is always a possibility, a one night stand is more likely to happen than a long term affair.

Also what if his base changes and he's sent to another country? Would you be happy suddenly leaving your home, job, friends and family? Or would you live apart and he commutes home on days off which is extremely physically and mentally exhausting to do.
All these possibilities are what comes with dating someone who works as flight crew.

Roussette · 08/10/2019 14:09

When he’s home tomorrow I’m going to organise a dinner and chat to him about all my worries and ideas

God alive. I wouldn't if I were you. If I were him I'd be running a mile. Look... there is infidelity in every workplace. Think of training courses away, seminars in hotels blah blah... it's not something unique to pilots because the women they work with have trowelled on the make up. It's everywhere and you're neurotic and will lose him.

Jetlagged33 · 08/10/2019 14:17

Err...I’m Cabin Crew for a major airline and I am neither low paid or interested/ever have been interested in any of the Pilots for either their pay check or their boring aircraft chat. I think you need to get over yourself. Clearly you have no trust in your relationship and need to ask yourself why. Someone can cheat on you whether they go away every week or not.

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2019 14:25

When he’s home tomorrow I’m going to organise a dinner and chat to him about all my worries and ideas

Good luck with that, let us know how that goes for you.

happycamper11 · 08/10/2019 14:30

NDN is a Pilot and by the sounds of it it's not as glamorous as you'd imagine

flatshoes · 08/10/2019 14:34

If his name is Chris, he’s an arse and is sleeping with them all. If not, you’re probably safe.

Chris oh yes albeit a rather charming arse.

OP, keep your head, enjoy, maybe not be too deep or you'll just get more worried.

SquintEastwood · 08/10/2019 14:37

I'm a great believer in gut instinct.

If you're not usually the jealous type of probably be questioning why I'm suddenly feeling like this.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/10/2019 14:39

When he’s home tomorrow I’m going to organise a dinner and chat to him about all my worries and ideas

Oh good God. If I was him I’d be running out the door screaming. 😂

reasonablesettlement · 08/10/2019 14:41

Hmmmm. OP another one who stokes/feeds the story but does not respond to comments.

Iamthewombat · 08/10/2019 14:48

Are you so desperate for a boyfriend that you’d put yourself through this?

Let me tell you, if I were dating a man and he thought an anecdote like this was hilarious...

they were all laughing and joking about a captain they knew who knocked up a 19 year old as he didn’t know you could get pregnant standing up

(Did you mean ‘she didn’t know’, rather than he didn’t know’, by the way? Presumably the captain in question - if it is a true story, which I doubt! - is a grown man at least in his thirties)

...then I’d drop him because it shows that he’s immature, cruel and silly and this not much of a catch. It’s like listening to a bunch of 20 year old squaddies in a Wetherspoons.

Even if his friends were telling this tall tale, you can work a lot out about people by the company they keep. How do you know that he’s not entertaining them with stories about you?

As for confronting him with your thoughts and feelings over dinner...you’ll be the focus of the chat with his mates after that, all right. Just not in a good way.

Original poster
Magic00 · 08/10/2019 14:50

@reasonablesettlement sorry it’s because there’s a lot of similar posts so I just did general posts

OP posts:
Original poster
Magic00 · 08/10/2019 14:52

@Bumfuzzled yes I was really upset and I’ve been thinking it over. It was like a teenage boy mentality of who had the best story to tell and what was lost shocking. I’d never seen that side before only when out with the pilots

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/10/2019 14:53

I earn £8.75 an hour. I would never target a man for his money. What a horrible assumption.

You either trust him or you don't.

Original poster
Magic00 · 08/10/2019 14:54

@Iamthewombat I think their colleague was mid 40s wife and teenagers at home. He was the one who didn’t understand conception. My bf said he was in a right state of shock for a few weeks after so had to take leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magic00 · 08/10/2019 14:57

So the general consensus is that my dinner chat idea is terrible and I should break up with him? I’m so heartbroken at the thought of a silly job causing this. I’m 33 and was ready to settle down and have children. I guess I need to work on my issues and hope I’m not past it by that point. Thank you for all your advice however hard upsetting it’s been to read

OP posts:
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