AIBU with wild imagination of new pilot boyfriend?

[Magic00]

Hello!
Long time lurker first time poster!

I’ve just started dating a man who I think is the one. He’s kind, funny, v good in bed and generous. I met him through a university friend and it’s moving fast. BUT he’s a first officer for a big airline so is away a lot in the week.
We message when he’s away and I have his schedule but it’s not helping my niggling jealousy. I’ve never been the jealous type before. I’ve seen all the glamorous crew on tv and spend hours online reading stories of room parties and wild nights out. They all look like models and make up artists. I work in accounts in a boring office job and haven’t a clue about Mac etc. Surely if you’re away in a paid hotel room with these girls you’re going to “enjoy” yourself? I know this sounds horrible but he’s on quite a good salary and they’re on a low one. I worry that they would target him for his pay check. He’s very sweet and chats to everyone so mightn’t know their plans.

I haven’t really spoken to him about these concerns and don’t want to be over keen on what he did when he was on his layover otherwise he might be suspicious of how my brain is in over drive!
So my AIBU is - am I unreasonable thinking that every pilot is off shagging 24/7 in Miami Boston Shanghai?
Please mumsnet help me see sense! Do you worry about your partners!

Not going to be the case. Alot of these women will have partner's or simply not be interested. I used to be insecure I'm a particular relationship years ago like this. I realised it was because he would message, flirt and tell me how pretty other girls were. We didn't last obviously! But I'm 7 years into a relationship with a man who has always work with men and women. He has female friends that I know abit through him mainly. Some of them I don't know. He does not see them as such anymore as they all live in different places now. But I trust him. Because that's the relationship I have got with him.

He obviously likes you. So if he's not giving you reason to think he's like this then it's just your brain fearing something happening. you might think your not as pretty etc but maybe he thinks you are. Maybe he does not like the type of women you think he will like. My partner does not like really long legs and loads of makeup. He's prefers natural faces and shorter girls. That's just his personal choice. Yet I would think most men would like a leggy blonde with lots of makeup. When it comes down to the real stuff then we all know sex, makeup, sexy outfits isn't as nice as someone who loves you, will cook dinner for you or relax on the sofa completely natural and looking tired with you. It's about being truly close. Maybe you are pretty enough, interesting enough and right up his street and you should believe in yourself until you actually have a reason. Again if the women were the way you imagined them maybe that's a master be turn off for him. Not all men like women who are up for it and always partying. Also just because someone in your eyes is sexy, younger, more fun they could still be someone you would get along with massively. They could still be nice women that would reassure you in a second they are not chasing after your man. They are working and probably have no interest in him at all. 😊 Try and be less paranoid because it will break you up if you start giving him grief for nothing xx

You sound like a paranoid nut job in your opening post. Maybe this isn't the right boyfriend for you?

I worry that they would target him for his pay check.

He's an adult who has presumably held his pilot's licence for some time. He knows how to handle it. He has chosen to go out with you.

but if their partner worked in an office they wouldn’t have to think like this.
You have surely seen the legion threads on MN, from women worried about or reeling from the affairs their partners are having with office colleagues?
If a man is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Whether he works in a newsagent's or as a surgeon.
Your partner will be sober for his trips. He is subject to professional rules & tests as part of his job. He will be knackered, used to using hotel rooms just to crash, & unfazed by the 'glamour' you worry his colleagues are able to exert on him.

Instead of worrying about him - & there is no reason to worry about his fidelity amy more than if he were a bus driver or accountant - can you focus on yourself, & get to the root of what self-esteem issues are causing you to measure yourself against 'glamourous' cabin crew & find yourself lacking?
Your pilot has chosen YOU. Maybe some counselling would help you to see yourself holding as much value as he clearly sees in you. You should be enjoying your relationship, not tying yourself in knots about it. A good counsellor would help you do that.

Thinking someone is “the one” / a prospect for a LT relationship v soon after meeting isn’t sensible.

Ditto dating anyone until you’ve addressed your stereotyping of and thinking the worst about other people!

Well firstly someone can only shag your man if he willingly gets his cock out 🤷🏻‍♀️ IF it’s you he wants, loves then no matter who throws themselves at him he won’t be interested.

Also the vast majority of women are not man eaters...

Just because you see the air hostess around him as younger, fitter, prettier than doesn’t mean he does. Everyone has a different idea of beauty remember

No I don’t worry about my dh cheating, imo women that worry about that shit are normally very insecure about themselves and the relationships they are in and that’s not me.

This relationship will fail because of you, this is he cheating stuff is going to do your head in.....

Being a pilot is being a glorified bus driver with the added hassle of very long shifts, time differences and working with a different team every single flight.

"Door knockers" are despised by staff - who just want someone to be fit and capable to do the flight home.

After the first 1000, hotel rooms are boring, lonely places.

Eating and going to the gym at 3am local time is a boring, lonely experience.

Being away from home and family is a drag.

Shift work and time differences knacker your immune system and gut and mood.

Or, so my brother, a long haul captain in a big company tells me. He's managed not to fall into anyone's vagina down route too. I don't think he's the exception that proves anything.

Calm the fuck down.

DH is a pilot (albeit doesn't work for an airline where they are away all week). Most cabin crew and pilots spend their waking hours on layovers asleep because the job is so exhausting! The pilots where DH works generally don't socialise with cabin crew even at work (flights are across Europe so no time for chit chat).

Sorry but being a pilot has sod all to do with who he's shagging, if he's going to sleep around and be a total dick he's going to do it regardless of what he does for a living and how much he earns!!!

It's not unreasonable to be feeling insecure, especially if you've had past experience of a cheating partner. Lots of us would feel the same. But YABU to say you think he's 'the one', when you clearly don't know him well enough to trust him not to cheat. You should probably think about what qualities are making you say that before rushing into a marriage or pregnancy in case they turn out not to be very sensible ones. Lots of people who are kind, funny, generous and good in bed turn out not to be very good LTR material.

Nothing to add other than don't call him Shirley.

You come across as his job is very important to you op. More important than him. You clearly see it as having status and important to you. And your op tells us you see these women as a threat to you in keeping him. That's why it's phrased as it is. You're not worried about cheating as such, you're worried someone is going to "steal",him from you.

If I was you I'd calm down. Because ultimately the kind of obsessive thoughts you're having can't be hidden, and will cause your relationship to end.

Surely if you’re away in a paid hotel room with these girls you’re going to “enjoy” yourself? I know this sounds horrible but he’s on quite a good salary and they’re on a low one. I worry that they would target him for his pay check.

Yeah, probably. Those evil, gold-digging, slutty, MAC-wearing strumpets.

Yes! You are being unreasonable! Why are you comparing? It's unrealistic. You need to work on yourself. Worring or becoming controlling ( cause let's face it insecurities comes out in controlling behaviours) isn't going to stop him doing his job! Putting women down is wrong also. So what if they get paid less doesn't mean they are going run for your man as I'm sure they're more than one pilot. Why do the women get blamed? Stop over thinking, appreciate and enjoy what you have!

What's he doing with you then? When he could be sating his desires nightly with a bevvy of be-Mac-ed beauties? Maybe he values things other than money and make up?

Or maybe he's doing both.

Don't delude yourself that he's some sweet naif. He may be a player, or he might not but he is a grown-up who will know how the world works. Your attempt to 'cast him', into a role created in your imagination, is a red flag from you. He's not your fantasy character, he's a person. Getting to know hom better before you sign your heart away would seem to be a good idea.

Yeah, all female cabin staff are gold-diggers just waiting to jump into bed with a pilot Or, you know, they could be professionals who value their jobs.
I think you've been reading too much Mills & Boon. As for the relationship, you might as well finish it. You've fallen in love with a fantasy and can't cope with the reality.

When he could be sating his desires nightly with a bevvy of be-Mac-ed beauties?

Wearing those little Emirates cabin crew hats with the side-veils, obviously and pouting lasciviously.

It’s an industry in which there is a lot of shagging. Some people are involved in that and some people are not.

I’ve no idea which your partner is, but if you can’t cope with his working environment this is not a problem that will go away.

Oh yes it's those silly little airhead gold diggers looking to prostitute themselves to look out for, hope you fix them with a stern look when you go stalking them so they know what's what, OP!

I thought most cabin crew were gay. Perhaps it's not just the Predatory Scheming WOMEN you need to worry about 🙄🙄🙄

Riiiight so the nasty, wicked, scheming women will ‘target him for his paycheck,’ will they? It couldn’t be him targeting them for an easy and thrilling shag, could it??

You either are able to cope with the possibility that he plays away (due to his own desire to do so, not because some temptress has targeted him!) or you’re not. There is always a possibility that he might be that kind of man. You really can’t ever know someone well enough to say they’d never do that.

So you need to examine yourself first of all and decide what you want, and then secondly ask yourself if you trust him as much as it’s possible to trust someone.

If he’s shagging cabin crew left right and centre then he’s definitely not the lovely chap you think he is.

Hopefully he’s not OP but if he is then it’s on him and him alone.

Did he just begin piloting yesterday? Or was he born yesterday? Surely if he wanted to be with one of his colleagues he would have done that by now, and not started something with you?

Though how long it will last if he gets a whiff of this, who knows. There's nothing more unattractive than a needy jealous potential romantic partner who starts to see your work colleagues as a threat.

There's nothing more unattractive than a needy jealous potential romantic partner who starts to see your work colleagues as a threat

This. And it's nigh on impossible to hide indefinitely this is who you are.

I think I’m going to ask him to go on a “trip” with him next month so I can see the dynamic with my eyes and what happens.

You’re going to what? When are you buying the rabbit and the saucepan? 🙄

I'm cabin crew for a 'major airline' and frankly your post is offensive.
Get over yourself, none of us want your Nigel.

Well I suppose there would have to be some compensations for the cabin crew, ie romancing the pilots, otherwise the job (flying waitress, handing out sick bags, telling people to sit down, flogging scratch cards, saying ‘thanksbyebye’ 5,000 times, having to wear hideous polyester uniforms, frumpy shoes and red lippy, working shifts, all for crap money) would be pretty grim, wouldn’t it?