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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner was fired today

222 replies

Newname2505 · 07/10/2019 14:09

Absolutely bloody furious! We have a mortgage and children to find. Our wedding is booked and upcoming and has a balance outstanding still and it’s right before Christmas and my partner has gone and got themselves bloody fired for gross misconduct so it’s instant dismissal and no notice.

I don’t know how we’re going to cope. I just want to cry and I’m so angry. I’ve been working extra shifts to try and pay for this wedding and doing 50 hours some weeks and now it’s all for nothing as the money saved will be wiped out in lost wages.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 07/10/2019 16:01

Oh Op I’m so sorry for you. I also think many of these posts are unhelpful. Everyone makes mistakes. This is a shocking time but it will pass and one day you’ll look back on it and think thank god we got over it . Best of luck with his job search. If there is an agreement in place I’m
Sure it includes a reference as that’s standard so hopefully he won’t have any problems

Radyward · 07/10/2019 16:04

First off reschedule the wedding - thats serious financial burden lifted until He gets another job. I would be livid with my DH and would find it hard not to feel really insecure that this might happen again
.my faith in my DH would be shaken a bit
No point going down the appeal route as they will have followed proper procedure to the letter so an appeal is highly unlikely to yield anything except waste time and effort you need to put into a job search. Move the wedding. Talk to mortgage provider. Sometimes out of adversity comes opportunity so see it as a new direction for your family

GrapefruitGin · 07/10/2019 16:05

OP that’s awful I’m so sorry.
I’d be devastated if DP or I were fired. I’d give myself/him a day, maybe 2 to process what has happened then I’d be up early to start job hunting/sending out applications online/reaching out to anyone and everyone who may know of opportunities/cv dropping to local coffee shops, bars etc. I understand you have childcare etc but it doesn’t sound like you have the luxury of being fussy with what he takes on.

1onelyranger · 07/10/2019 16:06

Male suicide is "through the roof" because they are not as adaptable as women.

Do you have any references for that statement? Or is it just offensive wotireckonry?

Dowser · 07/10/2019 16:07

My son lost his job / suspended last year
Union was rubbish
He applied for ten jobs ... said he was going for unfair dismissal
They even bothered to write back that they would be taking the application no further

He’s now in a dead end job .
He’s just started college to be a nurse

It’s going to be really hard ...5 in family and as everyone was doing what he was doing ...so bloody unfair

I hope you can ride it op
Maybe postpone or scale down the wedding for now
My son didn’t tell me for 4 months as he thought / expected he’d be back at work but another 5 min went by before he was given the heave ho

Can’t say anymore... he’s still fighting it

TrickyD · 07/10/2019 16:07

I echo the above posters that I would expect him to be applying for literally any job going today - if he hasn’t applied at every fast food outlet, shop, and supermarket within a 20 mile radius by the end of the day i’d be showing him the door.

He only got sacked today!

I know they are not yet married but whatever happened to 'for richer or poorer, for better or worse"? It's not as if he is abusive, a bit of loyalty seems to be in order here.

Dowser · 07/10/2019 16:07

5 months went by

Dyrne · 07/10/2019 16:10

OK so clearly the thread has moved on since my original post. I was responding before the OP updated, where she was absolutely fuming at her DP and worried about how to make ends meet. I used a bit of hyperbole when I suggested he needed to be looking for any paid work in the meantime. I didn’t even assume it would be easy to find something, just that he should be looking ASAP.

Clearly she isn’t as fuming at him as her Original post made out. Not quite sure why I got singled out as being solely responsible for male suicide when a) I wasn’t the only one posting; and b) there was zero evidence of any mental health issues at play. Hmm

But... are people seriously saying they wouldn’t even bother looking for anything? They’d just assume they wouldn’t find something and would spend weeks, months, without any money coming in and worrying about paying the bills? I’m not saying in this climate it’s easy to find a job, but to not even try ?!?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/10/2019 16:16

@ReanimatedSGB. What’s wrong with stack shelves or working in McDonalds. A job’s a job. There’s no shame in earning a honest living. No job is beneath anyone

yabadabadontdoit · 07/10/2019 16:17

Male suicide is "through the roof" because they are not as adaptable as women. They don't deal with the same amount of shit as the average woman. Yes some men have it very shitty indeed, I'm not saying all are "privileged" but male coping mechanisms are again different to female ones.

And taking about male privilege does mean all are rich and entitled and have it easy. It simply means they already operate in areas and situations where women are historically excluded and sidelined. They have no additional barrier to overcome. They are male and the original default is male first.
So your emotive drop in about male suicide is just hyperbole

WOW. Absolutely vile post

Zuma76 · 07/10/2019 16:21

His conduct may be gross misconduct but summary dismissal should not be automatic and there is always a risk for any employer in dismissing an otherwise good employee for a mistake. I would appeal, not because you think it will change their mind but because you might be able to agree a reference as some form of settlement.

Justgorgeous · 07/10/2019 16:25

What horrible comments. I would hope the Op’s relationship with her fiancé is based on more than just his job. Best of luck OP to you and your husband.

Sarahandco · 07/10/2019 16:27

I don't know what he does, but is there a way he could continue his work on a self-employed basis?

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:33

I wouldn’t marry him. You can’t have him
dipping in and out of jobs over the years because he can’t follow the rules! Shame you have kids with him really or you could get shut of him completely!

Shannith · 07/10/2019 16:34

@flirtygirl are you got real? I cannot believe that you really posit that male suicide is somehow less worthy/important (I genuinely don't know what term to use) than female because of male privilege?

I could rip your argument to shreds but I assume it's not necessary because everyone else is with me in going WTF?

Sorry to derail OP, but sometimes you have to call out stupid.

You have had good advice aside from @flirtygirl.

Justgorgeous · 07/10/2019 16:37

@SherbetSaucer. The OP doesn’t want to get rid of him. Let’s send him to get flogged shall we ? God forbid you ever make a mistake. Thank god I’m not married to someone like you.

Shannith · 07/10/2019 16:38

Bold and for real fail.

Maybe not the bold though as I'm that angry.

Perunatop · 07/10/2019 16:48

Short term job on Christmas post while he looks for another maybe?

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:51

@Justgorgeous The OP doesn’t want to get rid of him. Let’s send him to get flogged shall we? God forbid you ever make a mistake. Thank god I’m not married to someone like you

I’ve made plenty of mistakes but have managed never to get fired for gross misconduct! Perhaps the children can eat imaginary food when he can’t afford to put real food on the table because he’s irresponsible and can’t follow the rules!

kateandme · 07/10/2019 16:53

im so sorry op.
going to sound silly but how about sitting down an making a sort of spider diagram.get a big piece of paper and write down everything.
so options on whats next...job centre,applying,benefits,where to look.setting up a linkdn account.find out what you need to disclose and how to sort through being fired and how to put that on job applicant. doing a new cv?
what can he do at home to lighten load.
is his job one he can get some temp work.or would it help to set a time limit up for getting a new job and then he must just go get anything?
if he is looking for jobs is there any rnadom ass job he can do to make up funds.
keep talking op.he will be feeling shit.and so are you.noones pain can trump the ther right now though.he has made a major balls up but to get through this you will have to be really strong and forgive him horribly quickly.
but that also means he has to acknowledge and take on that hurt and fury you have and work with you.
you have to work together
on the kids.sort out together what you will say
on the wedding,shit.but your getting married becasue you love eacohter so you can get through this.
anything can be fought through if you can stick together.and want to.
i know this must feel like the world has fallen out your world.
keep going.there can be a way out of this.

kateandme · 07/10/2019 16:55

plus do you have people in rl to vent to so you are containing this in to vent and scream at eachother.let people help

Grandmi · 07/10/2019 16:55

Agree with trickyd....lots of judgy people on here !! I feel so sorry for both of you !! Go easy on your partner he must be feeling like shit !! There will be a light at the end of he tunnel eventually. I disagree with many posters saying apply for anything...just take a deep breath and digest what has happened for a couple of days

PrettyPurse · 07/10/2019 17:01

So sorry @Newname2505. My DH had gross misconduct investigation for bullying and intimidation. He is now XH but not .... technically....for that....although when l read the statements l agreed with what was written as he treated me like it... but l stuck by him at that stage.

Anyway... practicalities...

We went through all our finances. Any policies we could stop we made a note of. XH contacted the mortgage company. The loan he had on his car he paid the balance off on a 0% credit card so we could reduce the monthly payments to the minimum till we got ourselves sorted.

For us it was reducing the immediate outgoings that was important.

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 17:01

Even with instant dismissal there is usually a pay out. They surely didn't sack your partner and give him nothing.

It is a difficult situation; either he gets another job quickly - which he might, you said there was nothing deliberate about what he did, just stupid - or you postpone the wedding until he is again gainfully employed.

I'm so sorry for you, he has been a prat but I doubt he would do the same again.

Rezie · 07/10/2019 17:02

Okay, people are a bit over the top. He got fired today. I think it's fair enough to take abit of time to apply for suitable work before driving uber. It sometimes is beneficial in the long run. Maybe give him few days to come up with a plan. Yes, he messed up and knows it. Likely learned from it. While it was due to misconduct it wasn't the "worst" kind that should make OP doubt marriage.

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