AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

I’d tell her to fuck right off. And I don’t care who I upset.
Fucking cheeky bitch.

Without PR school surely shouldn't be discussing the dc with her?

It's your ex who needs to sort this out. How do you know she wants to go to parents evenings? He needs to tell her no.

She is overstepping the mark by an enormous distance.

OP, as you have a decent relationship with her, can you have a chat with her about it? Explain how you feel about her actions.

She has definitely over stepped the mark. Class rep, bake sales? All very odd and I would be having a chat with her

I’m a step parent and the only one of those thing so would do is go to sports days and matches. The rest of it I would see as overstepping.

Mmmm, given how many nasty step-mums there are out there according to MN, I'd tread with caution and remember what is it that she is doing well, when you do talk. She sounds like she loves your kids and is just trying too hard, she may even feel she 'should' do some of this because she has the time and nobody else does.

You say you get on OK, so go for a coffee with her and explain honestly how you feel, but try not to make this a 'telling off' session. Your kids are yours, nothing you did for them is belittled by her actions. You just both need to divide the workload rather than butting heads.

It does seem she is over stepping the mark. Do you think that your ex wants her to take this role or is this her pushing?
Somethings like bake sales seem harmless but others like talking to the teachers seem like taking on other roles.
The only question with class rep stuff is do you really want to step up and do this stuff yourself? It does benefit your dc and is pretty boring to actually do.

Might be nice to find a compromise - keep the stuff which lets your children feel loved and supported by the adults in their lives - coming to plays and matches.

But make it a bio parent only occasion when it's official school stuff like parents evenings and deciding on educational choices and issues etc.

Personally I'd be thrilled that someone else was doing all the bake sale stuff and classroom volunteering as I hate that. Some people are just natural volunteers.

I would be going batshit at the school tbh. There is no way at my school a step-parent (unless the child lived with them and had no contact with the other parent) would be allowed to be the class rep (let alone obtain any information about the child!)

By your own admission, you are very hands-off when it comes to school, so I guess my question is, is this really the hill you want to die on?

First of all, you are the mum, everyone knows you are the mum, and your children will never place her above you, no matter how involved she is in their lives. So let that go.

Secondly, I think you should be happy that she clearly loves your children so much. That certainly isn't the case in many step-families.

I'm sure her not having children of her own makes her a bit ignorant as to how a birth mum might feel that their toes are being stepped on, but from what I see, I truly don't think she's purposely trying to upset you. I think she is just very eager to be the best step-mum she can.

I think you should try to get over the silly insecurities you have and try to appreciate her interest.

She sounds incredibly invested. I suspect she’s feeling a little anxious if you and so she’s trying to look like the golden mother figure. It could come across as though she’s undermining you as their actual mum.
The school really has no right to discuss or deal with her at all in relation to your children without both parents consent.

It is possible that she’s just so happy to have kids in her life she can’t help herself.
If I were you, I’d write a list of everything she does and all you would like to do. Then just explain which bits she can do and which bits you can do and which bits your ex husband and you do solely together, ie parents evening.

To be fair to you, she really ought to have enough common sense and sensitivity to not be bowling in. Most of us would offer help but not take over. The lady has no entitlement to your children what so ever.

If she doesn't have parental responsibility then the school have allowed a major error in sharing information with her about a minor. You need to alert the school to this pronto.

Plus I would be curbing this behaviour now as its really overstepping and creepy. I say that as a SM myself

YWBMU

Stop being so insecure and be grateful she cares so much about your children

She won’t ‘take your place’, you’ll always be their mum, but if you act like a jealous loon, you’ll lose them through your own behaviour.

The school shouldn't be speaking to her about your children so contacting the school and telling them this would be my first step. I also can't understand how someone who doesn't have child in a school can be the class rep? That is ridiculous and I would not be happy about that.

For the other things, there's not really anything you can do except tell her that you don't believe it is appropriate for her to be so involved but if she wants to get involved in bake sales etc I don't know if that's really doing any harm. You can say a flat out no to her attending parents evenings and that wouldn't be unreasonable.

I think some of what she is doing is fine- like the bake sales and psa meetings for example. However, other things, like speaking to the teachers about "issues" that you know nothing about is not on (unless there is a reason behind it).

How much of the week do the children stay with their df and stepmother? I can understand to an extent if they're there half the school week and their father isn't able to get to school to chat to teachers in the mornings about issues. It may be that he has asked her to do it. However, any issues in school should be mentioned to the other parent so that you're all in the loop. I doubt you'd feel so annoyed had he or she mentioned the issue and you all agreed together that the stepmother would speak to the teacher at drop off the next morning.

It sounds like she's very enthusiastic and it's lovely that she's so involved with them and wanting to be a part of their lives but I can see why you're feeling miffed. I'd feel the same.

If she doesn't have parental responsibility then the school have allowed a major error in sharing information with her about a minor. You need to alert the school to this pronto

You have NO idea what the teacher has or hasn’t said. FFS.

‘Little Jimmy has lost his jumper, can you please keep an eye out for it’

‘Yes, no problem’

Hardly requires parental permission in triplicate.

Tell her to fuck off. Tell her to get a puppy if she desperate to nurture something.

Stop her from discussing issues with the school then leave the rest when it comes to plays etc bio parents take priority so if he wishes to give up his spot for her that's fine

Is the school actually talking to her about the children?

Honestly, I can understand that it feels like you're being pushed out. But you aren't. You're their mother, and your the only one they have. You're not being replaced. Rather than being resentful that she's doing things that you can't, or choose not to, try to be thankful that your children have another adult around that loves them and genuinely wants to be a proper part of their lives. That's what matters to the children, not a game of one-upmanship by the adults around them. It isn't a competition because she is never going to be their mother.

Re conversations with school, that is overstepping as she doesn't have PR so you need to have a word with your ex. He is your co-parent, not her, so he should be the only input into education decisions/healthcare etc. But on the other things, just enjoy the fact your children get to engage and you don't have to take the time to bake the cake yourself. It's a winner all around. Your DCs aren't likely to thank you for stopping her from being a big part of their lives (Unless of course they hate how involved she is, in which case absolutely have a word.)

It sounds very tough, but if I had to choose a step parent for my children I'd rather someone that truly cared and that wanted to invest time in making my children happy than someone that saw them as an annoyance.

I think youre being somewhat unreasonable, my ex has seperate parents evening times to me and I take my dp of 2 years, lived with us for 1. He helps the kids with homework, reading, craft projects, makes their lunches, why shouldn't be be at parents evening? He comes to sports day when possible, to the play and to school fairs. If everyone else is too busy then it isn't unreasonable for a step parent to step in. My step mum sorted costumes and baked things for cake sales. Isn't it all nornal blended family stuff? Whichever adult drops off or picks up the kids/has more to do with the school communicates with the teachers, I would never be able to run everything past my ex before letting the school know.
At least they're acyibeky parenting, my ex and his partner couldn't even wash a set of uniform on a Friday to take the kids to school on a Monday as a one off without ballsing it up!

You have NO idea what the teacher has or hasn’t said. FFS.

Neither do you IncrediblySadToo so FFS yourself!

OP go into the school and let them know so they can protect themselves against any issues. If they are doing this without thinking they may have loose policies in place that need to be tighten up and their data protection officer needs to do some training!

If I were you I would tell the school under no uncertain terms that they are to discuss your children with only yourself and your husband directly. It is wonderful that she is so engaged with your children and clearly wishes to support them but really the school has no business discussing your children with anyone except their parents, whether that is via email or a note.

I would also let her know that whilst you appreciate her enthusiasm and its brilliant that she wants to attend the kids major events, that you feel that attending parents evening is something you would rather keep between your children and yourself/dh.

Until my partner adopted my ds, the school wasn't allowed to even speak to him on the phone regarding our son, frankly they should have stopped her involvement to this extent at the gate and you really need to speak to the head about the fact they haven't done so without confirming you were okay with it in advance.