AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

ellietrumps

I'd be so fucking mad I wouldn't be able to speak. It would probably fly out in a rage of "off you fuck, sleep deprivation, broken vagina, my dc"

Seriously? I genuinely can't believe there are people who think it's more effective to swear at someone who is trying her best (even if it is misguided at times) than to talk to them like, you know, an adult. Rather than resorting to insults and top trumps of 'I pushed a baby out and you didn't so fuck off'. I really hope this isn't how to encourage your children to resolve differences of agreement and conflict.

OP, I think speaking to her face to face is definitely your first port of call. It may be that she just hasn't appreciated how this may make you feel (not having had her own kids) and you can come to a compromise whereby she does all the rep/baking etc stuff if she wants to. But you need to be on the same page when it comes to school-specific stuff like reading books. If the kids are 50/50, she probably feels it's as much 'their' responsibility (with her as their spokesperson) as it is 'yours' (ie you and your DP) and she just hasn't thought through the dynamics. Maybe suggest making sure you both talk to each other about things like talking to the school before going ahead, so that neither of each pair is backfooted.

It sounds like the two of you (you and SM) should definitely talk. It seems like she is very well intentioned however it could result in confusion regarding the education path you want for your DC.

You could very well end up at cross purposes even if legally she has any right to be involved with these educational decisions.

Maybe take the angle that on education front, you want to take the communication lead with teachers with ample discussion with exH and you and if you feel comfortable, include her. That way, the message to teachers is consistant and you are very much in the loop.

But how wonderful that your DC seem to have a strong support system with the four adults.

raspberryk "She's read with them and pointed out the book was too easy, something you should have done."

One book was easy, the others have been perfectly challenging enough. If she was consistently getting books to simple for her then I would have raised it, but I don't believe in wading in because one book - that DD2 chose - wasn't up to snuff. The school is great, the teachers are very on it, and I have no concerns whatsoever about the level of challenge she gets.

SM a) jumped the gun and b) went over my head, neither of which is cool IMHO. And is one of several such incidents.

I'm very interested/involved in their schooling and both are doing fine – there is no void which needs to be stepped into. Which is kind of my point...

Can you tell the school not to pass information on to her?
I certainly would, she needs to butt out of the school stuff. She sounds a bit over bearing IMHO.

Just thinking back. My parents divorced when I was 8. My Dad had 2 subsequent relationships before my schooling finished. One step Mum had DC the other did not. Neither ever attended the school or got involved in my education. My parents still parented jointly which I would have thought was even more important if you have a shared custody arrangement.

On reading levels. My DD is 8 and has always been ahead of all the available age appropriate reading resources the school have. When she was younger we just didn't spend time on reading homework and read other things - she loves fact books which helped when fictional stories her level were too adult themed. The school were well aware of her reading age without me telling them but at least touching base with the standard curriculum meant we weren't inadvertently leaving gaps. Once DC are independently reading the levels very quickly become irrelevant and no-one cares. DO NOT beat yourself up about something so trivial.

This would piss me off. They are not her children and she is getting far too involved. This is a woman with too much time on her hands. Is she trying to prove her worth to her husband? You need to have a firm talk with her. She is either thick skinned or desperate for attention if she can't see that she is sticking her nose in where it's not wanted. Expect tears and cries of " I'm only trying to help". Nip this in the bud OP before she choses your DCs GCSE options.

Their father is the problem. He's quite happy to stand back and let the two women sort it out. The children have 2 parents. They are the ones who should be involved with the school. The fact that the stepmother is so heavily involved with committees is a bit weird, to be frank. But school take all offers of help.

I would suggest to the school that they only communicate with the mother or father of the children. But, if the father can't be arsed then I suppose he's nominated her.

If you can't communicate with him, I suppose she's the next best thing. And maybe rather than asking her to back off you can ask her to keep you informed instead.

It sounds like you are pretty hands off due to work, whilst parents evening should be off limits, the bake sale and sports day is fine

I would start by talking to her if possible. But would follow it up by talking to school, and making it clear that she doesn't have PR (you would have to agree through the courts), therefore you don't want her attending parents evenings or any changes made at her instigation without consulting you. In fact even if she had PR you could require the school to consult you on any "parent led" changes.

Well I think you need to talk to both of them. This is partly ex-H’s mess because he hasn’t given her any boundaries and shunted responsibility onto her.

If you tell her to back off and he tells her to back on, who will she listen to? It won’t be you.

I appreciate he’s an arse but there’s no real way round this.

I’d go for the coffee option, ask her if you can meet up to talk about dc and school stuff.

Why do you think your ex would veto it?

Honestly- before you do anything find out what data the school’s holding.

I think my EXH has allocated 'parental responsibility' to her on school forms

And there's the issue. She's not the problem, he is. He's behind this. If you deal with anyone it's him. He's not stepping up.

If he was he would not have allocated parental responsibility to her. She's stepping in where he is not.

You have to give permission for another to have PR.

“If he was he would not have allocated parental responsibility to her”
He can’t do this. He can put her as an emergency contact, which is entirely reasonable. But if he has told the school she has parental responsibility it’s not true and the school needs to know that. And the OP needs to find out what her ex husband’s playing at. Before she does anything else at all.

I think you, but more so, your children are, extremely lucky to have such a lovely stepmother .
Just talk to the school and your ex and make sure any discussion regarding the kids is to be had with the birth parents.

Jesus, time to take a chill pill babe. I used to do stuff for my SD, buy uniform ( wrong uniform, not expensive enough) take her on holidays ( why do I have to pack) go to parents evenings ( you shouldn’t go if I can’t) whine whine whine. It eventually causes problems with the SC and they have a stinky resentful attitude towards their SP. it will cause you more problems and you’ll have SP that won’t give a shiny shite for your C. What would you prefer? You can’t make those meetings - she can. You don’t make those cakes - she can. Suck it up and just think how bloody lucky your C are. Because they could’ve had a lot worse.

Have a word with her explain you feel shes over stepping and if she dosnt take the hint outright tell her back the f**k off. Tell the school she has no PR and no information on the children should be gave out to her. Tell your ex while you dont mind her being involved and all that at the end of the day you are their only mother and tell his wife to take a step back

Other negative posters - maybe SM is just nice? Just a suggestion.

I assume your response when the school told you was, 'Please do not discuss my children with this unrelated woman'?

Followed by a text to her saying, 'Hi X, I appreciate you just wanted to help and am glad you're invested in them but please don't meet with any of my children's teachers, it's not appropriate. If you have any concerns, feel free to message me though. Thanks'.

And if not, why on earth not?!

But she is not unrelated. She is a SM and is involved in their upbringing

Who decided on 50/50, was it through the courts? It doesn't sound in the children's best interests to be raised by a sm, tbh.
However, maybe the school are glad that somebody is involved, you are busy and their father can't be arsed.
You need to go to court, get access sorted to eow for either you or dh depending who is more likely to want to parent.
Whilst the sm is OTT maybe she feels she is being helpful and supporting the kids where her dh isn't.

And also i used to be super lovely. BM was forever asking me to do stuff, always on her terms. I was never allowed an opinion. Like your so nicely suggesting, I backed the f**k off. I do nothing, zero for her now. I have more money, time, I’m better off but trust me her BM isn’t.

“Other negative posters - maybe SM is just nice? Just a suggestion”

I’m sure she’s lovely. But she doesn’t have parental responsibility.

I'd be telling the school straight, any instruction / comments / observations they receive from anyone other that yourself or your exH needs to be ignored. I'd be very firm with them.

I'd also be going around there and knocking on her door and setting her straight (none of this meeting for coffee malarkey)