AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

Oh dear ... I feel for you on this. But I am just wondering if this is more guilt on your part? That you are not able to give your time so freely to the school.

I would probably having a conversation with SM asking her to have a discussion with you before having a conversation with teachers.

If my ExH wife (DS) SM was doing the same I would probably feel pushed out but I guess I would pull my big girl pants up and get on with things. I would feel happy my DS is supported by his SM.

She has overstepped the mark so much that she can't even see it anymore. I say this as a step parent.
My DH's ex is remarried and her husband does this too. He makes a point of going to all parents evenings and events even though my DH doesn't want him there. To be honest, I question how many people need to attend a parents evening. IMO one or both parents attending is fine. When step parents go as well it turns into a bit of a circus. There are now 3 of them attending all parents evenings and I am definitely not going to join them and make it 4.
The real question is what do you want to do about it? My DH has taken the approach to just ignore the issue as whilst it is annoying he knows that his ex and her DH won't listen anyway and he can't be bothered dealing with the arguments. You could try having a conversation with them but they are not going to see it your way. Good luck!

Probably the lone voice of dissent here, but she sounds as if she’s trying to treat the children as if they were hers. No one has yet asked how the children feel about her behaviour. Do they like her involvement?
At 11 and 9, they are old enough to have opinions rather than being treated like possessions...MINE! Get your hands off them...
I’d talk with her, more than once and try to reach a balance, leaving my ego out of the conversations. She’s available to do stuff you aren’t, and you sound resentful and a little jealous. If you all love the children, focus on what benefits them.
Was your daughter moved up a level in her reading? Was the intervention useful?

oooooo tricky one!

I'm a step Mum and the kids lived with us as well as our own. I was always very conscious of stepping on Mum's toes! I didn't always get it right, difficult when they are under your roof, but tried!

Without her own children, how can she understand where these boundries lay?

First though - Parental consent, school have screwed up here. They should not be discussing your children under any circumstances with anybody - period.

I'd probably have a think about how to tackle this. I'd probably speak to my ex-first. Explain you are concerned that the school are breaking rules, has he given parental consent?

Information can get missed, is he making sure he gets it all by encouraging her to ask for it? Explain you will be ultra careful to ensure he gets ALL info, that his wife does not need to get it too.

Are there areas you are grateful for her involvement at school and hobbies? Can you max on those and ask her (directly or through your ex) to step down, unless asked, from others?

Parents eve - absolutely no need - it would be crowded.

You are so lucky to have her positive involvement, but every right to dictate the pace of it! So speak out kindly and engage her and him, and remember you have the final veto here! If they are funny, don't back down - simply inform the school they are not to discuss under any circumstances arrangements progress etc with her.

Hopefully it will be sorted and I suspect she will be mortified she has made you feel uncomfortable, she probably thinks she is being helpful! But that does not mean you need to feel as you do. So, tell her!

xx

I can say with absolute certainty having been in this situation myself that legally the school cannot discuss issues pertaining to your children's education without both parents approval and they have massively messed up by allowing her to interfere with your child's education in the manner in which she has. He cannot just delegate or resign his parental responsibility and the only way for her to gain it us via the courts either by being assigned in addition to yourself and your ex with both parents acceptance or via adoption. The school is completely out of bounds here and need to be pulled up on that asap.

I am so sorry your ex is an arse, and I am hoping she is lovely and supportive without any hidden agenda's, but the very fact that she did what she did with regards to your daughters schoolwork without consulting you is highly inappropriate and cannot under any circumstances be justified under the desire to be a loving step-parent.

It will be hard but I would say you need to discuss the boundaries and kindly let her know that you want to work together for the enrichment of your children but that you believe as your child's parent that any decisions relating to education are your domain and you will keep her informed of anything she needs to know in order to continue supporting your child as she has been.

You are so much more composed about this than I would be OP, I always hope that if god forbid my hubby and I separated that his new partner would be a wonderful loving person to my sons but I would be spitting acid over that kind of thing.

A lot of people here seem very keen to jump at the school for talking about “issues”. It really does depend what the issues are. I drop off/collect DSS on a regular basis and so does his paternal gran (his mummy obvs does when it’s his days with her). School will raise any issues with how the day went with the person collect so “DSS fell over today, he grazed his knees” or “DSS hit so and so, this is how we dealt with e situation”. They do also tend to phone the other parent if it’s major enough Bu for minor things we chat at collection.
I have also been known to raise things at drop off such as “DSS refused breakfast, please try and encourage him to eat his lunch!” Or “btw, his shoes are on the wrong feet but he wouldn’t let me change them, please will you try. Or I might be saying that we tried to e homework but it was too hard/easy.
None of this requires his mothers input before I go to school, if it’s major then we’ll tell her at changeover day.

I’ve often had two appointments on different days for parents’ evenings for the same child. Likewise double reporting, bump letters/emails, school trips. All about turf and who owns it.

I wouldn't appreciate her doing this without my knowledge. I think the DC step mum sounds fantastic but doing this kinda of stuff is out of order- crossing boundaries. You and DC father have the final say and if the SM butt in this can cause confusion. Have you discussed how you feel and set your boundaries in place. Maybe have a chat with both father and step mum to come to a mutual understanding. I doubt she's training to take over just sounds very helpful but coming across as overpowering. I don't believe you are "insecure" either, that's not a very nice assumption to make.

YANBU

Always feel for the DC caught up in these situations. It is not good for them to have to "manage" 2 sets of parental contacts with the school - (I've seen some have to negotiate 2 separate sets of parents' meetings such that neither meets the other). By the time they are teenagers 1 point of contact is more than most barely manage to tolerate. It is even worse if one of them is not even their parent. My DH and I are not divorced. He would never even consider contacting the school without discussing with me first. If they happen to call him rather than me then the first thing he does is refer them on. That way we are always on the same page and the school and the DCs know where they stand.

I went to DD2's secondary for a community event at the weekend. Some of her friends were volunteering. I have known some of them since they were 3. I was under strict instructions not to interact with any of them. I am her actual mother as opposed to someone her Dad married a couple of years ago. I think you should talk to your Ex (not his wife) and explain how potentially uncomfortable this is for his DC.

Daffodils Op has clarified the issues include SM unilaterally approaching school about DCs reading books/level, so it isn't just 'little Timmy bumped his knee' but more 'let's discuss his reading level and how we can organise his progress' which isn't on.

I would absolutely hate this. And I'm someone who liked it when my 4 year old started calling her nanny "Mummy Charlie" because it meant she felt safe and loved. So hardly jealous by nature! She is completely over the boundaries here, and failing to recognise that she's not their mother and they actually already have one.

I'd talk to school. They can politely explain next time that they can't discuss things like that without a parent being there. She doesn't have PR, whatever your ex put on any form.

My lovely stepmother used to block my dad when he tried to get her to usurp their mum's role with my younger half-sibs (he's been married a lot...!) as she was clear that boundaries were important, and respecting their mum was a way of respecting the kids. This is not respecting those boundaries at all.

I am a stepmum and I wouldn't dream of getting involved in my stepkids lives to this extent - it's not my place. You would be totally within your rights to tell her to back off.

I think you're all right - it is about getting a healthy dialogue going with her about it - and bypassing EXH who will resent it, in all likelihood.

I have already started practicing my answer when i get the agressive phone call saying "Why do you want to meet up with SM? You need to talk to me not her. etc etc." which is - "This is a conversation I'm having with SM, not you. We're both grown women and can decide whether to meet/talk etc for ourselves without your say-so..."

And yes, of course I'm insecure! Aren't we all?

(And if I wasn't to start with, a horrific bout of PND when DD1 was born which lasted right up until DD2 was born didn't help. Neither did struggling for years as a full time working single mother for years to keep a roof over our heads and keep all the balls in the air... And I'm still not able to do everything I might like to - because, work, roofs etc.)

So yes, someone swanning in after ten years and all the hard slog having been done, and positioning herself as 'supermum' does trigger all kinds of unhelpful feelings, only some of which are due to her actions, I appreciate.

I do sometimes wonder with a wry smile if she'll have the same level of enthusiasm a decade hence when the novelty has worn off.

When she pushes a nine and half pound baby out her bag she can talk about he’s reading books. Until then fuck off.

Vag not bag

Send your ex a message saying how terrible you feel that his wife has to be so involved in your children's school.
You and dp will be attending parents evening, as you feel bad that only one sp is so involved at school. He intends to be more involved in the future etc.
See how he likes being replaced.
Complain to school, she has no kids, never has had any, is nothing to do with the school, so why is she a parent rep. Remind them she has no PR and you'd appreciate her not being involved with your children.

I am a stepmum and I wouldn't dream of getting involved in my stepkids lives to this extent - it's not my place. You would be totally within your rights to tell her to back off.

chocolatesaltyballs, me too. I would never do this.

It is disrespectful and thoughtless. If not a bit weird. My Husbands Ex also would have actually killed me.

I can totally understand why you are unhappy about this.
However, in the interests of harmony I think you should ask her to speak to you before jumping into talking to teachers so that you are aware of issues too and you can discuss how best to deal with it.
The other stuff like bake sales and PSA I would let her get on with it.
YANBU at all really, but picking your battles is important. You say she is good to your kids and that's something to be grateful for I guess, in the grand scheme of things.
It still hurts though.
You sound like a grown up op, and I'm sure you are doing a good job.

I think you're right to have a friendly chat to her. Given what you've said about exH, it may well be that he is encouraging her to do this stuff to maintain control without doing it himself. She may not know it's inappropriate and may also be trying to please him.

As you all get on and the children like everybody, a friendly chat is the best answer.

I agree with most of the pp who've answered, she's grossly over-stepped the mark with your DC's schools. She isn't their parent, has no parental rights.She's basically just the woman their father is currently married to & that's something that can come to an end easily enough unlike actually being their mother or father which is for life. None of that is a qualification for being a class rep etc & she may well be keeping someone who actually is a parent to children at the school out of the position when they would very much want it.

Speak with the school & put them right about who exactly has legal parental responsibility for the DC, i.e. you & your exh only & that you are the only 2 they're to discuss these matters with.
Involving herself to this degree sounds a bit batshit tbh, more than just a touch delusional.

If she doesn't have parental responsibility then the school have allowed a major error in sharing information with her about a minor.

It really isn't as simple as this. From the DfE:

"For the purposes of education law, the department considers a ‘parent’ to include:

• all biological parents, whether they are married or not
• any person who, although not a biological parent, has parental responsibility for a child or young person - this could be an adoptive parent, a step-parent, guardian or other relative

-any person who, although not a biological parent and does not have parental responsibility, has care of a child or young person A person typically has care of a child or young person if they are the person with whom the child lives, either full or part time and who looks after the child, irrespective of what their biological or legal relationship is with the child."

Source: www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

So step-parents, where a child lives with them part-time, are very often classed as "parents" as far as schools are concerned.

Step parents can't win.
She's becoming involved with school, why is this a bad thing? It shows how dedicated she is to your Daughter. You said you'd be upset if she was the opposite. Be thankful that another woman in your child's life is taking such an interest.

lagatha has it right IMO

But for what it's worth if a child is finding reading books easy then that may well not be picked up without a bit of a push. My little boy wasn't putting any effort in because he found it all so easy and after a conversation with the teacher and a focused reading assessment he jumped up three bands...

I would approach it directly with her and frame it around keeping communication with the schools open- for example you might already have had a conversation about the reading level so it would have been a good idea to check with you first.

As difficult as it is, most of the actions you describe do in fact benefit your children so I’d let them go. The actual school meetings/ parents evenings need to be discussed and agreed. She should certainly check with you before ever raising a concern.

However, if she is, for example, helping with maths homework, it’s beneficial if she is at parents evenings to double check methodology.

Talk to her.

Step parents can't win.

This is true a lot of the time but I do think in this case she is stepping on the Mum's toes.

If there were issues at school the Dad should have spoke to Mum and decided who was going to talk to the teacher.

I am a step parent and have a child with my Husband so I can it from both sides.