AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

Not going to lie you sound bitter and guilty. Guilty that you cant/choose not to do anything with the school and bitter about her stepping up.

Your children are old enough to tell you if they dont like her involvement

She’s too full on. If it were me I wouldn’t be seeing this as supportive sm I’d feel usurped, whether she’s doing it intentionally or not.

Has anyone asked the dc in secondary whether they wanted sm to be class rep? My dss is in secondary and a) I’d never dream of it because it’s not my place, b) he wouldn’t want me there as much as he likes me.

The child lives with this their SM 50% of the time so of course she is going to be involved

I would speak to your husband and say you would appreciate it if both of you attended parents evenings etc together. Step-mother can sit in with the kids if she wants to be part of it. But you and your husband need to have a united front when it comes to your children, if it's possible.

Sorry, EX husband!

First, try and do it nicely and see how you get on with her during a F2F chat explaining and setting boundaries.

And then write a letter to the school advising that discussions/decisions around the children's education need to be made with you and your Ex - as step mum does not have legal parental rights.

She can make as many brownies/cookies as she likes but determining your children's education - imagine if she chose their subjects! - is not her place.

I think meeting up with SM directly is a much, much better idea than just telling the school not to share info with her. If you go with the school route, next time she tried to talk to the teacher she'll be told "Oh, can't discuss, parental request, sorry" and she'll be upset and go crying to her DH and the shit will hit the fan and everything will be worse.

Meet with her, have a nice chat, ask how she is, thank her for everything she's done for the kids*, mention that your ex isn't the very best at sharing info, ask that she let you know direct if there are any concerns. It's not really about telling her to back the fuck off, no matter how much you'd need justified in doing so, it's about persuading her to change her behaviour to how you want it to be (and telling her to back the fuck off would 99.99% have other, negative consequences).

She'sically just the woman their father is currently married to & that's something that can come to an end easily enough
Maybe. She might also be the woman who does a significant chunk of the parenting over the next 10 years and could be someone who the kids care about (or hate with a passion if it all goes wrong) for the rest of their lives. I'd try to keep her sweet in the first instance.

*Even if it's all bullshit.

@drabarni I think that's about the nastiest and least helpful way to go for everyone including the kids.

OP can you arrange to meet her after drop off for a coffee if your work permits? You clearly aren't going in full guns blazing but just want her to know the limits you'd draw and what your exH is putting on her (did you say she has PR at school?) She may be over compensating but she is looking after your kids part of the time and you suggest your exH is leaving most of it to her. Does she have any educational background?

write a letter to the school advising that discussions/decisions around the children's education need to be made with you and your Ex - as step mum does not have legal parental rights.

Judging by LyraParry's post above, I'm not sure that OP has the right to unilaterally request this.

You haven’t said whether your children like her involvement or not. My feeling is that they probably do, and that hurts you as well.

Watching matches, helping out with school events, fine.

Parents evening and meeting the teacher about reading abilities. Not fine.

She needs to be told what is and isn't appropriate.

It might not be deliberate but she is pushing you out.

The kids live with her 50% of the time, she's read with them and pointed out the book was too easy, something you should have done. You didn't, your ex didn't, so she feels she has to. Perhaps take more of an interest in their schooling, not sure why you wouldn't have written a note in the reading log/on whatever way home school communicating happens.

Judging by LyraParry's post above, I'm not sure that OP has the right to unilaterally request this.

Only OP and her Ex have parental rights - step mum does not. All OP would be doing is reminding school of the law.

Let her bake cakes and volunteer as that’s just good for the school and ultimately your kids
She should definitely not be having meeting my at school and a polite “ dear stepmom really appreciated all your effortsand hard with the kids but I’d like to be the one that decides if, when, and how teacher contact is made, it really is heartwarming that you want to do such a good job and I know they are in good caring hands with you but teacher interaction really has to be done by me I’m sure you can understand, xxx”

I don't see why the conversation can't be started via what's app.

A very simple "could we arrange to meet to discuss how we communicate with school etc. I found out recently that a concern had been raised re DD2 reading book and it was quite embarrassing for me to have the teacher raise it and me know nothing about it"

That way you aren't telling her not to go in. But you are pointing out its communication. I actually think as long as you talk beforehand it's great if she has the time to approach school and deal with it - any of the 4 parents could and should imo - but not without the others knowing.

I'd be super upset about this too OP. I think I'd speak to your ex first though. It's great your kids have so many people who care but you're number 1. What do the kids think about it all?

YANBU about the reading thing, and I think that need discussing with school, but I think YABU about everything else. Schools are desperate for volunteers and ours encourages parents, grandparents and carers to help out (they all have to be DBS checked if they are doing anything in smaller groups with children) - it would be a shame to discourage her because of your antipathy to volunteering.

I agree you should go back to the school and remind them who the parents are, make an official complaint if you must.

All OP would be doing is reminding school of the law.

But

*FOR THE PURPOSES OF EDUCATION LAW (my caps), the department [for Education] considers a ‘parent’ to include:

• any person who, although not a biological parent, has parental responsibility for a child or young person - this could be an adoptive parent, a step-parent, guardian or other relative

-any person who, although not a biological parent and does not have parental responsibility, has care of a child or young person*

sounds to me like the school are quite reasonable to communicate with the SM.

Her response might be "Which one do you want to do?"

I'd really not like this. Either the things are important and you need to be involved. Or they are not important and she shouldn't be stepping in.

How do the kids feel?

If the OP works full-time, then she can’t just step in and do things for school, any more than I could when I was a ft class teacher with children. So either you let someone else who loves your children fill the gap, or you stand on your rights and make her so uncomfortable that she hesitates to do anything, and your children miss out.
They spend 50% of their time with her and their father. It needs to be a happy relationship for the children to thrive, regardless of who gave birth.

Or the SM could tell them the truth. Your mum won’t let me, and I don’t want to upset her. How would that be received by the children?

Yikes , she’s well and truly crossing the line.
I’m not surprised you’re pissed off ,this is verging disturbing

Right so neither you and your ex can't be bothered to sort out when one of your kids is given a book that is too easy to read, etc.

You also don't have a channel of communication open with your ex and because he is a lazy SOB he delegates to his wife. However you don't have a channel of communication open with her?

Yes you have a right to feel pissed off but you are being pissed off with the wrong person and as he won't step up, you need to be communicating with the person who has.

Remember it is about your children reaching a decent level of educational attainment.