AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

When ex says Why do you want to meet up with SM?
The answer is she’s the one talking to teachers about dcs reading levels. When you are the one going into school and talking with dc teachers then I’ll have the conversation with you. Let me know when that day arrives I won’t hojd my breath .

“ . Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children,”

No need to wreck all of this by “going round and telling her straight” or storming down the school. Like many problems, this really is best sorted out by a civil, face to face chat. I wish you well with OP. Sorry it sounds like your Ex is a dick and will try to interfere, but as you said upthread, hopefully you can just take the “we are two adult women”‘line and bypass him.

Being nice doesn't mean you get to wedge yourself in and raise other people's kids?! How random. She married their father - she's not related to them and certainly not their parent.

YANBU. I would be complaining to the school - it is completely inappropriate and they have fucked up here.

sounds to me like the school are quite reasonable to communicate with the SM

This would be fine if the children did not already have a kind, caring mum who is interested but just too busy to bake effing cakes....

I work FT - that does not mean I am any less interested or caring about my children and need anyone else to "step in" for me so i get how the OP feels. She is not neglecting her kids and by the SM getting in the way it stope her from getting school updates.

The issue is the Ex IMHO.

“Being nice doesn't mean you get to wedge yourself in and raise other people's kids?!”

No it doesn’t. But it does mean you can probably sort it out with a chat, rather than one of the massive kick offs some MN types seem to like to encourage

@FlashingLights101 why bother quoting my post if you only read half of it. I said it in jest as in that's how I would feel, because I would if some random woman who's been in their lives a very short time started overstepping the mark with regards to parenting my children.

At the end of my post you'll see I suggested she spoke to her and explained that she wouldn't want to cause any upset between them for the dc etc. I actually suggested a polite way of saying fuck off, please tell me where I told the top to tell her to actually fuck off.

Very different.

Complain to the school there is no way they should be having meeting with her about dc reading - she is not a parent.... no matter what EX has put on the form.... you could say they need to check the parent data -as they may not be following data protection -

is she down as the emergency contact?

I think you need to talk to EXH - he is the one abdicating his responsibility as a parent -

I am a stepmum and would appreciate it more if mum told me she thought I was over stepping in a polite way than for her to feel like that and not tell me. A stepmum who is involved and interested is in my view better than one who isnt in terms of the benefit to the child but at the end of the day she isnt the mum and should be working with parents not against them whether or not well intended

I'm sure the stepmum is lovely, but nobody has children with the plan that someone is going to come along after a few years and take over the parenting.

While there might be compromises to be made when separated parents have new friends partners this is well beyond reasonable.

In addition school is also the place where children can grow into their own person, is SM is volunteering for absolutely everything it's not giving your children much space.

@BertrandRussell point taken regarding responsibility. However how much liberty has OP already taken? Maybe none? Don’t ask her to do stuff and then when she does pull the rug. You’ve got a good thing OP be respect to each other, disregard comments to knock her door down etc. That’s not how grown up women who want to good role models to there children behave. Some people love the drama.

Sorry written really quickly while cooking dinner

Oh wow, that is a bit much. Whilst it’s great she wants to be involved it’s also a bit strange and sad for you.

I'd say definitely overstepping the mark and I'm the partner of a step parent!
My dh is heavily involved with my dcs lives but that is because their dad has chosen to have nothing to do with school or their lives in general and he rarely sees them.
If our set up was more like yours, I would have never involved dh so much but the difference is he has replaced someone who isn't a great parent, your situation is very different!

Who decided on 50/50, was it through the courts? It doesn't sound in the children's best interests to be raised by a sm, tbh.

This is one of my arguments against 50/50. I see this a lot too. Mums feel they ‘should’ let Dad have them as much, even though they were doing majority care usually up to the split. Dad likes to feel like he’s still as much their Dad. So suggests 50/50. Even though actually he’s working, he’s not used to the parenting and doesn’t really do that much of the school picks ups, homework, doctors, dentists... etc.

And so no one is looking at the child’s best interests.

The kids need their own parents to parent them. I’d say OP that this is a clear indication that 50/50 is not working for your kids.

Sounds like it's better that she is involved than the DCs' father. Is he the type who, if he saw a pen mark on a book that another kid made, he'd be storming up the school demanding that little Timmy is taken out and publicly flogged? Or would throw an 'easy' reading book across the room declaring it was 'fucking shit, those teachers are treating the Fruit of MY Loins like the other idiots'?

I think she's trying to ameliorate the impact of their arsehole father in their lives. And there's no way he should be deciding whether the two of you are permitted to communicate independently - could you not bypass him altogether by joining the class WhatsApp group and then setting up something separate for the two of you? Or put your mobile number down on a piece of card in a book bag?

I think you need to tread really carefully.
SM actually sounds fab but let's face it a bit too much.
However I am sure her heart is in the right place.
Be the bigger person and speak to her about your concerns ❤️

I am really saddened by this post it really shows step parents can't do right for doing wrong.

The school really shouldn’t have treated her like a parent when she isn’t.

She is overstepping massively - but like others have said pick your battles.

Would it be worthwhile having a quiet word with the teacher and the school. Explain your wish that they only discuss educational and behavioural matters with the two adults who have legal parental rights.

Could you raise it the next time you see your ex’s wife - explain you heard from the school that she had a meeting about ana Cade it issue, and while you think it’s great she Cares so much and is so involved in the school that is really a step too far for you and it would be best if these issues were dealt with by a parent. Even say you have clarified this with the school.

Keep it light - be friendly but firm.

She must know it’s an overstep - a gentle reminder of her role might do the trick

Thank you cookingonwine I was thinking the same
❤️

@Paddy1234 personally I feel the op feels guilty that she isn't able to do the same. But hey ho ... let's see if the child misses out if the SM becomes less active in their life.

can I ask OP how long she’s been with your ex? I think this is really relevant.

She hasn’t got parental responsibility and shouldn’t be speaking to your children’s teachers, it doesn’t matter how much of a muppet your ex is, or what he’s put on the forms- she has no right to overstep in this way at all.

I also find it extremely odd how involved she is with the school, she doesn’t have parental responsibility of any child in that school, and the school shouldn’t be allowing her to be involved in this way. They wouldn’t let a stranger off the street be involved in this way, unless that stranger had a child and involvement with the school.

Also, if she split up with your ex- how confusing will that be for your children? It isn’t in their best interests for this women to be so heavily involved in their education.

Cooking wine - as a step parent would You have had a meeting with the school about school work without mentioning this to the child’s mother?

I think it’s rest that the step mum want to get involved, but surely changing school work is a step too far?

Whilst its lovely that she genuinely cares for your DC shes pushing the limit, I'd find a kind calm way of basically telling her that they are your kids, whilst you are pleased she cherishes them but she needs to calm down and back the f$ck away, I'm saying this as a supporter of step famillys too!

THat should have read I think it’s great the step mum want to get involved😊