AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

Lots of things which are "bloody hard work and a chore" are also a great privilege.

Funonthebeach why on earth do you bother with a mundane box ticking exercise just to please your partner?

Lots of things which are "bloody hard work and a chore" are also a great privilege

Yes you're right. Step mother's should be fucking grateful that they get to breath the same air as their SC. They should never complain that they have to walk a rope so thin it could cut stone. They should never ever admit that step parenting is actually pretty shit a lot of the time, underappreciated, thankless and pretty hard to get right.

I care about my SCs and try to do my best for them always but I don't see step parenting as a 'fucking great privilege'. Shoot me.

@howabout

I think I said quite clearly that I do it because it’s important to my husband. As in any marriage it’s not always about what you want.

I actually agree with OP fwiw. I would never get this involved.

I'm only calling out the ridiculous comments about childlessness, puppies and privileges.

To those that think it's ok for the SM to go directly to the teacher, what if the SM and the OP fundamentally disagreed about the subject?
Who's right then?

Oh my, so we’ve insulted childless couples and evangelists. So she’s bending over backwards for her SC and it’s because she’s childless or an evangelist? Stick a broom up our arses and we’ll sweep the floor for you to shall we. There are many many hypocritical posts on here. Cross reference them with other threads SMs, because the BMs ( yes I said BM) are talking out their arses again. (I don’t mean all BMs, some BMs are actually quite nice, I’m a BM myself, I have friends who are BMs, did I say BM? )

Oh wow. I totally understand how you feel. She’s going way OTT. I’d feel the same as you! She’s class rep!! WTF? Ummm and what’s with talking to the school? Who gave her permission to do that? She doesn’t have PR? They should not be speaking to her. I don’t know how you solve this but I absolutely feel for you. That’s a mental situation to be in.

Op I'd keep it quite breezy but factual with school, remind them she has no parental responsibility.... You would have had to sign the form too for court, and if they discuss your child with her again you will consult the Governors. It's one thing to be a caring involved stepmum.... Its quite another to be literally stepping into your shoes!!

Hope this post is relevant - my son's new girlfriend is pregnant and they are in Australia. He's 21 and she is 19. She seems happy and has supportive parents. He is in the process of working towards his 2nd year visa to be there for the birth. After the initial I feel very excited about having a grandchild and choose to believe this huge event with all the responsibility will be a positive thing for my son. I am worried about the short relationship and whether he will feel they have to marry. Should I share these thought with him - I think I have answered my own question by sharing this - no - just be the best granny I can - the only thing I have control of. Also I have become friends with my daughter in-law to be and am wondering whether to ask to have contact with her parents also.

Insulting childless people is not ok. I have many friends who haven't had children through choice or circumstance - and some of them have had a dreadful time. I don't know why SM has not married (necessary in order to have kids in their church) although women outnumber men 4/1 so it might just be numbers.

By the gusto with which she is approaching step parenting it doesn't strike me that her situation (very late forties, no kids) was by design. And I truly have compassion for that.

I'm 100% fine with insulting evangelicals though.

And yes, being granted, trusted a place in a child's life is a privilege.

I thought long and hard before DP got to be a part of mine. And I don't say this because I am precious about my kids, or because I don't recognise that it is also, often, m boring, hard work, inconvenient, and a right royal PITA. All parenting is, I still regard my ability to have and raise children as a privilege that not everyone gets.

And if you get gifted that opportunity by your SO then that's a big deal. And if you are welcomed into their lives by their other parent then that's an even bigger extension of trust. I've done that, all I want in return is some sensitivity, a bit of respect and not to feel like I'm being undermined or competed with. Which, to be frank, is what this is starting to feel like.

I get to SP my partner's children. Albeit they're older so the challenges are different. I regard my position in their lives as a privilege too, and so do my best to be worthy of it.

I am SUPER careful not to trespass though, albeit our situation is a little out of the ordinary, which makes extra care necessary. But I check myself, think carefully and also check in with their mother, before encroaching on any (new) territory.

If you meet someone with kids then you have to accept that they are going to cramp your style somewhat. On the upside it means your SO trusts you not with only his own feelings, but those of his children. That's huge IMHO. Those of you bitching about the burden of them should a) think on a bit and b) if you really are getting dumped on to take it up with your SO who will be doing the dumping. It's not the kids fault or their Ex's.

And you actually have a lot of freedom to choose the nature and level of your involvement in the way that parents don't.

All those of us who have not had any say in the fact that you are involved in our kids lives want is a bit of fucking sensitivity.

And I probably will check with both schools what details they have. I'm fine with SM being on the list of people to ring if there's a problem (if she wants to be) so long as she's below me and my ExH on that list. Since I work locally and am my own boss, they rarely have to go to #2 on the list anyway.

But she should not be listed as having PR, because as so many have pointed out, that's a legal entitlement which I have not granted. I need to check that ExH hasn't made a unilateral/illegal declaration there. I think he may well have...

But I don't really mind about her knowing stuff TBH - she'd likely know pretty swiftly via my ExH anyway.

My difficulty is how to go about asserting boundaries regarding her level of involvement and tackle the fact that I feel like she's being insensitive/competitive/underminey (yes I know that's not a word but you know what I mean).

The additional thing to recognise is that she is under no obligation to give a shit about my feelings, and may well not.

And/or may genuinely feel that she is stepping in to fill a void that she believes to be there and I do not, because we have different views on parenting/helicoptering.

So it's genuinely hard to know how to pitch it.

You just need to be blunt about it OP. Whilst you are grateful for the support she is giving them as their step mother, can you please leave the actual parenting to me and ExH. Please do not try and discuss issues about my children with professionals.

And ask to see the Schools registration forms for your child reiterating she does not have PR.

Tell her to back the fuck off cheeky cow!!

@FunOnTheBeach20

What sort of appointments are you talking about? Do you mean concerts and games, or actual medical type appointment?

I can't see why 3 adults, let alone 4 are needed at appointments.

OP you’ve obviously thought carefully about it, just talk it through with her. She sounds like a genuine woman who will understand.

The problem is your boundaries and hers may be miles apart and it’s just checking in with each other. My DSS’ Mum had an issue with me initially and I offered to meet her for coffee. It’s easier for everyone if you’re on the same page, not least the kids.

And just to add where you say SM’s have freedoms where parents don’t is really annoying, I am an SM but also a parent. I don’t have anymore or less freedom. But it’s inevitable that my parenting style and DSS’ Mum’s won’t always align. At which point the parties need to talk. But whilst DSS is in my home he is a child of the family like my own DC. I find it really annoying when separated Mum’s assume you have no understanding of parenting on an SM level.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Medical appts, parents evenings amongst other things. I’ve never attended anything trivial like Christmas plays because I can’t justify taking the time out of work. DSS has complex needs that I won’t go into, but it means there’s several appts.

Often it’s me and DH, DSS Mum does not always attend. But it has been all four of us. Which I agree is OTT, but clearly DH and DSS Mum are comfortable. Sometimes it’s been encouraged by professionals involved to address said issues. As I said I do it for my DH (and sometimes for the benefit of DSS).

Funonthebeach - why does your husband need you to go to his children’s routine medical appointments?

What did he do when he was single - how did he cope?

Around a third of second marriages end in divorce. I often wonder what happens when step parents who have taken such an active role in their step children’s life only to have any link to the child severed. I wonder how the children will remember them - this person who came to parents evening and doctors appointments and then disappeared.

I think part of the problem is the step mum/dad label. It gets the real parents backs up immediately. To me the only situation where a child can have two mums or two dads is for same sex couples who have a baby.

@Dollymixture22

Thank you for your opinion and sharing your musings.

Okay, sorry, I’ve caused offence.

I just meant adults can have a close relationship with a child without getting involved in the parenting role.

I am very close to my niece and nephew. I look after them two days a week, should anything happen to their parents I would be their legal guardian. I believe this relationship is stronger and closer than a step parent because I will always Have been and Always will be their auntie.

But I would never dream of attending medical or school appointments just because I believe I should be there. I would never make an appointment with the school and get their work changed. I am of course very interested in what is going on with them, but I hear about it afterwards.

I do think a lot of this is, on occasion, about ex husbands (And sometimes ex wives) knowing it’s a sensitive area and pushing buttons.

I'm fine with SM being on the list of people to ring if there's a problem

OP it feels like SM is getting used. You either want her involved or you don't

I disagree with SM being a contact in an emergency... My neighbour is mine for school.... Doesn't mean she gets to talk to teachers about my children

@littleduckeggblue you can't just cut out part of the sentence you quoted in order to make a point. When you add back the section you removed, you know the "if she wants to be" section, then your criticism is irrational and you fine well know it.

Step parents do get a rough deal, but frankly I don't think at all that the OP is being unreasonable, and honestly, given she and her children are the only people who get zero choice about this woman being in their lives, it really isn't inappropriate to expect boundaries to be in place where all the care givers feel comfortable and secure, this includes the step parents.

littleduckeggblue – I don't want, need or expect her to be involved at all... Which is kind of my point. She's decided to be, and way more than I'm comfortable with.

That's 100% her choice – or that of My ExH – and nothing whatsoever to do with me. He may well 'use her' - but she chose to marry him, so there's not much I can do to help her with that.

I, however do not.

I've never asked her for a single thing, and managed perfectly well for the first ten years of my children's lives without her – and much of it with scant help from my ExH, come to that.

All I was saying is that since she appears to work largely from home, less that 3 miles from either school and lives with my kids, if she wants to be #3 or #4 on the list of people who get rung if one of them is projectile vomiting, (and I've no idea why she would want to be) then i'm cool with that. If not, well, we'll carry on as we did before she came on the scene.

(Thanks for the support Vampyress.)

I'm in no way hostile to her, and have gone out of my way to be kind and welcoming. But I do feel that I should get to set some boundaries here.

She's mostly a stranger to me, and I never ceded to her any say on how my children are raised. MyExH did, by marrying her, I guess, but I get to draw some lines, surely?

Really it sounds as though your kids are very lucky to have four caring adults in their lives between you and your ex and your other halves.

You sound lovely and considerate and thoughtful, the SM sounds enthusiastic and interested in playing a positive role in your children's lives.

You should make a coffee date with her - maybe even make it a regular thing. It's likely you will be in each other's lives for years and being allies and then even friends would be a bonus.

Just talk openly, honestly and kindly. Tell her how much you appreciate her, and then let her know how you feel about some of the things you've mentioned and see how you can come to an agreement together.