AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

Surely the school know she is not in a parental role and therefore should not be discussing issues with her.

I think that you should talk to your ex. He might be pushing her to do these things.

What events does your partner attend?

I would definitely speak up and tell her to back off! She is way over stepping. Talk to the teacher too and say absolutely no issues are to be discussed with anyone but you or your ex. Definitely say no to parents evening. No way abu

OK, I have been a stepmother, had a stepmother, and now my own DC have a stepmother.

YANBU. This isn't even a one off "mistake" like the time I got bollocked for taking DSD to get a haircut (yes I know I was wrong) it is persistent boundary busting behaviour.

I agree with PP - speak to her about it. Maybe you can come to an understanding? If not you will just have to kill her.......

Hi OP

This would annoy most people! However I do think you need to tread carefully, I guess its better she is like this than not interested, though I understand she is going too far in the other direction!

Firstly does she do a lot of the school runs? Does your ex 'delegate' a lot of the school admin to her? If she is picking them up half the week and dealing with things like replying to birthday parties and so on and sorting non uniform days etc then it's kind of inevitable she is involved.

I guess she is on a list of people authorised by the school to pick up etc and school think its ok to speak to her?

Where I think she is overstepping the mark though is talking to teachers about any issues. I would speak to her and say thanks for doing x y and z but please could she let you know of any issues with the kids as you are their parent and you think it's appropriate for you to deal with the school on these issues - also there is a cross over between issues and consequences at school and home so if you are their primary carer you do need to be fully involved. Also with parents evening you will be going but you are happy to share any relevant information with her. If everyone else works full time though maybe for some less important stuff she will be the only person able to attend some things

I’d be absolutely delighted to have a doppelgänger who would take over all school-related chores. She wants to be class rep and bake cakes? Let her knock herself out.

I’d keep her on side, OP. You never know when you might need her.
If she really is going and talking to the teachers about ‘issues’, you could certainly point out kindly that she should be sharing them with you first, unless they are really trivial.

I’d tell their schools that only people with PR should be communicating with the school about your children!

I think my EXH has allocated 'parental responsibility' to her on school forms - but I honestly don't know. I wasn't consulted, obviously. It's not the privacy thing that concerns me really...

And as I said in my post, I am grateful that she so obviously cares for the children and wants to be involved. It's the nature and level of that involvement that is bugging me. She's just always fucking THERE.

The DCs are 50/50 with me and EXH. Since remarrying he does seem to have offloaded a lot of the parenting to her. Not surprising, since he's stuck in the 1950s - thinks this kind of thing is 'womens work'.

He's also a bit of a git, so I won't be able to bring this up with him. Not in any way that would be constructive anyway. He's also about as empathetic as mince.

And yes, I suspect she is a 'volunteering' type. And no, I'm not about to join the PSA or be class rep, I work full time and also I would be shit at it.

Examples of stepping in with teachers:

She thought that DC2s reading book level was too easy and arranged a meeting to talk about it with her form teacher. I had heard DC2 read the book in question, and thought it was a bit easy, but that books within a reading band do vary and the next one would be different.

Since form teachers read with the children regularly, I had every confidence that if she needed to be moved up a level she would be. (What I mean by hands off - the school is great, they don't need me shoving my oar in, unless something really untoward has happened IMHO.)

But the first I heard was from my DD saying she's been hauled out of art class by her form teacher for a reading assessment. I of course asked the teacher about this when I next saw her and was informed about this meeting. And it pissed me off TBH. Both that it happened and that I wasn't told.

I've considered asking her to go for a coffee. I suspect EXH would veto it, and it might in fact just be too odd to contemplate. But similarly this doesn't seem like the kind of thing we're going to sort via WhatsApp...

Thanks for the support and the reality check. It's nice to know I'm not entirely alone in my feelings, and TBH I was expecting a flaming.

I’ve just come off another thread where the SM is being slated for not wanting to be the third parent, and being told that her step kids are her kids now!

By many mumsnet Gets!

So OP in this SMs defence they often can’t win and are often told that they are cold and heartless if they step back. But interfering and intrusive if they get stuck in!

If there is any way of talking to her directly without it all blowing up, I think that would help massively. I’d just be direct but appreciative and say that schooling is the parents domain. I do think it’s good to have clear roles.

“I think my EXH has allocated 'parental responsibility' to her on school forms”
He can’t do that- it’s a legal process. You need to find out what’s happened. If the school thinks she has parental responsibility they could ring her not you if there’s an accident, for example.

But yes it would irk me too. You don’t just get involved with the school and it’s very confusing to the child.

Your Ex can’t veto a meet up?! And if he does, at least make the point to him and also to the teachers if being nice doesn’t work with Ex. She actually has no right to be telling them to change things she has no guardianship.

(And to fill in, my DP comes to concerts and plays, and sometimes goes to matches – usually only if he's the one doing the ferrying though. He'll oversee homework and is really good at helping them navigate issues, setbacks etc. He has older kids, so is really helpful with this kind of thing. But he'd never get involved at school and is very mindful about not stepping on EXH toes.)

Get onto school now and ask where you signed for hr to have PR as you must have forgotten.
Then take them to school yourself, and report the school as no way should they be speaking to her about your child.
Why have you even let it go this far, you are their mum and she has absolutely nothing to do with your children. Your ex his her business not your kids.

I guess you have to ask yourself who her overstepping effects, your children or you?Does her being so involved add something to your children's lives? If it was me i would sit down with her and try and draw some boundaries but still make sure she can be involved.

'Your Ex can’t veto a meet up?!'

He can. And quite possibly would. He's the 'head of the house' dontchaknow.

(One of many reasons he's an EX.)

I think having coffee with her is a smart plan. As your ex is a dinosaur who is happily shoveling his parenting responsibility onto his new partner meeting up with her to try and set out some ground rules seems sensible.
I would focus on communication with teachers at the moment. What would you want your ex to do if he was the one stepping up and doing this parenting? Ask her to do that.
It sounds like you might end up with an ally if you can work together, she sounds a better bet than your ex.

Blimey, the reading issue is so far over the boundary I'm surprised you haven't ripped her head off.

I think some of what you describe is nice - and can only benefit your children. I think your example of her going to the school to chat about reading books is overstepping the mark. She shouldn't be doing that.

I wouldn't be telling her to fuck off though - it's nice your kids have a loving and involved step mother. But I'd certainly be asking her to please not trouble herself with individual meetings on their progress at school as you like to have a full handle on this yourself.

I see nothing wrong with her accompanying your ex to their parents evenings - however I do raise my eyebrows at getting involved in the PTA stuff. Not enough to go off on one though

For me, it'd be a no no to meddling with meetings etc but I'd probably let the other stuff slide

She may well be on the list of emergency contacts. That’s fine. But the school really shouldn’t be talking to her about reading books or anything like that. You must go to the office and look at the data they’re holding.

God I’m so fucking cross and they’re not my kids. I would not be able to restrain myself.
Tell her to back the fuck off or else. I’m so glad my kids are adults and I don’t have to put up wit this shit.

I'm just amazed they have a class rep in Secondary. That sounds really odd.

We have a class rep in both my DC schools in secondary. Wasn’t aware it was unusual?

I'd be so fucking mad I wouldn't be able to speak. It would probably fly out in a rage of "off you fuck, sleep deprivation, broken vagina, my dc".

Can you speak to her direct about it. Let her know you're pleased she takes an interest but you feel like she is massively overstepping here in kind of a "we wouldn't want to upset the current good relationship for the dc etc". Basically a polite way of saying fuck off.

It's nice that she cares and wants to be involved but she is WAY overstepping the mark and pushing you out!

You'd have to be very careful how you had that chat though, if you even managed it, which it sounds like you'd have great difficulty in doing since your ex is an overbearing twat.

It might be that he's pushed her to do it, but she's not their father either!!

Maybe have a word with the school and remind them that she doesn't actually have PR...

I would try to separate this into specific issues rather than asking her to back off in general.

Going to talk to DC2's teacher about reading levels without asking you is massively intrusive and not on at all - I would be furious about this.

Most of the rest of it sounds okay. The schools are probably crying out for class reps and volunteers, so it would be a shame to ask her to stop doing that. Attending matches and plays is nice too.

I'd prefer her not to come to parents' evenings though.