AIBU to ask DCs stepmother to back off?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Short background - EXH and I split five years ago. He remarried two and a half years ago. I have a DP who I share a house with. Kids are fine with both partners and we all generally get on pretty civilly. Stepmother is perfectly nice and very good with the children, who are 11 and 9. She has no children of her own (nor any prospect of any).

Thing is, I'm feeling my toes stepped on, increasingly. She's always going up to the school and talking to DC2s teachers (without even telling me of any 'issue') she's become the class rep at DC1s new secondary school, and she's always volunteering for stuff at both schools - bake sales, PSA meetings, you name it. Her work is pretty flexible and apparently relatively low-key, whereas the rest of us work full time. She turns up at matches and plays and now wants to start coming to parents evenings.

On the one hand, I'm pleased that she's engaged with the kids, and I wouldn't want the opposite. But still, I'm their mum. And I feel like I'm being usurped, because she's always bloody THERE. And always getting involved to an extent that I can't, or would want to. (My approach to school is to be far more 'hands off' unless there's a significant issue.)

I know the children probably represent the family of her own that she didn't have, and she's throwing herself into it with gusto. But I'm the one who gave birth to them, stayed up half the night for years, am the one who nurses them when they're sick, compromised my career for years... If the school has needed speaking to, I've taken time out of work to do that, been to every play, concert, assembly... And my nose is put out of joint that she's kind of stepped in, ten years down the line and kind if inserting herself as 'über parent'.

I'd like to politely ask her to back thefuck off, but AIBU?

I suspect I am, but how would you handle this? Is it just AFOFPG? (Another Fucking Opportunity For Personal Growth)

Tanks. WCWGOA3

The OP needs to know exactly what data the school holds. That’s not putting down the step mother or anything like that. The OP needs to know who the school would ring if, for example, one of the children was taken to hospital. Nothing wrong with her getting involved, but there has to be a “hierarchy” and the school needs to know what it is.

A two page report? 😂😂

Does she have a switch on and off in her back? Bloody hell.

On a serious note though, Bertrand is right, you need to find out what the school has in place.

She needs to back off.

It's fine being an interested and involved step parent, but this is too much.

Are they JW’s @whycantwegoonasthree?

It's up to you entirely but it wouldn't bother me. From the other end of the spectrum it could be worse. My eldest has a step mum and she's awful, a nice enough person who I get along with ok but takes no interest in my son at all.
Not a 50/50 arrangement but they have him every weekend and she often makes herself scarce with her own son if he's there.
In 8 years has never been to a football match/school play/birthday party despite being invited.
I don't bother anymore, his relationship with his dad is good and that's all I really care about but it would be nice if she took more of an interest.
I take more of an interest in her child who is no relation to me (days out, sleepovers etc) than she does with my DC but that's my choice and I do it because her DC is my sons brother and an important relationship.

Babyrefusesfood nope just your bog standard evangelicals, who believe that homosexuality can be cured, that male 'headship' is Gods order, and that sex before marriage is a sin.

I have a step daughter and three kids of my own, her and my eldest go to the same school and I would never dream of doing half the things this woman has.

Parents evenings, talking to teachers, volunteering etc is all for my partner and his ex to do either together or separate depending on what works for them at the time. It’s absolutely not my place and I would feel so uncomfortable being so involved, I generally go to her plays and performances but only as her mum and my partner ask me too as they often can’t get the time off work.

I'd be livid tbh. I dislike the word stepmum except when she has taken over full care of the child due to some legitimate reason - like the mother's death for eg. Being with the child's father does not afford you some special status - she has no understanding of the role of being a mother and the sacrifices we make. I'd be so angry if some woman presumed to insinuate herself like this. These women could have had children alone if they really wanted to, not blame everyone else because the right man didn't come along in time.

Just read you updates Op. I am similarly hands off with the school - don't always even make it to parents' night let alone raise issues because I know they are doing their job and I am doing mine. I am coming out in a cold sweat just reflecting on how horrible it would be to have someone picking me up before I fall in the way this SM is - chances are she is getting a lot of eye rolls from the teachers.

Have a few evangelical friends. Be careful. They see DC and school contacts as an access point to push the message. My DC were always being invited to "fun" events which turned out to be religion pushing. The evangelicals I know volunteer at school for the same reason. I often push back against the nonsense - I have a couple of friends who now accept and respect that our perspectives are different and a couple others who view me as the devil incarnate.

Bake sales = fine. Getting involved with decisions/discussions about the child's education = not fine.

And if she's a homophobic evangelist, I'd be even more Will she be trying to control what your daughters read? What they're taught?

Now I know she's an evangelist, I wouldn't bother speaking to her. I would tell the school that she has no parental responsibility for your children. Your children's teachers should not not be talking to her about any of this.

They haven't been together long - any chance she might have her own DC and then fuck the hell away from interfering with yours?

If not could you buy her a puppy?

Sotired it's nothing to do with you not being able to tell the difference between a step mum and a mum - I couldn't just say "mum" because I was specifically referring to mothers of children from a former relationship that now have a step mum that is the subject of the conversation".

Nobody is going to type that out each time so it's facicuous that people go on about being offended by someone saying BM. Mum is not specific enough, so perhaps people in that situation should just come up with a term they prefer because that one always seems to bother them but sometimes you just need to be that specific.

My daughters school asked me to explicitly state consent for my husband (their step dad) to discuss issues with teachers when I put all three of us on parental contact information. I think the school could improve their admin there.

Information Sharing

It’s important that schools balance the requests of parents with their statutory duties. Having parental responsibility does not allow a parent to obstruct a school from carrying out their duties under legislation.

Example A biological parent, with parental responsibility, informs their child’s maintained school that they do not wish their child’s step-parent, who does not have parental responsibility but does have care of the child, to receive educational information about that child. The school must inform the biological parent that they cannot comply with that request.
Under the Education (Pupil Information) (England) Regulations 2005, some schools are required to provide access to, or copies of a child’s educational record to parents upon request. Therefore, if the school were to abide by the request of the biological parent they would be in breach of their obligations under education law.

Family law educational law are different.
OP you need to set boundaries that you are comfortable with with SM

If not could you buy her a puppy?
wow that's insulting to anyone who cant have children!

It's a fucking privilege to be invited into the lives of other people's children

Lol, no it's really not, most of the time. I think this is what people on here don't get. Nobody will ever enjoy your children as much as you do, and having step children usually involves either the kids being awful or the ex being awful, constant allowances, constant criticism, constantly being told you shouldn't expect to matter. And if you're very lucky and it's none of that, it's still a huge amount of time and energy taken over by a child you had no choice in creating and didn't want. It's a massive sacrifice to be with someone you love.

It's not your job to be grateful, it's your exes, but no it's not a privilege for most and people need to realise that looking after their child is not a some wonderful honour for others just because of how much you love them.

Just caught up

she and exh clearly mental

Dollymuxture - indeed, I agree

Curiously my dds are still very much in contact with number 2 but not 3 or 4 as they liked very much number 2 and built a great relationship with her. Number 5 is ok but they are still together...for now

It's not a privilege to be invited into a child's life and YES sometimes it is actually a chore

Most parents come as a package with their DC.

The only time I've seen birth mother used is when a child has been adopted. It's perfectly acceptable in those circumstances. It's not in circumstances where a child's father has remarried.

Calling mothers birth mothers in that situation seems to be deliberately inflammatory. Mother is fine and we all know what it means.

This is nothing that can’t be dealt with by a civil conversation.

By your own admission she is expected to parent your children with their father half of the time. (You said he thinks parenting is woman’s work). She’s relatively new to the situation, as are you and you’re both finding your feet. She’s not perfect, you’re not perfect. Just talk to her and stop being cruel.

She knows she isn’t their Mother and is likely trying to please.

If you all want step mums to back the fuck off so badly, we can back all the way off and not have to deal with all the other crap you all expect us to put up with without complaint. We can openly say no actually I just fell in love with the dad not "the package", and everything else has just been one huge sacrifice that we'd rather opt out of.

This exactly.

I go to DSS’ appointments because my DH asks me too. It’s important to him. DSS’ Mother reluctantly allowed me to until her bf of 3/4 months started coming along and now we’re all one happy family... I’ve had to take time out of work to attend some appts. I don’t want to go. It’s mundane and often box ticking, I do it for my DH and sometimes he does stuff for me he doesn’t like.

It's a fucking privilege to be invited into the lives of other people's children

Yeah erm... I hate to break it to you... As much as I care for my SC, it's bloody hard work sometimes and yes it can be a chore.

They are the most wonderful and precious things in the world to you. Doesn't mean they are to everyone else.

Honestly I love my dc deeply but looking after them is definitely a chore sometimes I am sure it would be for a SM as well.

There are some fucking awful comments and judgements about her childlessness. Absolutely fucking despicable

Agreed. It's disgusting.