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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 07/10/2019 05:58

YANBU.
What a sleeze!

islamariesmum · 07/10/2019 06:02

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it's the right thing to do.

tympanic · 07/10/2019 06:02

Wow, so he knew you were checking his email yet didn’t click you might see that particular one?

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this, OP. I’d imagine I’d hope to try to stay calm and sit him down after the kids left and ask WTF. Can’t imagine he could have an excuse though. Then tell him to be out by the weekend. I don’t think losing your shit will help anything, but totally understand why you would.

Then again, it may be better for him to just go. My parents stayed living together for way too long after they should have split and the atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Not nice for kids.

Flowers
BWcastle2000 · 07/10/2019 06:05

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Make sure you get screen shots of the joining email and messages. It will help with the divorce. Is the house yours? If so make sure you change the locks.

BibbityBobbityBastards · 07/10/2019 06:05

So sorry you are going through this Thanks
When I found out my fiancé was shagging a colleague (how original) I didn't let on I knew for a month or so, I "got my ducks in a row" got all the paperwork together I needed, sold some items so I had some cash he didn't know about. Then when it eventually all came out I was prepared, bagged up all his stuff and left it outside for him. We are now 4 years down the road and as amicable as we can be, our son was only 5 months at the time so he has only ever known us being separated. Have you spoken to anyone in the real world op?

Candace19 · 07/10/2019 06:06

@Lazingonasunnyafternoon
Are you definitely sure he's signed up?

tympanic · 07/10/2019 06:09

Actually, I agree with the PP about getting yourself sorted first. But forward yourself the email and details then delete it from his sent folder. That way you can log in while you’re getting your ducks in a row to make sure you know the extent of it, and have the actual emails if you need them rather than the screenshots.

Nic19899 · 07/10/2019 06:09

Sometimes it’s just exciting to sign up and have a look. Doesn’t mean he’s used the site, or is going to... he’s not sent any messages. Might just be an ego-boost type situation. 🤷‍♂️

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 06:17

Yes he knew I was going in to his email to print the documents, he signed up for it so it went to his email, he’s a bit of a technophobe so asked me to print them off.
Maybe he thought he had deleted all the emails and missed one, maybe he’s just an idiot (well that one is a given considering the situation), maybe he wanted me to see it.
I suppose I can be thankful that he doesn’t appear to have sent any messages and he has been with me all weekend so he probably hasn’t endangered my health but I will get myself checked out regardless. Luckily it’s my house, I’m financially independent, he’s not the children’s father (2nd marriage for me) and it was a short marriage so once he’s out I don’t have to see or speak to him again.
All I really feel right now is “people are so disappointing”.

OP posts:
Howlovely · 07/10/2019 06:17

You sound very calm and together OP, so well done for not losing your cool immediately. I guess your next move depends on how you think you can deal with this in the next day, week, month, etc, and whether you can bear to be around him.
What a horrible shock, I hope you and the children are ok. Good luck going forward.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2019 06:19

You're making the right decision op
There's no excuse for his behaviour

Ozziewozzie · 07/10/2019 06:31

The fact that he hasn’t sent messages wouldn’t be all that reassuring. He may not yet if had a chance.
You seem dead set onhim leaving as for you the trust has gone, and understandably too.
Staying together can cause both parties so much more pain than the initial ‘thing’ too. Mistrust, the questions, interrogations, checking up, invasion of privacy, the hurt, guilt, self confidence. YANBU

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 06:40

@Nic19899 he has definitely signed up even though he hasn’t sent anyone a message, even if it was for an ego boost it’s a deal breaker for me.
@tympanic thank you for that advice, I had taken a screen shot but never thought to forward myself the email.
We never got around to getting a joint account (as I said not been married long) so all bills for the household are in my name and come out of my account, while he has paid his share in to my account I don’t actually need him to pay the bills.
Maybe I will get angry later but I just feel that I managed perfectly well without him before so I will manage perfectly well without him again. Quite frankly I have lost all respect and trust in him so I could never even kiss him again never mind stay married.

OP posts:
TravelsWithChild · 07/10/2019 06:41

Personally I'd give him an opportunity to explain himself, this wouldn't automatically mean the end of the relationship as he isn't actually cheating (AFAYK). I'd want to discuss the root problem in the relationship and try to solve it - fight for the relationship rather than just give up straight away.

Your calm tone and eagerness to get rid of him suggest to me that perhaps you already knew the relationship wasn't working. Perhaps he also knew it and intentionally left that email there for you to find to give you an easy way out?

sam221 · 07/10/2019 06:41

Your decision is sound and sensible. If you share finances-especially a bank account, dont say anything until organise yourself on that front. I do not wish to alarm you but on here I have read of many cases, where the 'DH' wipes out the bank account.
Send the email to yourself and then appreciate the simple fact, that you will not have wasted another day on this man.
Good luck with it all.

Boysey45 · 07/10/2019 06:41

I'd let him pack all his clothes/gear as you don't want him to come back nattering for things. Get his holdalls out or if not black bin bags. When the kids had left for school I'd tell him he was going now.
I'd say he goes and that's it personally.

tympanic · 07/10/2019 06:43

I just feel that I managed perfectly well without him before so I will manage perfectly well without him again.

Exactly. Consider him a bullet dodged early enough not to have wasted too much time on. Stay strong!

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 07/10/2019 06:46

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I just want to say that you sound amazing - you must be so strong and have so much self respect to behave how you are!

k1233 · 07/10/2019 06:47

I'm like you, once trust is gone, it's gone and won't be recovered.

Cuppaandcakes20 · 07/10/2019 06:50

UAuj

Cherrysoup · 07/10/2019 06:57

Has he definitely signed up? My spam is full of messages from‘Russian women” even tho I’m straight and female.

macmustard · 07/10/2019 07:07

I'd want to discuss the root problem in the relationship and try to solve it - fight for the relationship rather than just give up straight away.

Some people are just dishonest dicks. Op doesn't need to fight for a relationship with someone who's joining hook up sites as though she's somehow at fault for his behaviour.

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 07:13

@TravelsWithChild while I understand your thinking that is not the case, as far as I was concerned our relationship was good and I was in no way eager to end my marriage until this discovery. Maybe it’s harsh but as far as I’m concerned a person who would do this is not one worth fighting for, the person worth fighting for is the one who loves and respects your relationship enough to discuss any problems. The trust is gone, I’m not spending the next however many years wondering if he’s cheating on me, letting it eat away at me and my self esteem, why on earth would I fight to have that? Women seem so conditioned to accept so little in a partner, I won’t be one of them.
He has definitely signed up when I clicked the email link there is a profile.

OP posts:
MancaroniCheese · 07/10/2019 07:14

Are you sure it’s not just random spam?

I get lots of crap telling me hot young women are gagging for me despite never signing up for anything like that.

Hjwk · 07/10/2019 07:14

I'd check the deleted items folder too incase it hasn't been emptied..

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