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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
Slappadabass · 07/10/2019 07:47

@FlipFlopChipShop
That sounds so unlikely, surely if he was showing a friend he would have just set the account up for his friend, with his friends details and photos, rather than setting his own up. Not even remotely believable!

Hooferdoofer37 · 07/10/2019 07:48

@FlipFlopChipShop honey, that's not a logical explanation, that's a lie your husband told you when he was caught (attempting) to cheat.

MrMeSeeks · 07/10/2019 07:48

Have you checked there is actually a profile ( as in its actually his?) it is possible for someone to enter the incorrect email, it happened to me Confused i was not impressed.

Samosaurus · 07/10/2019 07:50

@FlipFlopChipShop I assume your colleague found your husband via a photograph on Tinder - why would you need to upload an actual photo of yourself if you were just ‘showing your mate’ how to do it? And really he ‘forgot’ to take it down? That’s such a far-fetched excuse as he would have been getting notifications etc. I’m sorry your husband has managed to pull the wool over your eyes.
OP you are handling this situation amazingly. Great that your finances are still separate- it’ll make a clean break so much easier.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 07/10/2019 07:52

Worth checking out whether he has a claim on your house if you split. I know someone who lost half her property when they divorced because her husband of one year had an affair. She had built up this nest egg completely on her own, over many years, before she met him.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 07/10/2019 07:55

I would definitely confirm it's real. I get so much spam with things like "Hey AllStar! Maria wants to hook up with you 😜😜"

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 07:57

OP has already said she checked it by logging in.

You wouldn’t have a log in just from spam.

Raisingwildanimals · 07/10/2019 07:58

I get lots of emails telling me I’ve got messages and matches on POF but I definitely don’t have an account so it could just be spam. However, if you’ve checked and he does genuinely have a profile then I’d be packing his bags for him. Personally I could never stay in a relationship after that because there would be no trust.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 07/10/2019 08:00

OP has already said she checked it by logging in.

You wouldn’t have a log in just from spam.

This!!! Seriously people

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 08:01

YABU for not waking his cheating arse up and kicking him out immediately OP.

You're so calm. You're pretty awesome x

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 08:05

Flip flop did he have an explanation as to why he didn’t delete the profile after he created it to ‘show his friend’?

Chloe9 · 07/10/2019 08:05

I would do exactly what you said, kicked out after the school run with a bag of clothes and his toothbrush. He can come back for the rest of his things at your convenience, but cleansing your home of everything that's his could be therapeutic so I Wouldn't sit on it for too long.

LemonTT · 07/10/2019 08:06

Sounds like click bait otherwise it would be impossible to log in without a password. And as others have said these accounts never die and people will get follow ups.

FWIW, I did a test sign up many years ago for a friend who was skittish about the whole thing.

But it’s not fair on children to create a dramatic showdown involving throwing their father out onto the streets.

PrtScn · 07/10/2019 08:08

Worth checking out whether he has a claim on your house if you split. I know someone who lost half her property when they divorced because her husband of one year had an affair. She had built up this nest egg completely on her own, over many years, before she met him.

This. I was just about to post. On marriage everything is 50/50 split when divorced. Maybe since it’s less than a year (I’m presuming) you’ll be ok, but get legal advice first.

CaveMum · 07/10/2019 08:09

@LemonTT he’s not the children’s father, it’s the OPs second marriage.

HettySunshine · 07/10/2019 08:12

LemonTT have you actually rtft? He's not the children's father and the op is not going to 'throw him out on the streets' in front of the children. She's going to wait until they've gone to school.

This will be far less traumatic for the dc than living with a cheating stepfather for the next however many years.

Cluelessbeetroot · 07/10/2019 08:16

There are lots of emails in DP’s Spam folder about his (non-existent) profiles on dating sites, some (can’t remember the sender) are really convincing - hi [DP name] click on this link to see your latest matches / you have a message from Anna2345, click on this link to see it.
So just make sure what you saw is a real email before you kick him out. If it is, by all means, show the bastard the door.

GeneHuntLover · 07/10/2019 08:18

I wish people would RTFT! He's got a profile, she's not going to kick him out in front if the kids, he's not the father of her kids

Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 08:22

I'd just ask him outright and you should know him well enough to judge a non/guilty reaction.

I love that you have so much respect for yourself to want to kick him out at the very first sign. I wish I had but I was pregnant, and he messed around with my already very muddled up hormonal brain.

I had £30 stolen out of my account from a dodgy website I hadn't even signed up to (I checked on trustpilot and it had happened to hundreds of people). So details can be stolen. It's a good sign he hasn't sent any messages, or replied to any? shows he hasn't actually been active on the site?... have you checked the browsing history? I know it feels like snooping etc, but you have to know either way or you'll go mad. I just wouldn't fly off the handle just yet or you might really hurt him if he's innocent.

Good luck, really hope it's just a spam attack Flowers

Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 08:24

I wish people would RTFT! He's got a profile, she's not going to kick him out in front if the kids, he's not the father of her kids

Balls, sorry, I must have skipped over that bit!

FFS what a dick. I'm so sorry. xx

1onelyranger · 07/10/2019 08:28

I would be so angry if DP opened such an email in my account and clicked on any link in it.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 08:29

FWIW, I did a test sign up many years ago for a friend who was skittish about the whole thing.

Did you upload your own photos and then leave the account on there?

StillNumb · 07/10/2019 08:29

When my DD was a student, her 'friend' signed her up for an online dating site. My DD asked me to log onto her email for something and I could see lots of emails from the site. Mentioned it to DD, and she said friend had done it was a joke a DD single. What pissed me off though was the friend had made a username which was almost the same as DD's name, given details about her course, and lots of other very identifying details. Could it be anything like this?

Otherwise, sorry this has happened, and wish you well for the future.

darceybussell · 07/10/2019 08:33

I was just coming on to say it would be worth checking that some idiot mate hasn't signed him up for it before you throw him out. If not, go ahead, get rid!

MintyMabel · 07/10/2019 08:33

Women seem so conditioned to accept so little in a partner, I won’t be one of them.

While this can be true, it is also true that giving up on a marriage, at the first hurdle, without even having a discussion about it is rather extreme. Especially with the upheaval it will cause the children.

Yeah I did believe it. It's called trust. It makes no difference to me if you don't believe it.
Don’t forget, this is MN where every husband is lying and cheating, or will take any opportunity to do so, and any woman who believes a reasonable explanation, knowing who her husband is, is a complete idiot.

I met my DH on a dating site two decades ago. I guarantee both of us still have profiles on sites somewhere (if those ones still exist)