Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
Yeahnahyeah1 · 07/10/2019 07:15

Do you know what? This is shit of him, and sad that it’s brought about the end of your marriage which you thought was otherwise happy, but I have so much respect for the way you’re dealing with this OP. I would feel the same, and once you know the trust and respect is gone, why limp on any longer?

FlipFlopChipShop · 07/10/2019 07:16

I would ask him about it.

My husband was found on Tinder by work collegue many years ago. Turns out he was showing his mate how to create a profile on it and hadn't taken it down. There could be a logical explanation for it.

Maybe he was just having a look? Doesn't mean he would act on it? My inbox has lots of random things in where different sites now have my e mail address and spam me.

RichPetunia · 07/10/2019 07:24

Are you sure he joined the hook up site? Reason I'm asking is if he sometimes accesses adult sites they can trigger a whole lot of emails from women wanting to hook up, even if you've not signed up. If he was ok with you going into check the emails in the first place, do you think the hook up one could actually just be spam?

FlipFlopChipShop · 07/10/2019 07:27

I agree with Rich, I get loads of spam asking me if I want to extend my 🍆 to 12 inches. 😨 Very much addressed to me. Definitely don't have a 🍆.

Grainedmonkey · 07/10/2019 07:27

I'd just be wary of forwarding the email to yourself as I think an arrow appears to indicate it's been replied to or forwarded. I;m so sorry for the situation you are in .

Nousernameforme · 07/10/2019 07:28

@FlipFlopChipShop Yeah I don't think I would be believing your DH tbh.

Well done OP for not taking any shite. You don't need to justify having healthy boundaries or enforcing them. Good luck for getting him out.

MrsMozartMkII · 07/10/2019 07:28

Maybe daft questions but are you sure that a) the profile is him, and b) that some stupid arse friend hasn't done it in his name?

Dogwalks2 · 07/10/2019 07:28

Stay as calm as you can, if there is a reasonable reason the site is on his emails you may be to upset to listen. Good luck.

Witchinaditch · 07/10/2019 07:29

Id hope it could be a spam email? But if not I’d print out the email with the other emails and hand them all to him. Good luck OP.

Nousernameforme · 07/10/2019 07:29

She logged in and he had a made a profile, reading comprehension people ffs

Yeahnahyeah1 · 07/10/2019 07:29

@FlipFlopChipShop you must see how far fetched that sounds Hmm
I’d normally be saying, are you sure it’s not spam, cause we all get weird spam, but OP has logged onto his account. Bit beyond just getting weird emails!

MyOtherProfile · 07/10/2019 07:32

So sorry OP. I'm with you - once trust is gone, that's it. However I would give him 5 minutes to present his side first, just in case there's some actually believable reason behind it that I hadn't thought of. Unlikely I know, but I would still give him chance to speak. And then boot him out.

ohfourfoxache · 07/10/2019 07:34

Bloody hell what is wrong with people? You’re newly married, this is supposed to be the happiest of times.

Sorry you’re going through this

rwalker · 07/10/2019 07:35

Talk to him first not right but sometimes people sign up with these out of curoisty and for bit of an online thrill never actually do anything.
Some people could get past that some couldn't.

LazyDaisey · 07/10/2019 07:35

Does he have anywhere to go to? House might be in your name but you can’t make him leave if he’s your husband - he has a legal right to stay. So instead of asking the etiquette for kicking him out, maybe consider the fact you can’t legally and physically and strategise about how to get him to leave voluntarily.

CampingItUp · 07/10/2019 07:38

YANBU but if you co own or are both on the lease if a rental property you may not actually have the right to make him leave.

Livelovebehappy · 07/10/2019 07:38

Agree with pp’s. Double check it’s not just a spam one. Before being with DH I joined a dating site and although I cancelled my subscription I still receive even years later random dating sign ups with pictures and messages from potential dates, for different sites. I guess your details are passed on to other companies. Just doesn’t make sense that he knows you have access to his emails that he would know that you might see stuff.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 07:39

My husband was found on Tinder by work collegue many years ago. Turns out he was showing his mate how to create a profile on it and hadn't taken it down.

You didn’t seriously believe that?? You can’t show someone how to create a profile by setting one up yourself, only by talking them through the set up process.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 07:40

I’m sorry OP.

He will tell you he never intended to hook up with anyone of course, it was just for kicks. But how would you ever be sure.

FlipFlopChipShop · 07/10/2019 07:41

Yeah I did believe it. It's called trust. It makes no difference to me if you don't believe it.

Slappadabass · 07/10/2019 07:45

Are you 100% sure it's not just spam? I get all sorts, hook up sites, enlarge your penis emails, hot young girls looking for sex. Never have I once signed up for any site even remotely similar to those, but I still get the emails.
Just make sure you are 100% certain he has used this site, is there a way of checking the history on his phone/computer to make sure he's actually gone on the site and it's not just spam?
If you are sure, then YANBU, kick the bastard out, you and your kids deserve better.

JenniferM1989 · 07/10/2019 07:45

I got an e-mail saying I bad matches on POF but of course I dont even have an account! Have you actually been able to access the account?

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 07:46

Flip flop I can’t believe you believed that pathetic excuse!! You create a profile on tinder by clicking the create profile option and following the very simple instructions on the screen. If someone had to be shown that then all you’d have to do is click on tinder and point out the butting to press, not create yourself a whole profile for them to copy 😂

LazyDaisey · 07/10/2019 07:46

No that’s called blind trust.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 07:46

Technically it’s called naivety or misplaced trust.

Swipe left for the next trending thread