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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2019 16:37

I understand why people think it may be the teens, friends or phishing emails but how would any of those know his password? The OP said that she guessed the password because he always uses it and that logged her in. Surely friends and the teens wouldn't know it.

Jesse70 · 07/10/2019 16:47

The OP sounds very sensible and I'm sure she has not got any wires crossed
don't know what the etiquette is for when ending a marriage but I think u should have some kind of record of this even if it's that email printed out for getting a divorce
It's entirely up to u I'd you want to give him time to sort himself out with a place but I sometimes think he might try and push his luck with that
If he has a job and money coming in then there's no reason why he can't get a hotel until he finds something more permanent

I hope this hasn't put you off anything on the future they are not all assholes

Joey7t8 · 07/10/2019 16:49

I understand why people think it may be the teens, friends or phishing emails but how would any of those know his password?

Phishing emails don’t know your password. What they do is link you to what looks like a legit login page for a site, you then input your email and password to that site and the fraudsters then have your password. They work on the basis that, like the OP’s husband, people are lazy and only have one password (or similar variations) that is used for numerous logins across the internet. The usual target will be the user’s email account, as hacking this can open all sorts of security doors.

Joey7t8 · 07/10/2019 16:51

Another thing about having the exact same password for all his accounts is that it makes him a prime candidate for being hacked.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 17:07

That is why most sites have anti phishing software. When you sign up you have to not only enter username and password but click on the link in your email address to confirm account, and also fill out ‘which squares have only ‘bus/water hydrant’ + enter in distorted code made from numbers and letters.

The chances of a major hookup site not having that is slim.

Wherearemycrayons · 07/10/2019 17:37

Wow OP what a strong woman you are, I hate the fact he’s done this to you, and it must be so raw considering you’ve been married a matter of weeks, but I commend how strong you are and your self respect. Flowers

zzzzzzzz12345 · 07/10/2019 21:02

OP I hope you are ok and the radio silence is a sign you aren’t packing his bags rather than listening to his excuses.

anothernamejeeves · 07/10/2019 21:42

Hope it went well
And @FlipFlopChipShop he's done a right number on you hasn't he? Poor mare

Grainedmonkey · 07/10/2019 21:52

FlipFlop was actually trying to help OP with her post

Ridiclious · 07/10/2019 21:55

I'm so sorry to hear this. I honestly do not know what is wrong with some men. I would suggest it might be worth listening to his explanation to see if it's even vaguely convincing before packing his bags.

Scbchl · 07/10/2019 22:09

I have signed up for loads in the past for many reasons except cheating.. tinder we set up my husbands cousin one night and then I quickly
Set one up to see if he came up as an option for me as we were curious if he would to everyone in the area.

Grindr we set up as were told my husbands (different) cousin was on it. He was

Another one, cant remember, me and my mum set up as her ex set one up and it came out their (still) joint bank account so we looked for a laugh.

The main thing about all this was though flipflop. We never used our real name, date of birth etc or a profile pic. And deleted it straight after. Your husbands full of crap. Sorry.

TravelsWithChild · 07/10/2019 22:14

Is this gonna be yet another thread where the OP never bothers to update us? (usually because she decides to do the opposite of the advice given)

raspberryk · 07/10/2019 22:34

@TravelsWithChild when you kick your husband out the last thing you think of is updating a forum Confused

Cleverplayonwords · 08/10/2019 07:09

@TravelsWithChild it's not a soap opera.

GoosetheCat · 08/10/2019 07:29

@TravelsWithChild maybe have a little sympathy? OP has just had her world turned upside down. She isn't obligated to come back and update us.

RushianDisney · 08/10/2019 09:47

I hope OP is ok

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 08/10/2019 10:22

Update...firstly denied any knowledge then when he realised I had the proof he admitted it. It was all very predictable, it was just for a laugh etc, he thinks he’s not done anything because he didn’t meet people, he was just looking. The point where he said he hadn’t done anything was the point where the calm woman left the building. I would love to say I was completely classy but I lost it a little, after hours of back and forth he did leave and left his keys behind. He probably thinks I will calm down and everything will be fine in a week. And as a pp said I was in shock because after he left I just started shaking and being sick.
I didn’t tell the children anything other than he’s away visiting friends for a few nights, I just wasn’t up to discussing it anymore. Real life friends are coming round tonight, I feel calm and in control but that doesn’t stop it from feeling awful. I just need to get on with life and be thankful I found this out sooner rather than later!
Thank you everyone for the support.

OP posts:
Itsallgonewoowoo · 08/10/2019 10:25

I still think you've been classy, if it as calm as you'd like. Sorry this happened but yeah, it's not a laugh and he shouldn't even want to be looking. On the positive side at least you've found out he's a sleaze early on.

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 08/10/2019 10:27

And to answer the email question, he said he never thought I would open random emails so he wasn’t careful about it.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 08/10/2019 10:34

What an idiot on all counts.
Well done

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/10/2019 10:43

Couldn't even be arsed to cover his tracks! although of course that was to your advantage as you found out what a sleaze his is. Sorry this has happened, but you've done the right thing. He'd carry on, but hide it well if you let him get away with it now.

Sicario · 08/10/2019 10:45

Sending hugs. I would have done exactly the same. As someone said earlier... dodged bullet indeed.

You rock.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 10:46

Jesus what a dog. Literally as soon as he considered himself safely married with feet under the table and with rights to your house, off he went to sniff.

Hope you're packing his bags right now.

thisisasoloflight · 08/10/2019 10:53

I was hoping against hope there was an innocent explanation. More fool me.

Your composure and dignity are awesome and I wish you strength and good luck. What an idiot to lose someone like you.

I hope you feed his balls to dogs.

Sicario · 08/10/2019 11:13

He's not entitled to a fucking penny by the way. And you'd be fully within your rights to sue him for fraudulent marriage. What a dickhead.