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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick his arse out first thing!

239 replies

Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 05:40

New account as I couldn’t figure out how to name change!
Not been married that long, had to log in to my not so DH’s email (not snooping I know the password and was checking an email about insurance which he knew I was doing at some point over this weekend) there was an email with the kind of title you don’t ignore, find out that he joined a hook up site a few days ago.
I’m strangely calm, there is no going back from this, it’s not something I imagined he would do but I suppose we never know anyone do we, our marriage is over. He doesn’t know I know at this point, he was asleep and I wanted to plan my next move, not wake him up and have a terrible argument in the middle of the night.
My AIBU is ....
Would throwing him out as soon as the kids have gone to school with a bag of clothes and nothing else be unreasonable?
What’s the etiquette for finding out a wanker has joined a hook up site (of course I logged in to it straight from his email), he has received messages but not sent any. Are you supposed to reasonably discuss the situation and let them have time to find somewhere else to live? Or am I being completely reasonable by at least giving him the opportunity to pack a bag?

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 07/10/2019 08:37

Why did DH give OP his password so she could log into his emails if he had something to hide? I don't get that unless he is so naive about tech that he didn't think she would see anything. Then again he obviously had the know how to create a profile.

Goingbacktokansascity · 07/10/2019 08:37

I would definitely kick him out BUT word of warning, if you go into my junk email folder the amount of spam I get which says “hook up in your area” etc maybe it’s compleyely innocent because he’s have to be pretty stupid to let you go on his email if he’s signed up to one

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 08:39

By "got a profile" do you mean it's got pics and a blurb?

I know someone who was signed up to spam sites by a "mate" and some of the stuff he receives literally looks like an inbox, with messages etc, but other than his email there's no details actually about him on the site

andyoldlabour · 07/10/2019 08:40

Having worked in software support, where I help people with software problems on industry specific systems, I get to meet a lot of very techy folks who deal with hardware and are very knowledgeable about computer scams etc.
The only way this could be an innocent mistake is if the email account has been "spoofed".
This happened to me years ago, when out of the blue, one of my mates phoned me and said he thought my email account had been hacked, because he opened an email from me (supposedly from me) which contained a very nasty video, and he knew that it would have been totally out of character for me to send him something like that. He told me to look at my "sent" folder.
When I did this, it turned out that a particular email which I had not composed had been sent to every single one of my contacts.
How does this happen?
I was told that if you open an email from what you think is a trusted source, it may not be, it may well be a hacked account. The hacked account will then harvest information from your email account.
There is absolutely no reason why an email containg a virus, wouldn't be able to sign you up to a dodgy site or worse.

thisisasoloflight · 07/10/2019 08:41

Is this part of a series of mistrusts and things going downhill, or is it in isolation in an otherwise good marriage?

Ask him for an explanation. You deserve to know what's going on either way.

NettleTea · 07/10/2019 08:41

I think there is a big difference in having an old inactive profile from years ago, to having an active profile, just created in the last few days.

I can believe that the OP is not an idiot. She has seen the emails and can recognise what is spam and what is a genuine sign up

She has gone into the sign up and logged on to her husbands profile. The husband isnt very tech savvy so most likely has password saved - my computer does this automatically now, so would be very simple for her to log in.

I cannot believe that people are telling her that 'maybe he was curious'??? WTF??? Id give him bloody curious and sounds like OP will too. What have men got to do before women say enough is enough. Its fucking disrespectful to create a profile for some secret flirting for an ego boost, even if thats the max he was doing, when in a relationship.
And as for talking about 'what went wrong'?? Are people suggesting OP is to blame here? Maybe hasnt been ego stroking enough so poor little man had no choice but to go elsewhere? Or simply felt entitled to have a bit of extras?

OP, Im sorry you are going through this, but Im pleased your red lines are clear and your boundaries are strong.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/10/2019 08:42

My husband was found on Tinder by work collegue many years ago. Turns out he was showing his mate how to create a profile on it and hadn't taken it down. There could be a logical explanation for it.

Hmm

Cut to next week where Flipflop's DH was NOT cheating, he was just showing his mate how to shag the local barmaid.

OP if his is a gmail account you can check the history of the account, it will show what he was searching for online when logged into the account, may be worth a look if his gmail is linked to his phone and always logged in. In your position I would be getting legal advice today to protect yourself. Best of luck.

andyoldlabour · 07/10/2019 08:43

"Why did DH give OP his password so she could log into his emails if he had something to hide?"

Exactly. Both my wife and I know the passwords to each other's email accounts, so we can access each other's to see if we have received urgent emails, because we cannot access them when working.

Sandii · 07/10/2019 08:44

Give yourself a good pep talk and remember - as you’ve said - you can manage without him if it comes to that. Think about how you’d support a sister or close friend through this, and do that for yourself. No one deserves to be treated like that. Good luck .

Andromeida59 · 07/10/2019 08:46

OP, why not check the history on the browser? This will be able to tell you when he accessed the site.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/10/2019 08:48

Why did DH give OP his password so she could log into his emails if he had something to hide?

My (now ex) OH gave me the log in to his phone to look at pics he had taken even though he was cheating with someone from work, so I can answer this, the answer is arrogance, he had been lying and cheating so much and with such success that he fully believed I was too thick to notice and that I was innocent enough to believe his lies if he was found out. Some people are just very entitled and something like handing your partner of 20 years your phone knowing that it contains messages, pictures and emails from the side piece provides some thrill, in a sick way.

Figgygal · 07/10/2019 08:53

Have you confronted him yet op?

As to the previous poster with the husband on tinder wow!!

HulksPurplePanties · 07/10/2019 09:00

Before you kick him out do just do a quick google and make sure it's not a spoof site. They can be very, very convincing.

If a google search brings up nothing. Kick the bastard out.

Divorce678 · 07/10/2019 09:00

Oh @FlipFlopChipShop you don’t seriously believe that.....?

Original poster
Lazingonasunnyafternoon · 07/10/2019 09:02

Just to clear this up, the account was set up on Friday, I clicked on the email link then used the user name and password he uses for everything, it logged me in. The profile has no picture but does have his date of birth, area we live in etc. He “liked” profiles on Saturday and while he hasn’t sent messages his outbox contains automated messages to everyone he “liked”, this is not an old or inactive account. The username and password are not obvious so I very much doubt a friend did it for kicks or it was a hack job.
The children are mid teens, they will understand “I caught xxxx on a hook up site, he doesn’t live here anymore”.
I will get advice on the house but when I say short marriage I mean so short we got our wedding pictures a couple of weeks ago.
It’s rather sad that we are both home today and had planned to do something nice, instead I am quietly drinking my coffee preparing myself for this shit show.
I will give him an opportunity to explain but in the face of such evidence I can’t imagine there is an innocent explanation.
Thank you for the support.

OP posts:
Frazzledbutcalm · 07/10/2019 09:02

I feel fitflop has inadvertently taken over the thread Grin ... oh fitflop .. no way is that excuse plausible ... there’s trust and there’s stupidity ... yours was the latter.

OP ... I’m sorry your ‘d’h has done this ... your trust will be gone forever, you can’t get that back.

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 09:06

@Lazingonasunnyafternoon you're right - if he was showing a friend how to set it up it'd all be on 1 day, not spread across two.
Hope you're ok x

angieloumc · 07/10/2019 09:08

OP, will be thinking of you this morning. Sorry you are going through this.

BloggersBlog · 07/10/2019 09:09

You sound amazingly calm @Lazingonasunnyafternoon. Just be prepared for the anger that may be forming without you realising and may well explode out of you when you dont expect it.

Grainedmonkey · 07/10/2019 09:09

Good luck OP with what is about to happen, stay calm and strong.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 07/10/2019 09:10

Newly married and already on a hook up site.
You are well rid of your stbxh.
Just check he hasn’t got a claim on anything because you are married.
Ducks in a row and all that
🦆 🦆 🦆

Frazzledbutcalm · 07/10/2019 09:12

AmI ... read the thread properly .. it wasn’t OP’s dh showing someone how to set up an account ... that was a different posters dh.

AFifthOfKoolAid · 07/10/2019 09:12

OP people come, go and come back with these sites all the time. Just because this one is new doesn't mean he hasn't had one before, so do get yourself tested.

You're doing the right thing, there is no plausible explanation for this that doesn't involve him having zero respect for you.

JasonPollack · 07/10/2019 09:13

Good luck OP I hope he has the decency to come clean and go quietly Flowers

NcNcNcNcNcNcNc · 07/10/2019 09:13

I'm married and signed up to Tinder recently because I read Lewis Capaldi is on there and I wanted to see his bio and stuff 😂

Could be a reasonable explanation.