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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
custardbear · 06/10/2019 04:42

Ask fir receipts and exchange gifts

Organise a weekend with your friends and maybe ask your DH to have the kids?

MutedUser · 06/10/2019 04:44

Honestly sounds like he went above and beyond for your birthday . I think you sound ungrateful.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2019 04:45

The actual birthday bit isn't worth worrying about I'd have thought but ignoring your friends bit is, and asking for specific present ideas then ignoring them is weird. It's a bit like he did half of a job. Either he plans it all himself it he asks you what you want. Bit odd to go halfway.

Is it a budget issue?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 06/10/2019 04:47

It's not too late to organise a get together with your friends btw, but you need to think through whether you want the stress of organising.

Oysterbabe · 06/10/2019 04:49

This reply has been deleted

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Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:49

Muted, I totally appreciate all his effort, I do - I just feel like he made a big thing of asking exactly what I wanted but then doing something different. My main thing is I wanted to celebrate the day with family and friends.

Custard, I know what you're saying but I couldn't bring myself to exchange the pressies, I think I'd upset people.

OP posts:
Widowodiw · 06/10/2019 04:51

It’s nearly my 40th birthday and I will spend it alone, with my children with no one even acknowledging it as my husband didn’t even make it to 40, passed at 38. Be grateful you made it to 40 and you have a husband who made an effort even if it was not what you expected.

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:54

Oyster, I think that's a bit unfair. If you were asked exactly what you'd like for your birthday and one of your main requests was to celebrate with your friends and then they weren't involved at all, wouldn't you feel a bit disappointed??

Name change- no it wasn't a budget issue, people were very generous that way which makes me feel worse!

OP posts:
MutedUser · 06/10/2019 04:55

I’m so sorry @Widowodiw that really puts things into perspective.

OP does he know all your friends ? Maybe the thought all the other things he organised that you didn’t ask for were enough ? Did he think your friends should organise their thing with you.

stealthbanana · 06/10/2019 04:58

I don’t think yabu- it’s a bit strange to find out exactly what you wanted then ignore it!

You should definitely gird your loins and exchange the presents. I assume you’re not going to wear the wrong fragrance? It’s just a waste and no one would want that. And, if you want a party, just organise one but later! Your friends will be just as happy to celebrate with you on another day.

Happy birthday OP!

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:58

I'm so sorry, Widow.

He knows all my friends, yes. And yes, you're right, maybe he thought everything else was enough. It was just a bit strange getting texts from all my friends asking what I was doing to celebrate and telling them I didn't know as it was all a surprise - they obviously all expected to be involved!

OP posts:
tangomouse · 06/10/2019 04:59

I get it. I knew for my 40th I would feel disappointed. When I shouldn't. So went abroad with my friend and took it out of husbands hand. Sort yourself out.

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:00

Thanks Stealth! I think stretching out the celebrations might be the answer!

OP posts:
Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:00

That was a good idea, Tango!

OP posts:
BishopFrownofStThigh · 06/10/2019 05:01

Have you spoken to husband about it? What does he say?

MutedUser · 06/10/2019 05:01

It’s strange when you said to your friends that it was all a surprise that they didn’t message your DH to find out what was happening.

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:01

No, Bishop, I don't see the point now, I'd only upset him which doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:02

Yes, that's a good point, Muted, I hadn't thought of that!

OP posts:
BishopFrownofStThigh · 06/10/2019 05:04

It's only a day - I had my 30th abroad no family/friend's aside from abroad friends. Loved it. When we returned next year we had a belated 30th (my 31st) with everyone, large meal.

donethinkin · 06/10/2019 05:05

Yes YABU. I’m lucky to get a card! My DH does nothing for my birthday and did nothing for my 40th. You had loads of treats and surprises. I’m shocked you are moaning. You could have a bloke like mine that couldn’t give a shit!

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:05

Very true, Bishop. I guess I could organise some other things myself.

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MarleysGhost · 06/10/2019 05:05

I'm in a similar situation as Widowodiw I would be in tears if I got a birthday card right now. I think a little humility and perspective might really help.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 06/10/2019 05:06

Why would your friends not plan something between them??

You sound incredibly spoilt, like you're actively trying to find fault with every element of what he planned for you. Your family will have been fine not having lunch on your actual birthday.

You also sound very high maintenance.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 05:06

I think what your husband did was quite enough, so he got a few bits wrong, so what. Please don't be petulant about it. You're very lucky, a lot of people don't have anything or even any family with whom to celebrate.

You can get together with your friends for a meal and drinks at a later date, just tell them husband did it quietly and family only.

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 05:06

Well, yes, that does sound shit, donethinkin.

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