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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:

SeekingShade · 06/10/2019 08:16

How is he generally? I wonder at your reluctance to upset him talking about it?

Did he make a big fuss about how much money, time and effort he went to? Just so you know how grateful you need to be? So you can't complain without looking/feeling ungrateful?

AnnaMagnani · 06/10/2019 08:17

The presents thing - are the things he has bought sutff you might try and now be surprised by, a bit like a beauty Advent calendar, or are they just absolutely wrong? eg body lotion when you don't use it, wrong shade of makeup, stuff you are actually allergic to?

Because if it's the former, I'd just suck it up and try it. The latter, I'd exchange it and make sure he knew and explain nicely that you loved the effort but this is why you gave him a list.

I am a nightmare person to buy for with smellies - allergies, migraine, don't wear makeup, and so there is a LIST. On Christmas and birthdays I always end up with a few gifts from people who don't know and I just politely thank them and regift/charity shop ASAP. But DH and DM would never ever buy anything for me without The List.

pegspurplecat · 06/10/2019 08:19

I agree with Emilybronte. If his boss had asked him to arrange a meeting for the entire staff and he'd actually only arranged it for a couple of team leaders would the boss be happy? Would he expect his boss to be happy? Would he do this? No, No and No. so why is the OP expected to think the sun shines out of his arse by some posters?

Handy for him that his plan involved arrangements with far fewer people than what the OP wanted.

Octonaught · 06/10/2019 08:23

Maybe none of the OPs friends were that bothered about organising a surprise birthday; otherwise they would have been in touch with the husband.
I’ve done it for baby showers for friends.
The OP has had, a surprise lunch with her children, and night in a hotel with her husband, a surprise party with her extended family and presents.
Perhaps her friends think she has had enough fuss made over her.
FFS the people who are defending her are also entitled.

SerenDippitty · 06/10/2019 08:25

OP you do sound a bit difficult to please.

I would say exactly the same if a man posted complaining that his wife had done what your DH did. I think people can invest way too much in these milestone birthdays.

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 08:25

you sound spoil, ungrateful and incredibly egocentric. What is your problem?

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 06/10/2019 08:27

Yabu you anticipated how your 40th was going to turn out, really quite specifically, i.e giving specific gift ideas, who should be there.
Your now disappointed that he put all that effort it and it easy what you wanted.

Your own expectations have let you down here op, had to not been so specific with your expectation you would have had a great time and appreciated all he's done. He sounds very kind op and your just kicking him in the bollocks cos you didn't get it exactly how you wanted it. Sorry but you seem entitled, selfish and ungrateful. Grow up and start appreciating what's considerate and kind husband you have.

redcarbluecar · 06/10/2019 08:30

Frustrating not to be properly listened to, but you’ll know in future to organise birthday celebrations yourself - that way you’ll get the people, venue and arrangements YOU want.

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/10/2019 08:30

Jeez people are questioning the man's character now ! He did a great job by the sounds of it . Sounds like you wanted a girlie thing but you got family instead . Too much emphasis placed on all these milestone birthdays etc now .

GPatz · 06/10/2019 08:33

I love how this has become the OP's fault for anticipating that she would actually get what she asked for, when asked what she would like by her husband.

If she had anticipated all this without her husband asking her, I'd get it.

Patnotpending · 06/10/2019 08:34

Haven't had time to read the whole thread so may be repeating – but are you sure that your husband didn't try to get everyone together and for whatever reason couldn't manage it?

My partner has a significant birthday in early March next year and I'm trying to find a weekend when most of his friends are available so that I can organise a big event. He has friends in Ireland and on the continent and from all over the UK, as well as lots of local contacts. I'm finding it really difficult to find a date within a couple of weeks of his birthday when most of his closer friends are available. Some people seem to book themselves up for a year ahead.

treenu · 06/10/2019 08:36

Maybe my issue is more why does anyone need such a fuss for birthdays?

Completely the OPs right to do whatever she wants - it's her 40th. I can understand her disappointment, however she can organise something with her friends in the next month or two?

To the people making out that her husband hasn't bothered, men don't do enough or some of us have low standards - I don't think that this is strictly fair. My DP always makes a massive fuss for me, fair enough it's not always perfect or what I was expecting but it comes from the right place - much as I'm sure what I do for him isn't always exactly what he wants. I suppose we just appreciate the effort and time with our loved ones.

MissSueDenim · 06/10/2019 08:38

If the problem was with your DH though, surely your friends would have either contacted him to find out plans or organised their own birthday celebration for you if they were really that keen?

Is it a possibility that your DH did invite your friends but they declined?

cccameron · 06/10/2019 08:39

Can't believe how low some peoples standards are when it comes to relationships. So sad, must be some really miserable people out there if they think OP is a twat for telling her DH what she wanted when HE asked then being a bit upset when he completely disregarded her and just did what he wanted. Just makes me thankful I'm with someone who actually cares about me tbh

Cakemadeoffruit · 06/10/2019 08:40

I'm with you OP. Why ask what you want then not bother? Yes he did go to a lot of effort, but sounds like it was an effort to do what he wanted. or he was only half listening and heard blah blah perfume blah blah. So thought, I'll organise perfume. Perfume is incredibly personal, if I wear some perfumes it sets off a migraine, so there's usually a reason for specific requests.

But also if you are usually the organiser, I think there's a disappointment when you put effort into other people's birthdays and they don't put the same level into yours, which I think is where some of your disappointment lies. You are allowed to feel disappointment the same as you are allowed to feel grateful and I think you've had a harsh time from some of the previous posters.

Organise some time with your friends even if it's for a couple of months time, no harm in wanting to see them.

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/10/2019 08:41

TBH I think people get fed up to the back teeth of all these things - milestone birthdays , hen trips, baby showers blah blah the list goes on and on .....and on ....travel, expense etc

LizzieSiddal · 06/10/2019 08:41

All I'm saying is , if I made a big thing of asking you what you'd like for dinner, for example, and said you I would cook anything you wanted, absolutely anything at all and you said you'd love some pasta, you don't care what type, how or where it's served, you would just love some pasta and then I served you a pie - wouldn't you feel a little disappointed?

Yes I would! And I understand why you’re disappointed!
He asked you then ignored you.

I have to ask is he like this with other things? Do you generally feel listened to?

purpleme12 · 06/10/2019 08:42

I'm sorry but yes you're being unreasonable!
There was no guarantees you'd get those things
If someone did even a quarter of that for me I'd be over the moon, ecstatic but no one will. I'll never have that.
Jesus some people don't know how lucky they are

NataliaOsipova · 06/10/2019 08:44

It sounds like the problem here is that you actually had a very, very specific idea of what you wanted for your birthday. You wanted specific events with specific people....and very specific gifts. No problem there - why shouldn’t you? The problem comes because you wanted your DH to organise it and (I’m inferring for your post) wanted it all to be a wonderful surprise. This is a risky strategy when you have your heart set on specifics because (as seems to have happened here) there’s room for misunderstandings and things to “fall down the cracks”. It doesn’t sound to me as though your DH has been thoughtless at all - he just hasn’t read your mind or been given a detailed list of instructions. I think the lesson is that if you have a very fixed idea of what you want, you need to arrange it yourself - or at the very least, provide very specific requests.

supersop60 · 06/10/2019 08:45

YANBU Op. He asked you want you wanted and then didn't do it.
I don't care how much effort he went to , or 'it's the thought that counts'.
Either he's dim, or just decided that he knew better.

I'm another one who thinks it unfair that men have a free pass, just because they've done anything at all.
a bit like my DP who expects a round of applause for putting the bins out

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/10/2019 08:45

Just when you think you have read the doziest comment ever , another one comes along

DBML · 06/10/2019 08:47

My husband asked me to arrange a party with his particular friends invited. Hardly any of them responded to my invitation and those that did can’t come. I hope he’s not as disappointed as you. I’ve worked really hard on this for weeks.

verytiredandstressed · 06/10/2019 08:47

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself.
Yes it you wanted it a certain way your dh and others can't read your mind . I think he went above and beyond . You know what to do next time organise it yourself .

GPatz · 06/10/2019 08:49

47DBML. Just plan a pub meal with his family. He will have to appreciate that.

QueSera · 06/10/2019 08:56

I thought the same as Muted - if your friends knew that your DH was organising your birthday, why didn't they contact him to find out what was happening?

It may not have been exactly as you asked for, but it sounds quite lovely to me - time with just your immediate family, time as a couple, then time with extended family. And lots of lovely gifts - who ever gets exactly what they want, even when we are very specific? People always improvise when they buy gifts.
You can always organise something with your friends yourself - then you can do it exactly as you want.
It sounds like your DH tried really hard to make your birthday special for you.

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