To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

[Dairymilkfordinner]

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

I don't get this thread it all. There is currently another thread running that is very similar - the OP told her DP what she wanted to do for her 40th, thought that was what had been organised, and at the last minute found that he had orgainised something but not what she wanted. On the other thread everyone was with the OP, some even suggesting she leave her DP. I really don't get why the responses are so different on this one.

Anyhow OP, if you were clear about what you wanted with your DH and he decided to overrule you and take the "I know what you want better than you know what you want" approach then you have every right to feel miffed. And he doesn't get to use "hurt feelings" to force you into hiding that.

I'd organise a second event with your friends, and exchange the presents.

I understand the disappointment op. Get planning with your friends!

Arrange an evening out with your friends - job done.

I can understand your disappointment but to dwell on it quite so much is self indulgent. You have a lovely family by the sounds of it, one that cares enough to make a fuss of you.

Why not list what you are grateful for? Or arrange a meet up with your friends? Unless sitting there and feeling sorry for yourself is more your thing?

What a spoilt madam you are op..how crass ,hope this makes it to the daily mail ,so your husband can see how great full you were.

Sorry Dairy but I don't really get this. When it's a big birthday I want it the way I want it, so I organise it myself! Always a big party with family and friends. It really does sound like your DH went to a lot of effort, maybe it wasnt quite how you would've liked but I would've never let it get to the point of it not being what I want.
I would've been saying to my DH (if I'd left him to it)... 'you have contacted Sue and Jan and whoever, haven't you?'

I'm an organiser so find it very difficult to leave it to someone else anyway. I know we're all different but next time just do it yourself... far easier!

I do find it odd that your friends weren't asking you what you were doing for your birthday, or even your DH

Yanbu people are letting envy cloud their judgement.

OP if you’d posted this differently without specifics of what was spent, then you may have more sympathy as people think you should be grateful simply for your dh spending money on you.

Ultimately he didn’t listen to you properly at all.

YANBU

If you weren't asked what you wanted to do or what gifts you would like then maybe BUT you were asked then didn't get what you asked for.

Your DH set the expectations then didn't meet them.
You have every right to feel disappointed.

I also think you're being ungrateful. It sounds like he made a huge effort! I think exchanging presents and/or saying something to him would be really horrible behaviour.

I think you are getting a bit of unfair stick here Dairymilkfordinner - especially when you are describing how you feel on here rather than complain to your DH.

Your husband did really well organising a celebration for you. It’s almost impossible to ask for a surprise AND then get exactly what you really wanted. As for people not buying the right ‘smellies’, unless we know X wears a specific perfume etc, it’s easy to get it wrong. This is the sort of present where our friends are more likely to know what we want than our family.

I’d just arrange a birthday lunch for your friends. And make sure you organise your own 50th. Belated happy birthday!

This is the other thread with a similar issue:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3702620--to-be-gutted-by-my-birthday-surprise

I'd read the answers to that one too OP. I'm not sure why you got such different responses to what is basically the same issue.

You’re getting some rude and unhelpful responses here.

I understand where you’re coming from

• my DH has form for similar - goes to lots of effort, buys expensive presents, and of course I appreciate it and say thank you but I also feel a bit disappointed that it’s not the much simpler and cheaper thing I actually wanted and asked for!

It’s not that you’re spoilt. It’s that the person you love asked what you wanted, and then ignored you.

Instead of giving you what you actually want, he gave you what he thinks you should want.

So you want to see all your family and friends. He thinks you should see your immediate family, and him.

He downgraded the rest of your family to only seeing you the day after and ignored your friends entirely, showing that he doesn’t share your priorities and doesn’t put your wishes first, even on your birthday.

It’s disappointing, of course it is. The fact that other people have worse things going on doesn’t change that.

I think people are being unfair.

It was DH’s 40th recently - he didn’t know what he wanted to do. We are limited due to childcare but I pulled out all the stops and planned something great - it’s probably not something he would have thought of but he had a brilliant time. For his present I spent months arranging something perfect.

But if he’d asked me for specific things I would have done them because that’s what he wanted.

I did a massive surprise party for his 30th and it was a nightmare to plan so I know it’s a lot of work, but I understand why you feel a bit deflated.

This thread is so depressing to read - men really can set the bar wherever they feel like it and if a women doesn’t like it, there’s an issue with her character/attitude/mental health.

My dh tries far too hard and has a bad habit because our birthdays are 6 days apart of trying to outdo whatever I have given him, rather than listening to me. For that reason, I organised my own 40th weekend away with my husband and teens. That way, I wasn't disappointed. I got what I wanted and it was lovely.

Good lord the competitive misery and kvetching on this thread!

OP was asked by her husband how she wanted to celebrate her 40th.

She told him.

He didn't listen (or care? 🤷‍♀️) and did something different meaning her friends were excluded and her birthday wasn't as she had imagined it to be.

Why the fuck should she have to arrange her own birthday in future just because he's been deliberately incompetent and not done what she requested (he asked her what she wanted to do, remember?)

He most probably wouldn't do a half-assed job like that at work, would he!

I would suggest you use the fact that you are now 40 to think about all the great things you have in your life, your lovely husband, family and friends. Whether or not you were disappointed with trivial parts of your birthday is not important really, is it? At some point you will have some real challenges to deal with - and with the benefit of hindsight you will look back at your 40'th and see how emotionally unintelligent you have been about it and actually how lucky you were to be at this significant point in your life with all the main things essential for happiness in place. Think about that. Your husband did his best - let it go.

I honestly don't get the hype around milestone birthdays, surely at 30/40/50 people are perfectly capable of organizing what they want themselves? I've never been disappointed by a present, because a number of years ago I started buying for myself

I know what you mean op. It was your big 40 birthday and it's like he made an effort to ask but then forgot what you said! My DH does that as he half listens. Did you ask him 'where were my friends?'

You're not selfish, ungrateful, spoilt, or any of the other names that the more judgy posters here have said. You are human and are allowed to feel disappointed.

Definitely do something with your friends - it isn't too late.
And ignore the misogynistic mumsnetters who think women should be pathetically grateful to a man who lifts a pinky. They probably have really unsatisfying partners and don't know that they should expect more.

Good lord the competitive misery and kvetching on this thread!

Yes this exactly. Wondering if people are just stupid or missing the obvious.

HE ASKED HER WHAT SHE WANTED FOR HER BIRTHDAY AND WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO.

Does that make it clearer? He asked, and then still somehow got it wrong. That just shows a lack of care, thought and preparation. I doubt he'd do that at work or if it was something for him. If anyone is selfish it's her husband.

YANBU. What's the point in asking someone what they'd like, and then not doing it, and buying something different? Life is nuanced (although AIBU mostly is not) and wishing things were as you'd been led to believe they would be is not a moral failing.

Op I also think that you are entitled to be a bit upset and ignore others trying to make you feel shit because you have friends.

I think the ops is getting a hard time.
What is the point in asking someone what gift they would like for their birthday, them telling you specific things, and you buying something else?
Seriously what is the point?
I doubt if this were a wedding thread people would be calling the he op ungrateful.
We asked for cash for our wedding and what did we receive? 5 toasters, a bale of towels and some picture frames. Posters would be up in arms criticising people for buying the wrong gifts.
Op, I would ask your dh why he told people to buy you x when you clearly wanted y.
What on earth is point in buying someone perfume they don't want when they specifically asked for x, I don't get it.

I think it’s fine to feel a bit let down, he didn’t listen to you. But he obviously cares and did made an effort even if it wasn’t quite robot, so try not to be too harsh about it.

I feel sad for the people on here who are still living with partners who clearly don’t give a shit about them.

8by8
Totally agree.
"Oh you should be grateful your dh did this"
He may have arranged birthday celebrations but he didn't listen to his wife and what she would like. It wasn't difficult.
I'd be pissed off too OP.