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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 06/10/2019 08:56

Organise something with your mates. Me and my friends did a weekend away for our 50th. We were all 50 last year so just picked a weekend .it was fabulous.

waterrat · 06/10/2019 08:56

Im sorry but the fact that some people have lost partners is completely irrelevant.

THe bit that would have upset me is my friends not being involved - that is just weird.

I hate competetiive posts like oh my life is so awful just be grateful . AIBU has people posting about a range of issues, some mild ,some serious - obviously it's far worse to lose a partner than have a shit birthday but then AIBU should just stop exisiting shouldn't it???

I think you should organise your own 40th party with friends it is never too late.

waterrat · 06/10/2019 08:58

One thing I would say OP is this is why if you have specific ideas it's better to do it yourself. I would never trust my partner to organise my friends to get together, that's just so unlikely to happen!

user1493494961 · 06/10/2019 09:00

Sounds like you had a lovely birthday, arrange your own celebration with your friends. I know several people who have had 'big' birthday celebrations way after the event due to the logistics of getting everyone together. First-world problem.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/10/2019 09:01

Honestly sounds like he went above and beyond for your birthday . I think you sound ungrateful

God the bar is set low for men.

He asked what she wanted, she told him lunch with family followed by drinks with friends and he went off and did something completely different.

But he's a man so the woman must be grateful he even remembered.

purpleme12 · 06/10/2019 09:04

It's not about losing partners though is it or whose situation is better. It's about being grateful for what you've got! Nothing is a guarantee. Did he specifically say he was going to do or get everything she asked for? Cos the op does not say that he said ok I will do everything you've asked for and get everything. Cos if I have ideas I certainly wouldn't expect I'd definitely get everything. As I tell my daughter she may or may not get the things she asks for and certainly won't get everything she asks for.

MrsGrindah · 06/10/2019 09:05

I understand OP. You are grateful but just disappointed. You told your DH what you wanted and although he made a huge effort I think he got the wrong end of the stick. My DH has done that before.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/10/2019 09:05

Cos if I have ideas I certainly wouldn't expect I'd definitely get everything

He didn't do any of them.

purpleme12 · 06/10/2019 09:06

Wow I wasn't brought up with this attitude

ibanez0815 · 06/10/2019 09:09

LTB - he obviously doesn't love or care about you. What an awful way to treat you like that on your birthday, esp given the milestone element. I think you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship.

Skinnychip · 06/10/2019 09:09

I had a 40th party 2 weeks before i was 40 because despite booking 6 months ahead none of the venues i liked had the date free. As long as you mark the actual day somehow, i think the day/date for meals and parties is largely irrelevant. A lot of my family have birthdays over the summer hols when people are away so we often have family meals on random days that everyone can make to celebrate x birthday.

However OP i can see its a bit disappointing about not sering your friends. Could you not create a group whatsapp and ask what w/e people are free to celebrate your 40th?

TroysMammy · 06/10/2019 09:15

You do realise you are 40 for a whole year and not for just one day? Nothing stopping you dragging out the celebrations at all.

cccameron · 06/10/2019 09:15

Really TheStuffedPenguin. You're happy when you're not listened to and your wished completely disregarded. More fool you.

cccameron · 06/10/2019 09:16

*wishes

TheCatInAHat · 06/10/2019 09:17

I think it sounds like you had such specific ideas on what you wanted that you should have organised it yourself.
He did organise a series of nice ‘surprises’ in that it wasn’t exactly what you were expecting. If you wanted things to be a specific way with specific people included it was never going to actually be a surprise for you.

cccameron · 06/10/2019 09:21

just when you think you have read the doziest comment ever the doziest comment TheStuffedPenguin is saying sounds like OPs DH did a great job when he didn't do anything she asked for when HE had asked her what she wanted. Are you the DH Grin

Conniedescending · 06/10/2019 09:23

Wow - so you had lunch with your immediate family, a night in a hotel and another lunch with extended family and some nice presents?

The above sounds really lovely and special to me - what's bratty diva you sound

Spied · 06/10/2019 09:23

God, you sound hard work.
You knew exactly what you wanted so should have organised it yourself and bought your own gifts in the correct fragrances etc.
You sound a delight!
I wonder if friends were really so keen to travel to your celebration anyway?
If it was my friend I'd have been in contact with her dp asking about coming to see her.

TitianaTitsling · 06/10/2019 09:23

Jeez people are questioning the man's character now ! This!!! Bloody hell, some posters are writing like the friends not being invited is tantamount to some form of controlling behaviour!

Starlight2004 · 06/10/2019 09:32

The gifts thing wouldn't bother me but I would want to celebrate with my friends. I would do what others have suggested and arrange a weekend away with them.

Actionhasmagic · 06/10/2019 09:33

If I wanted a 40th party I would have just organised it myself!

GirlOnIt · 06/10/2019 09:37

I get the disappointment Op, although nice it wasn’t what you wanted. But I also think you were expecting a lot from your Dh. I’d expect him to organise stuff from him/kids and be involved in organising something with family. But I’d expect to organise something with my friends myself really.
My mum went away for a weekend with friends (and some family, I went) her Dp didn’t organise any of that though me and her best friend did, we just checked dates with him to make sure we didn’t clash.

Gifts wise, depends what it is. Did he get something he thought would mark the occasion, jewellery or something? If you really don’t like or don’t use it, I’d say something nicely and see if you can exchange. If not I’d leave it and buy myself what I originally wanted or put it on my Xmas list (with a photo so he’s not confused).

I’d be slightly annoyed at my friends for not asking Dh what he had planned and realising they weren’t involved, not planning something their selfs.

WidowTwonky · 06/10/2019 09:42

Maybe DH asked for present ideas? That’s a fairly common question- it doesn’t mean that’s what they’re going to buy. It’s a suggestion.

Nobody here knows what was said but we do know he went to a great deal of effort.

I think YABU

GirlOnIt · 06/10/2019 09:44

Also in your first post you say you told him, you'd like 'something like' family meal/celebration with friends. If I were organising I'd take 'something like' to mean I got to choose the specifics. When all your friends were asking you, did not one think to ask your Dh? Did you not say to them "oh Dh is organising something". I find that odd and makes me think your Dh and friends don't know each other well or it would surely have come up.

Botherfreedays · 06/10/2019 09:47

Blimey. I think the most self indulgent bit, and there's a lot to choose from, op was when you said you were concerned that your family were disappointed not to have lunch with you on your actual birthday. Do you honestly think they don't have anything else to worry about than seeing you the day after?? You sound awfully self-centred. And your birthday celebrations sounded lovely.