To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

[Dairymilkfordinner]

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

Are you honestly 40? Because I can’t ever imagine turning 40, having my husband make loads of effort and then being so ungrateful. If you want to hang out with your girls, just call them and say, “Hey Sam, Rach and Manda! Want to hang out X weekend to celebrate my 40th?!”

Have I to say I really think your friends are in the wrong here even if I wasn’t invited to a formal meal I would still visit my friends on their big brithdays even if I just quickly dropped by with some flowers.

Happy birthday anyway, @Dairymilkfordinner :)

Definitely get on to the perfume thing, I wouldn't like it if I got the wrong one.

You can arrange with your friends something soon.

When I was 40, I decided to stretch it over the whole month!

I had several get togethers for different pockets of friends and family, much better idea. In fact I still do this now 5 years later, DH is very about it but I don't care.

Over the years I've lowered my expectations of presents and in all honesty anything I get is a bonus. My mum has been through it this year and I know all I'll get from her is a card but that's fine, I'd just rather have her here than any present. DH always gets the slightly 'wrong' thing I used to get irritated but I just go with the flow and plan another mini celebration instead

It’s not a competitive misery thread. The OP asked for something very specific for her birthday and didn’t get it. It’s perfectly normal and natural to feel disappointed. I’d just make a mental note to organize your own birthdays from now on. Whatever his reasons were, your husband obviously didn’t listen to you.

Yep, organise it yourself in the future. It sounds like he made a really good effort, but it was not good enough for you. So just do it yourself, then you won’t be disappointed.

Have you thought that maybe he tried to get your friends involved but they weren’t interested or were difficult to plan with?

The only way to make sure you get the celebration you want is to plan it yourself.

You shouldn't have relied on him to do this

Ok, some PPs, I know there are far, far worse things in the world. And I'm truly sorry for those of you who have no effort made on your behalf or, the worst, have lost someone you love.

All I'm saying is , if I made a big thing of asking you what you'd like for dinner, for example, and said you I would cook anything you wanted, absolutely anything at all and you said you'd love some pasta, you don't care what type, how or where it's served, you would just love some pasta and then I served you a pie - wouldn't you feel a little disappointed??? It's like that. That's all. Not a disaster, not the end of the world, just a bit disappointing.

Your DH, OP, has tried but failed if you gave him specific hints and instructions and he did the opposite, and will feel miserable if you diss his efforts because he clearly put some graft in for your birthday.

The best thing is to take back the presents (or regift them to others for Christmas) and organise a do with your friends. In future do not allow surprises and take control of your own celebrations so you will not have to feel hurt and disappointed. Others who have lost their DH’s have reminded us all what true, objective misery is.

My DH has great good intentions but, in the past when we were better off, has does things like book fancy restaurants and then spent hundreds of pounds on bottles of wine which I did not want and would rather have had spent on my present. I have specifically banned this for an upcoming birthday where my family have insisted on eating out.

Retired, we have to live very frugally now and I get no treats whatsoever except for Mother’s Day and my birthday so I make sure that they are not disappointing by speaking up. It means there are no surprises but then surprises can be bad ones!

I prefer to be able to feel grateful and happy towards my nearest and dearest, and if it involves saying exactly what I want so be it.

*You sound like a spoilt brat"
That's exactly what I thought reading your post.
Honestly if you had such a specific idea about party etc you should have organized it yourself, or made your idea clearer to your DH.

I agree, Teacher. This is the only time I've ever had a surprise - I am definitely normally the one who organises the surprises in our family - and I've learnt that I should just organise things myself in future. I don't mean that in an arsey way, it's just the best way of getting what you really want.

they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not!

This to me is so weird. Why didn't you say "It'll be lovely to see you and I'd like to have a party, so I'll let you know"? Rather than being so passive?

Why don't you arrange a day/night/weekend with your friends if that is what you want

What's stopping you doing it now ?

I think it’s very unfair that some of the replies are calling you ungrateful, spoilt and selfish. Why should ur situation be minimised because their lives/partners/birthday celebrations were shitter?!

Ur entitled to feel disappointment and frustration especially as you had been specific about what you wanted and that wasn’t taken into consideration at all. I would suggest that you have a good open and honest chat with your husband and see what you can salvage from this to try rescue the situation before the moment fully passes.

My 40th is coming up in a couple of months. My immediate family don’t celebrate birthdays for religious reasons (parents/siblings) and I’m not especially close to my extended family so I’ve decided against a party. Besides I’m pregnant so that also affects plans! Some of my best friends are also 40th around the same time so we are making plans to have a girlie weekend away together.

All the best.

I think your dh 'listened' to what you wanted for your 40th with half an ear, OP, and then got in a right old muddle with the presents,

Next time you want him to organise some event or other or buy presents,, put it in writing, be as specific as possible preferably with bullet points, and hand it to him.

Fwiw, I'd feel as deflated as you do. 40 is a significant milestone and should be celebrated in style with family and friends, although maybe on separate days.

Gosh some people 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry - it all sounds like such hard work - ie pleasing you. Get over it - quickly - and have a party with all your friends on your 41st birthday.

I never get the fuss over 'big' birthdays.

On my 40th DH didn’t even get me a card. He said we’d go to the shop so he could buy me something nice ie clothes. Nothing fitted and I ended up with nothing. A single bottle of perfume or a bunch of flowered would have been nice.

If you can't get your friends together because they're all over the country how on earth is he supposed to?

I'm sure your family weren't THAT upset that they didn't see you on your birthday

He's done a really nice thing. Stop being a brat.

I think it's fine to be a bit disappointed, OP. You didn't get to see any of your friends for your 40th birthday. It's pretty normal to want to see them on a big occasion.

Are your friends turning 40 too? Maybe you could all have one big party since it won't be straightforward to all get together multiple times?

I honestly think your dh meant well, he probably asked you just to get a feel for what you want then put his own touch on it. This is normal, especially when planning a surprise!

Also, and I genuinely mean this kindly as I think you have had an unfairly hard time on this thread, but I promise your family won't mind that they didn't have lunch on your actual birthday!

You sound very ungrateful. He arranged lovely events and thoughtful ones and you got lovely gifts. You can arrange to see friends at any time and don’t be so grabby.

My friend last year spent her birthday in hospital with partial paralysis and even then her sister forgot her birthday entirely and didn’t even get her a card.

Don’t be so spoilt and think about all that went well. Goodness.

You sound ungrateful and demanding.

I am constantly amazed at how little women expect and receive from their husbands. I agree op that asking and then not delivering is a disappointment but apparently you should just be grateful if you get a card. Men are quite capable of arranging stag nights, weekends away with friends etc so doing something for their partner's birthday is not miraculous. Stop treating it as if it is!

Op, have a belated get together with friends, events rarely happen on the actual day or even the week.