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Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
Vivianebrookskoviak · 07/10/2019 19:30

I totally get you,OP. You feel let down especially as he was given instructions to the letter and didn't follow them and neither did anyone else,present wise.

I don't understand why he'd do something excluding your friends?

Any time I hear things like this I think it's what he wanted to do and not what you wanted but the presents were a major fudge up.

Exchange the gifts. Plan a get together with your friends.

I don't get the people saying she should be grateful and calling her spoilt and high maintenance( not including the widowed PP,that's totally different) but I'm guessing some people have different standards.

Wafflecopter · 07/10/2019 19:56

DH was on a Dadsnet FB group last night when he read a post about a man forgetting his wife’s birthday, about 20 other men also admitted they didn’t know when their partner’s birthday was, he was horrified! As was I.
To those who say they don’t even get a card on their birthday, maybe set the bar a bit higher, because that is pathetic.

OP YANBU to be upset that you were asked what you wanted and he didn’t listen well enough or thought he knew better what you’d like. I’m sure if he hadn’t have tried to organise anything you would have done it yourself, but you obviously wouldn’t if someone said they were doing it for you.

Also for those saying ‘at least you have someone, be grateful’
Yes, it’s very sad that you’ve lost a loved one, but it’s not really the point.
She’s allowed to be disappointed, I bet you didn’t spend second of every day you had with your loved one happy with them, no matter how much you wish now you had done. That’s not real life.

justasking111 · 07/10/2019 20:09

My OH can be relied on to organise family, but never friends. Luckily my friends organised something separately and OH just had to chauffeur me there.

RoyEastmannKodak · 07/10/2019 20:11

Ungrateful and selfish, yes you’re right. I’m sure there a lot of Mners who would give their eye teeth to have a DH as thoughtful as yours... not to mention the fact that you obviously have enough disposable household income to be treated in this way.

You didn’t really want a “surprise” at all did you... because you wanted everything as you envisioned it... which shouldn’t have BEEN a surprise.

People aren’t psychic Hmm

bringbacksideburns · 07/10/2019 20:21

Yes you are being spoilt. You sound hard work. If i got a surprise night in a hotel I'd be very pleased, not to mention everything else that was organized. Because he didn't ring round all your friends too it's not good enough.

Pick up the phone as a grown woman and invite all your friends to a belated celebration.

You've not been treated unfairly on this thread at all. You are being childish and silly. You got the right brand but wrong perfume! What a bastard!!

Hmm
MyHeartIsInCornwall · 07/10/2019 20:22

I haven’t read the whole thread and this has probably already been said but I’ll say it anyway.

To me, my birthday isn’t that big a deal. But one of my closest friends absolutely loves her birthday and spreads it out over a week. For her 40th it was a month. So whilst I would have been more than happy with the choices your DH made, I know my friend wouldn’t have been. When it’s put into context, yes you are disappointed as your special day wasn’t really what you had asked for. However, it’s one of those ‘have a weep about it and move on’ kind of moments. Unless you’re going to exchange gifts or say something, then it’s a chalk it up to experience birthday. I think your DH did his best. Some people just aren’t very good at the details 😬

I’d definitely organise something with your friends or ask one of them to organise a night out or away or something?

Hope you’re feeling a bit better about it all now OP Flowers Cake Wine

Stoic123 · 07/10/2019 20:30

YANBU - of course you’ll feel disappointed about not being listened to. You also clearly recognise that you were ‘spoilt’ ...but just not in the way you were hoping for (as you’d been specifically asked).

Lesson learned for future birthdays- now organise a good night out with your friends!!

Ignore the ‘selfish’/ ‘ungrateful’ name-calling - it’s good that you have high expectations and sorry that they were not met this time. Give DH a big hug for all the other things he gets right.

Divebar · 07/10/2019 20:38

One thing I know from MN is that it’s apparently childish to want to celebrate your birthday beyond 18 and anyone who expects more than a card is being spoilt and “grabby” - MNs favourite word along with grim. I think this is just a way of rationalising the fact that some partners are crap. Well thankfully I don’t occupy this world and very much look forward to my big 5.0 next year. Of the people I know who have already had theirs one husband took his wife to Verona for the week, one person organised a party in the back garden with a marquee and got their local pub to cater it and one husband arranged a party on a river boat down the Thames. All those men were able to arrange all that like the capable human beings that they are. And it’s sad if you’re alone and don’t have anyone or you don’t have money for treats but it wasn’t about the money. The OP would have probably preferred to have all her friends and family to eat fish n chips or a Chinese takeaway and it’s fine to feel disappointed about that.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 07/10/2019 20:39

My husband did sweet FA for my 40th so tbh I’d be pleased he made the effort however off kilter it was!

cccameron · 07/10/2019 20:44

I’m sure there a lot of Mners who would give their eye teeth to have a DH as thoughtful as yours

I hardly think so. Only if theyre already unfortunate enough to be saddled with a deadbeat. Why on earth would anyone want a DP that didn't listen to you? Most loving partners want to make their DP happy on their birthday. Especially a big one like a 40th.

People aren’t psychic hmm

He didn't need to be bloody psychic. That's the whole point. He asked her, so he knew what she wanted then did the opposite.

RoyEastmannKodak · 07/10/2019 20:48

@Divebar I disagree. I suspect the OP would have been very very disappointed with fish and chips or a Chinese even if all the family and friends HAD been invited. Money notwithstanding she had very specific expectations and I feel it would have been very hard for any husband to meet those and still create a surprise element

cccameron · 07/10/2019 20:55

Lunch with family and drinks with friends is hardly 'very specific expectations' for a birthday. Pretty much the standard for most people's birthdays!!

Scotland32 · 07/10/2019 21:23

My brother asks me every bday and Christmas what pressie I would like and ignores what I say every single time! I find it a bit funny now!
As for the party, really sorry you were disappointed but my motto has always been “if you want something doing properly, do it yourself” - unless you aren’t bothered by the detail! Which you obviously are.
Why not have a 41st party?!

Frolie · 07/10/2019 21:37

You sound very very spoilt. Get real! Appreciate what you’ve got, what you’ve been given and the effort your husband and family have made for you.

Popsielady · 07/10/2019 21:59

This is the problem with “surprise “ celebrations that you’re not party to, you can never guarantee you’ll get exactly what you want ( even when you have given quite a clear “brief” from the sounds of it). The only way not to put it to chance is to organise your own celebration so you can get all the details right, as you said. You’re not the only one, I went to another “surprise “ 40th Party for a local mum And even though it was lovely, the husband had organised what he wanted/thought and not necessarily what she had envisaged. But now why not use this as an opportunity to organise what you want to do with Your friends as you definitely need to mark the occasion with them as they weren’t included in your original birthday activities.

Happymum12345 · 07/10/2019 22:07

Always arrange it yourself, if you want things to go according to plan. That’s the only way you won’t be disappointed.

RoyEastmannKodak · 07/10/2019 22:40

@cccameron well it was specific enough to be a problem when it wasn't specifically what she got?!

caringcarer · 07/10/2019 22:51

Maybe he left it too late to organise a party with friends. YOu got most of what you wanted though.

Brixtongal · 07/10/2019 22:54

God is this all you have to think about? Be grateful and remind yourself how fortunate you are to have a husband who made the effort. I'm thinking of the woman who was stood up by most of her friends for her birthday celebration on a thread a couple of days ago. Read that story and get a grip.

Paintedmaypole · 07/10/2019 23:15

Couldn't you organise your own meet up with your friends? Why did you expect your DH to do it for you? You can still arrange something if you want to.

Bellasblankexpression · 07/10/2019 23:19

I don’t know why you didn’t organise something with your friends yourself? Even for a big birthday I wouldn’t expect DH to organise every element of it - and it sounded like he went to a lot of effort.

The presents thing is a shame but you do sound spoilt OP. Asking if your family were disappointed not to spend the day with you - you’re a grown up, I’m sure they were fine and just happy to be involved!

I think you need a bit of perspective tbh. And no reason why you can’t have a belated get together with your friends that you organise.

Wavyheaded · 08/10/2019 00:15

If you can't get your friends together because they're all over the country how on earth is he supposed to?

I'm sure your family weren't THAT upset that they didn't see you on your birthday hmm

He's done a really nice thing. Stop being a brat.

Took the words out of my mouth.

MrsP2018 · 08/10/2019 00:18

from just reading your original post and nothing further you sound exactly like me ha!! it is so nice he did arrange something and I get that, but...you had said what you would like for the actual event and didnt get it. if you dont normally celebrate birthdays and this one is a "special one" (dont mean to sound funny at all) then it's good you said!!! I'd be fuming but then again my husband tells me all time I have only child syndrome and I'm selfish so how can I comment fairly!!! yanbu I'm in your camp on this

MrsP2018 · 08/10/2019 00:22

but then again me and husband are in process of slowly splitting so whatever he did or said at moment it wouldn't be good enough....waits for backlash it's not a bad thing to expect what you have asked for, doesn't mean you will get it but if you state what you want then at least you have chance in getting it!

Goatinthegarden · 08/10/2019 06:12

I don’t see it as a misery competition, but more a bit of a head wobble for the OP. You had a lovely weekend, surrounded by people who love you...but you felt deflated. Life is more enjoyable when you appreciate what you do have.

Your DH wasn’t neglectful or useless or mean, he planned a whole birthday weekend for you, he just didn’t get your specifics exactly right.

Why not be pleased that you had a lovely weekend and then organise whatever other celebrations you feel you still need.

Personally, I would feel somewhat embarrassed by all my far flung friends dropping everything in their lives just to come and look at me on my birthday, but each to their own.