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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 06/10/2019 07:39

Jesus wept. Just when you think you’ve read it all on here.......
Get over yourself!! You’re 40, not 4!!

Paddingtonthebear · 06/10/2019 07:39

*quite right, not robot!

emilybrontescorsett · 06/10/2019 07:41

Also of course the ops friends aren't going to organise a 40th party for her when they have been told her dh had it all under control. They probably thought he was wisking her away for a romantic weekend!

belle40 · 06/10/2019 07:43

Wow. I think he went to a huge effort. I think you should just be grateful. Why don't you organise a night out with your friends if you are concerned about them missing out. As for the gifts...I'm a bit speechless tbh.

Roussette · 06/10/2019 07:45

And ignore the misogynistic mumsnetters who think women should be pathetically grateful to a man who lifts a pinky. They probably have really unsatisfying partners and don't know that they should expect more

Nah. My DH is brilliant at lots and lots of things. Stuff I'm hopeless at. But he is not good at organising surprise parties or surprise presents, mind reading what I might like. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I let him get on with the stuff he is ace at. And I do the stuff I'm good at.

For my 60th he really was worried what to get me. I said... shall I get what I want and you pay me? Yes yes yes he says, I want you to have exactly what you want. I buy a beautiful dainty diamond ring from an antique shop, slap it down on his desk, he puts the money in my account and wraps it up. He's happy I'm happy. Not sure how that makes me 'a misogynistic mumsnetter'.

covetingthepreciousthings · 06/10/2019 07:45

You say your friends live all over the country, are you sure that your DH didn't invite them but they just couldn't make it? Could be a plausible reason here. I'd just ask him.

I'd assume if your friends could have made it to see you, they'd have arranged to.

I think it's ok to be a bit disappointed, but I'd probably get more information first, before blaming dh.

worldsworststepfordwife · 06/10/2019 07:48

It’s shit mixing family and friends socially he did the best thing as now you can organise a mates gathering ASAP exactly how you want it and in the meantime exchange your gifts

mum11970 · 06/10/2019 07:48

You do sound like a spoilt brat. Just because some of your friends asked what you were doing doesn’t actually mean they were available or wanted to be part of your celebrations. Everyone I know from school is having a milestone birthday this year and I ask what they were doing when I see them round their birthdays, that doesn’t mean I expect an invite to any celebration they have.

Iggly · 06/10/2019 07:49

He asked, and then still somehow got it wrong. That just shows a lack of care, thought and preparation

^this

Or, worse, he got what he thought she should have had as opposed to what she wanted.

Maybe he doesn’t like your friends or the idea of you getting together with them? Or maybe, being charitable, he found that daunting. Either way, I think he missed the mark.

It’s like someone should be grateful because you asked, very clearly, for a Ford Fiesta and he got you a VW golf.

People then derail by saying “but but he got you a car”.

Irrelevant.

GPatz · 06/10/2019 07:50

You obviously don't sound 4 OP. Some people are so dramatic.

It's been fun reading everyone's Top Trump misery - still, if they just accept their lot in life, can really see how they can moan about it. If your DH doesn't even get you a card for your 40th, then you have problems.

I also dont see how you cold have clarified further what you wanted for your 40th. It's pretty clear from your OP what you wanted and unless people are saying that you needed to spell it out to him because he's a man, then I don't know what else you could have done really.

You don't sound like a spolit brat - you sound disappointed. You were asked what you wanted to do, which gave an expectation, which didn't materialise. It's perfect reasonable to feel that.

Gingerkittykat · 06/10/2019 07:51

YABU.

I really can't believe your post. You have a husband and extended family who all made an effort to be there for your big day and buy you gifts and you fucking moan about it not being perfect.

emilybrontescorsett · 06/10/2019 07:53

Rousette and that works fine for you.
Imagine though if your dh had said xy and z all want to know what you would like as a present. You then said I would love the ring I have seen in the jewellers. It's this exact one in this size it cost x amount. You show him a picture with the code. He makes a note of the exact ring. Yes that's what I will tell them.
On your birthday you excitedly open your present, to find he has told them to buy a gawdy necklace , a thing you do not like and definately not what you asked for. What is the point?

dottiedodah · 06/10/2019 07:54

I dont think you were being unreasonable here TBH!.DH asked what you wanted you told him and he didnt do it. I appreciate there are some people with little family/friends ,but thats not the point ! I honestly think men are hopeless with this kind of thing!Just arrange a get together with as many chums as you can for Supper out ,W/E away whatever .Its never "too late" !.My friend gets her own Birthday Gift and wraps it up ,then DH gives it to her ! makes me laugh but at least shes not disappointed !

Octonaught · 06/10/2019 07:54

You are so spoilt.
Your presents were the right brand, but the wrong fragrance.Confused
Hope no one in your RL reads this, because if I knew you, I’d be ignoring the rest of your birthdays. Forever.

emilybrontescorsett · 06/10/2019 07:56

I'm also wondering how men like this function in the work place. Can they actually do what they have been asked or do they do as they please.

Roussette · 06/10/2019 07:58

emily I get that but in this situation with the OP, it wasn't quite like that is it? No one would deliberately get something totally different than the picture with the code, and the OP's DH didn't bugger it up like that. We have no idea of what the really expensive gift the OP's DH bought her or how far she stipulated what she wanted.

BillHadersNewWife · 06/10/2019 07:59

God. You DO sound like a spoiled brat OP. Can't believe your moaning about "wrong fragrance" get yourself together and be grateful for what sounds lovely.

schnubbins · 06/10/2019 07:59

You dont know how lucky you are.

AuntieMarys · 06/10/2019 08:00

Great point emilybronte
Clearly women should be grateful for anything even.if it is totally not what they requested.

minesagin37 · 06/10/2019 08:02

@Octonaught but your not her friend are you? You are clearly happy to accept less but others aren't. Let's not all sink to the lowest common denominator!

GPatz · 06/10/2019 08:05

'Clearly women should be grateful for anything even.if it is totally not what they requested'.

This is true. So why are some people are complaining about being given only a card?
So spoilt.

cccameron · 06/10/2019 08:07

I think it’s very unfair that some of the replies are calling you ungrateful, spoilt and selfish. Why should ur situation be minimised because their lives/partners/birthday celebrations were shitter
Exactly this. The competitive misery is pathetic. Why should the OP be happy with her DH not listening to her just because other people are stuck with men that don't give a flying fuck about them

You are so spoilt.Your presents were the right brand, but the wrong fragrance.confused

Surely you're not stupid enough to think all fragrances from the same brand smell the same? She was asked what she would like and was given something different. The fact that it's the same brand makes it even more galling that he couldn't be bothered picking up the right one!

OP you are not being U at all. In the real world people get made a real fuss of on landmark birthdays and to ask you what you wanted then do the opposite is actually quite upsetting. Probably would have left him in his hotel room and called my friends! Sounds like he did what HE wanted and not you!

saltysally · 06/10/2019 08:08

Good saying for you that expectations are planned disappointments

Loveislandaddict · 06/10/2019 08:10

It may have not be what your envisaged, but it sounds like your husband went to a lot of trouble over your birthday. Ie. Night away and then family meal. He got most of the details correct, just one or two things wrong.

Maybe he thought it would be too difficult or left it too late to organise friends spread across the country. He got the brand right but not the scent. Maybe he brought gifts he wanted to buy and give to you, and he thought you would like.

cccameron · 06/10/2019 08:14

To ask someone what they want for a birthday, let them get excited and look forward to it then present them with the opposite is actually very cruel. He got every single aspect of what she wanted wrong. So why ask her? Unless he is incredibly stupid it must have been deliberate. It's like me telling dd I'd got her the lol dolls house for Xmas, her being all excited then presenting her with a kindle. Then have her sat all day telling her she should be grateful because some kids get kept in a dark cellar being fed scraps of bread and don't get ANY presents.
And yes I know the OP isn't a child but it's the same feeling of disappointment you are really looking forward to something and it turns to shit