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Original poster

I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

336 replies

gipser · 05/10/2019 16:16

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

OP posts:
walkintheparc · 05/10/2019 16:25

This thread is really just going to make you feel much worse, I don't think will help. You have two clear options, you and DH need to go through it together and decide what is best for your family. Both options will be ok, it's a bit shit, but not the end of the world.

vintagesewingmachine · 05/10/2019 16:28

Get off the internet and go and talk to your husband.

LoreleiRock · 05/10/2019 16:28

I think in your position I would have a termination. Your marriage may be irreparably damaged if you go ahead as it is such an awful thing to do to your husband.

mnthrowaway2099 · 05/10/2019 16:34

No one here can give you any real advice.

I think you have broken your husband’s trust regardless of what happens next. Whether you can recover from that, I don’t know.

I think coming off of the pill like that was manipulative. Don’t get me wrong, contraception isn’t just a woman’s responsibility, but you were actively misleading him into believing that you were taking it. You should have spoken to him and given him the option to put a condom on or refrain from intercourse if he didn’t want to risk a pregnancy.

ErickBroch · 05/10/2019 16:35

Get a bloody job and work as much as you can for this pregnancy and SAVE IT UP to help you get through.

MmmBlowholes · 05/10/2019 16:35

Wow. This isn't a moment of madness, this is totally calculated. You say you feel guilty now but do you really? Or are you practicing what you're going to say to your husband? If I were you I'd be having a termination.

mnthrowaway2099 · 05/10/2019 16:38

Also you say ‘there was a period’ that you stopped taking it, did you resume taking it?

FauxFox · 05/10/2019 16:39

It wasn’t a good idea to come off the pill secretly but you know that and what’s done is done.

Why don’t you work? Can you get an evening/night job that fits around your husbands hours so you can earn without childcare costs? You need to talk to your husband and work as a team to improve your finances to afford this baby.

Good luck Flowers

LucyAutumn · 05/10/2019 16:42

This is vile. You are going to have step it up and earn some money, quickly.

Teddybear45 · 05/10/2019 16:45

In your situation I probably wouldn’t tell him you came off the pill deliberately. Say it was an accident and see how it goes.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 05/10/2019 16:45

Omg. I agree that this thread is going to make you feel worse. I’d ask for it to be removed before everyone sets in, and go and speak to your husband.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 05/10/2019 16:46

Also agree you should get a job ASAP in the meantime - maybe find the job before telling your husband to soften the blow.

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 16:49

Tbf after doing something this calculated and absolutely disregarding others in your family, you do deserve what's coming here...

What you don't deserve anymore is your husband's trust...

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/10/2019 16:49

Talk to your husband.
In terms of costs, your DS will nearly be in primary school by the time baby is born. And, assuming you still have a lot of his baby stuff, babies need not be expensive in the early years if you intend to remain a SAHM.
However, it will have a physical and emotional toll on you and your relationship with your DH especially as he wanted to wait.
I don't see the point of terminating as you and your DH were planning to have a baby in the next two years anyway.
Are you entitled to financial help (UC, for instance)?

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 16:49

This thread really won't do your mental health any good OP.

If you do talk to your husband please don't call it a "moment of madness" because that's really minimising it - it was four weeks of making a decision that each day you couldn't take back.

What's done is done but as most of us have said I fear writing this thread is the last thing you should be doing right now.

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 16:49

He deserves a complete truth so he doesn't find himself in a same situation in few years again.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 16:51

In your situation I probably wouldn’t tell him you came off the pill deliberately. Say it was an accident and see how it goes.

More lies? Hmm

OP you need to tell your husband so he can know the sort of person he's married to and decide whether he wants to remain married.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/10/2019 16:53

*sorry, misread. You weren't intending to have DC2 until DC1 was a few years into primary. However, plans change (deliberately or not).

CaMePlaitPas · 05/10/2019 16:54

Oh this isn't great OP. Not sure what kind of advice you're looking for.

What I will say though is please do not flush medication down sinks and toilets again - there is enough oestrogen in the water supply as it is.

Aridane · 05/10/2019 16:54

I would probably just get a termination and not even tell DP - construct some covering fiction

WhimToo · 05/10/2019 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/10/2019 16:57

Hi OP

If finances is the only thing holding you back then you can get a job now, you might have to do evenings or weekends or make use of the 30 free hours. At least then youd get a bit of maternity pay? You might have to commit to going back when the baby is quite young thoigh. Are you going to be honest with your husband? This is a situation where you could lie but if you're a bad liar it could make everything worse. I'd be suspicious of someone who said they wanted a baby then 'accidentally' fell pregnant. Is there any reason why you weren't working?

6demandingchildren · 05/10/2019 16:58

you poor thing, Hormones are horrible little things really.
My advice would be to either talk to your husband or a close friend, you can tell them as much as you are comfortable with.
but please dont make any descisions before telling your husband about the positive test as im sure you are aware people can change their minds often and without reason.

Wildorchidz · 05/10/2019 17:01

Get a job ASAP

INeedAFlerken · 05/10/2019 17:02

Um... this is why 'skipping' pills or taking them erratically is considered so risky ... pregnancy risk is quite high.

But you knew that.

Get off this thread, get it removed and talk to your DH about what you have done. You may have fucked your marriage as the trust will be gone. You need to be open and honest and sincerely remorseful and possibly open to agreeing to terminate the pregnancy.

Good luck.