Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

336 replies

gipser · 05/10/2019 16:16

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 05/10/2019 18:33

Op your behaviour was appalling. But you know that.

What was your job before having ds? Is it something you can go back to now and will earn enough? You will not be able to take a lot of maternity leave this time as you wont quality for good mat pay. Your dh might though if he has been with his company a while.

Talk to him. Then find a job.

Mydogmylife · 05/10/2019 18:34

@Leflic
Op 'hormones ' do not trump her husbands though! He had agreed to a second child, just not right now. It's the deliberate deceit ( a whole month pretending to take the pill) that's the deal breaker for me
@WorraLiberty- totally agree!

BlueJava · 05/10/2019 18:35

Bearing in mind everything you've said I think I'd seriously consider having a termination. I am not sure I'd tell him it was deliberate if I did this (I know more lies so a difficult decision too). I think if you tell him he'll have real trust issues with you. Sorry OP, I can see it's tough with your feelings regarding a child but you absolutely have to consider your partner, your DS and the financial situation.

timshelthechoice · 05/10/2019 18:35

She doesn't want to work so all this guff about get a job will roll right off her, she just gave herself a 5 year extension.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/10/2019 18:39

You sound like someone who just doesn’t want to get a job. What with that and the deceit I do agree you should feel pretty ashamed.

Vehivle · 05/10/2019 18:40

Haven't RTFT but echo other posters saying get a job quick! Your first child is eligible for 30 free hours if you're both working and whilst you wont qualify for statutory maternity pay - but you'll qualify for maternity allowance. It is something! I got a job at 11 weeks pregnant and so didnt get statutory but got maternity allowance which really helped keep us just above water. Without it - we'd have had to really cut back on food and heating... but thankfully we just about made it. Then I went back to work when the maternity allowance ended. You can do the same.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/10/2019 18:41

@SherbetSaucer
this is about as low as it gets! You’re literally disgusting!!! Your poor DH!!! I hope he finds out what a sub-human you are and leaves you immediately.

Tad dramatic, don't you think?!

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 18:43

@Sagradafamiliar
A man sticking holes in a condom is not comparable, I don't know why it keeps coming up.

In what way is the deceit of of a woman deliberately sabotaging her contraception and lying to her partner unlike a man doing the same?

TheCatsACunt · 05/10/2019 18:44

What was your husband doing to prevent he was dead set against?

Oh you know, just trusting his wife. He won’t do that again.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/10/2019 18:46

I find but worrying that you ask, vet. A pregnancy takes the toll on the woman's body and health, for one thing.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 05/10/2019 18:46

Firstky, congratulations on your pregnancy. The child is wanted (by you) so I wouldn’t have a termination. Tell your husband though I wouldn’t tell him about deliberately sabotaging things. He will probably be suspicious but telling the truth will likely lead to a marriage breakdown.

As for costs, I don’t know your financial situation but babies aren’t that expensive. Plus you could find a job, part time which would help.

peachypetite · 05/10/2019 18:47

Can’t believe people are blaming the husband. If taken properly the pill is very effective and most husbands and wives trust each other!

Roozy123 · 05/10/2019 18:47

@AgeLikeWine

Your poor husband sad. You have completely betrayed his trust. Blaming hormones is a cop-out and a way of avoiding accepting responsibility for your actions and your deception.

I’m so glad I’m not married to someone as dishonest and underhand as you, OP.

This^

Also people stating that "well, if your husband didn't want a baby he should have used a condom aswell as OP being on the pill" ...... what!?
He trusted her...

I'm sure most that husband's use condoms don't also go on the pill ... just incase their husbands sticks a pin through a condom! 🙄

Get off mn and go tell your husband the truth. . Then start applying for a job.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 05/10/2019 18:50

Such a difficult situation. I hope it works out.

onanothertrain · 05/10/2019 18:52

sagrada a man sticking a pin in a condom is exactly the same.

NotGreenNotKeen · 05/10/2019 18:52

Even if you took the pill there's always a chance pregnancy can happen... Look it up...

KarmaStar · 05/10/2019 18:52

Hi op

I'd say be honest with yourself and your dh.don't make excuses for yourself to him.
Expect him to be angry,frustrated,disillusioned,disappointed and hurt.
If you want you marriage to work you must accept he will feel varying emotions.You need to apologise and talk through with him your options,be open and willing to obtain employment,to give him time to think things through.He might need space.
You need to decide if he doesn't want the baby are you going to go ahead as a single parent?
When he/you both have agreed a way forward,together or otherwise,don't feel bitter,this was your decision,nobody else's.
The dc is/are the important one/s here and his/their welfare should come first.
I hope it works out well for you all.good luck.

Walkaround · 05/10/2019 18:55

Sagradafamiliar - a manipulative liar is a manipulative liar, whatever their sex.

MrsNotNice · 05/10/2019 18:56

I have no advice but I totally sympathize OP. I don’t think you’re a horrible selfish cow. I think it’s understandable..

MmmBlowholes · 05/10/2019 18:56

Some dude recently got done for rape for lying about a vasectomy - I'm not saying this is rape but it's definitely ethically and morally dubious.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/10/2019 18:57

No. No, intentionally impregnating a woman is not the same. Ye gods.

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 18:57

Why are people talking about "Well, there is always a chance to get pregnant on a pill anyway, so it's fine"😮
Absolutely not the same thing like deliberate failure to take it.

There is always a chance I can hit someone while driving, doesn't mean it would be excused if I do it deliberately 🤷
And before someone says "Not a same thing". Both of these can ruin families, bring lots of grief, cost money no one has and drag in victims which had no choice in the matter.

Morgan12 · 05/10/2019 18:57

How poor actually are you? Babies don't cost that much and you must have stuff from your first DC?

BigChocFrenzy · 05/10/2019 18:58

The dishonesty and manipulation of a man making holes in a condom are the same

However the consequences for the woman are obviously greater:
physical / emotional in addition to the 20 year financial & emotional commitment that both sexes would have

Livelovebehappy · 05/10/2019 18:58

I think in your shoes I’d probably opt for a termination, but only if you are mentally able to cope and it won’t be something that is going to cause you mental health issues and massive guilt problems later, as this could also destroy your marriage. The alternative is going to cause you a bigger problem: You will lose your husband’s trust. There are going to be huge financial problems. You’re not going to want to work to alleviate the financial problems, as you will feel guilt at leaving your toddler and baby. I know having a termination is not an easy decision, but it does appear to be the better route for everyone in this situation. I’m sure you’re not the first to get pregnant deliberately without partners knowledge, and you won’t be the last. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you just need to be proactive - make a decision and stick to it.