I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

Tell your DH you’re pregnant and take it from there. I wouldn’t lead with the whole pill down the toilet thing; he may just accept it was an accident without trying to dig too much into it. You’ll feel better once you tell him... Been there.

It’s done now. Some harsh replies here. You’ve really fucked up but you know that. Obviously you need to talk to your husband. He didn’t listen to you when you said you wanted another baby leading you to desperate measures....but you have massively tricked him and played games with something that you should never, ever play around with.
I know that feeling of broody madness though op. You are only human - good luck. You could suggest to your husband that you work and save though the pregnancy if that’s viable?
How desperate is your financial situation? Because compared to having ‘stuff’ having a sibling is a gift! Siblings are lovely - you are adding to your sons life, not denying him.

Meh. What was your husband doing to prevent he was dead set against?
Might as well have both children this close in age now and still follow through with your plan to go back to work when they're both in school/nursery/full time nursery.
Finances won't really be impacted til later on down the road.

Go tell your DH you are pregnant.
I personally (and selfishly) wouldn't admit to not taking the pill as this shows you to be untrustworthy and will throw up all issues of trust and honesty.
I hope he doesn't realise the truth ( very likely as you've told him you were broody- I think he will come to his own conclusions).

Many women will be critical on here but 'accidental' pregnancy are so common.

It is not ideal and extremely selfish. You are not the one working, so it was easier for you to rationalize this decision.

Just talk to your husband.

Prevent a pregnancy*

Hmmm.

I would have thought it would have been a good idea to have two kids close together so that you could maximise your SAHM years looking after two, and then when the older goes to school, put the other in nursery with the good free hours offer, so that you could work.

Your biggest problem is the breaking of trust with your DH, and personally I would have to take responsibility for that by terminating the pg - very early via the clinical route.

I am sorry this is so hard OP, the wanting a child but not being able to afford it.

Meh. What was your husband doing to prevent he was dead set against?

I'm guessing he wasn't expecting his wife to lie to him about taking contraception. It's different if she told him she'd stopped taking the pill and he didn't use a condom but he had no reason to think he had to use extra precautions.

You need to tell him the truth and consider going back to work now.

Agree with the stand point and advice from FauxFox.

Talk to your husband. I know this won't be popular, but there is going to be enough pain and confusion in this situation deciding what to do about the pregnancy, I would not tell your husband that you didn't take the pill on purpose. Maybe that you have been lax when taking it at different times. My worry would be that his decision (quite rightly by the way) could really be clouded by his anger towards you and could hamper the issue in what to do about the pregnancy. Try, together to decide what is best for your family with as little anger as possible, clearer heads make better decisions.

But you know what you did was wrong. Learn from this and never make this mistake again.

Good luck with what you decide.

Remove this. It’ll end up in a tabloid and that’s how your husband will find out if you’re not careful.

Most here are talking about how selfish you’re being towards your husband and suggest getting a job; however, I’m thinking about this child. A child who was NOT wanted by the father and a child who will always be considered the product of treachery. A child who will be viewed as a mistake and one you’ll look on with regret for your actions.

That’s incredibly sad and apparently at no point did you think about the CHILD.

I don’t even know what to suggest here. The only thing you can do is to tell the truth. Even if you had a termination itll just be another lie.

Sit your husband down and tell him everything. Don’t make excuses and don’t try and twist anything (eg YOU made me wait). Admit all and plead for forgiveness and then if a termination is agreed upon it will be decided together and if the child is WANTED when you’ll both HOPEFULLY be able to move forward.

Never do this again. It’s beyond vile and is without a doubt one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read.

The person who loses out here isn’t going to be you - it’s the life you created and your poor husband. The least you can do now is delete this thread and confess.

Your poor husband . You have completely betrayed his trust. Blaming hormones is a cop-out and a way of avoiding accepting responsibility for your actions and your deception.

I’m so glad I’m not married to someone as dishonest and underhand as you, OP.

Be honest with your husband and make a plan together as a team

People get pregnant on the pill all the time though Nerr. Men who really, really don't want children must take responsibility for their own fertility instead and double up.

I couldn't terminate a baby I actively tried to produce (regardless of the circumstances). But that's entirely your choice.

If you have options for childcare I'd get a job asap. Hopefully then you'd earn enough and for the qualifying weeks for maternity allowance (you wouldn't be entitled to maternity pay if you got a job after you are already pregnant). 're childcare if you're working your son would be entitled to 30 hours free childcare and tax free childcare (20% off) which can be a significant saving.

You can save the money from your earnings to afford mat leave. Then by the time mat leave is over, hopefully your eldest will be in school and you can afford childcare for no.2 and wraparound school care.

Have no advice for breaking the news to your husband. You've broken his trust in a pretty serious way. Hopefully in time he'll adjust to the news and forgive.

A child who was NOT wanted by the father and a child who will always be considered the product of treachery.

We don't know if the father wants this child as OP hasn't told him yet and using the word 'treachery' sounds really melodramatic.

I don’t think you should tell your husband either. Pointless adding the pain of broken trust into the mix: what’s done is done.

In all honestly you are probably better off having another baby now and getting the whole baby thing done and dusted and then concentrating on your career.

You have a good few months now to get some work and build some savings up. Your eldest will only be 7 or 8 when the little one starts school. He’s really not going to miss out on anything major because of your finances.

Op whatever you decide please don't go through with a termination on your own. You would need help and support.

What a fool you've been! I can't stand this broodiness/hormones excuse for tricking your husband in this way. To those that said that ' he didn't listen to her' or that he could've taken his own precautions - WTAF!!! They discussed it together and agreed - in what universe would you not think you could trust your partner to abide by their part of the agreement! Although sadly the op has proved that she couldn't be trusted.
You must talk to him now, work out what you BOTH want, not just you, and then stick to it. Good luck with the future, I hope you can work something out

OP, I feel very sorry for you.
What a horrible situation to find yourself in.

First off, absolutely nothing to be gained whatsoever telling your husband about you stopping the pill.

Nothing to be gained by clouding this issue.

It takes two to make a baby.

Ye need to concentrate on what is the best solution.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to terminate this pregnancy.

However, if you can't afford another baby, I believe it would be irresponsible to have one.

Financial problems can bring enormous stress to a marriage, add to that a new baby, and your guilt for doing this, could be unbearable for you.

I think you need to actively find a way back to work.

Being a SAHM is wonderful if you can afford it.
However lovely, it is not essential.

I think your husband needs to share the financial load.
If you love him and your son, your priority should be the family you have now.

Don't waste energy or focus by beating yourself up.

Save it for the solution you need to decide upon.

Wishing you happiness and strength OP💐

Ok, you need to speak to your husband regardless. Logically though, how would another baby add much to your everyday costs? You are a SAHM, no bigger car or house is needed from one to two and there is nothing stopping you getting some sort of income even if temporary. In fact, kids get more expensive as they get older so surely logical to have the ‘hard’ years at once?

You made a mistake and now there are consequences. Don't tell your husband that you deliberately chose not to prevent getting pregnant. It won't change what you did it will only add to his burden to know it was deliberate. Your guilt is your burden and he will have enough stress without you adding to it.
I would also like to remind you though that you did want this baby and that however much he/she may not feel like something good at the moment when they are born they will add to your life, your husbands life and your present child's life in a multitude of amazing ways that you will never regret. It may not be what you planned and it may not be easy but it will always be worth it.
Make it up to your husband even without him knowing it. Be the best person you can as a wife, as a mother, as a person!
We can all give you advice but only you know the dynamics of your marriage and how much it can withstand, my husband would be cross I had gone against our agreement but he would still see the baby as a bonus no matter how it had been conceived, will yours?
All my very best wishes to you, I hope you forgive yourself eventually, we have all made stupid decisions at times!

I couldn't terminate a baby I actively tried to produce

(a) it’s not a baby she’d be terminating and (b) what you would do it irrelevant.

Well. It’s obviously not a good thing you’ve done, but I wouldn’t tell him what I’d done, in your position.

Get a job, any job, if you possibly can. Save every penny, have this next baby and use the money to see you through and then go back to work as soon as you can.

It’ll be ok.

There's a lot of catastrophising going on here, it's not ideal but it's not the end of the world either.
If you want to keep the baby then you'll have to tell your DH and start job hunting now and accept that you won't be able to stay at home until this one starts school.

I can't believe how many posters are saying add to the lies and don't tell him you deliberately stopped taking the pill.

If this was the other way round and a man was putting holes in the condom because he wanted to get his partner pregnant the replies would be that he had to tell her and how awful he has been! (I know a lot of posters have said how awful this situ is)

This is a massive breach of trust! Her husband deserves to know the truth and the whole truth. No excuses of oh I was broody etc.
Whatever the outcome is because you decided for a WHOLE month to stop taking your pill. Not a day or two or even a week but an entire month. Completely calculated