I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

@seaweedandmarchingbands the point you are making is irrelevant. The OP and husband are struggling financially and he expressed a wish to not have anymore children. The OP has tried to force his hand. This is not about you feeling denigrated and oh the OP has fucked off what a shocker

From someone in the same situation. I've lied. Made up stories. My dd is perfect. Dh loves her.

Those of you predicting a life long of regret are wrong. It doesn't work that way. I do remember that fleeting moment of panic about what others would think but I got over it.

Perhaps everyone suspects. Maybe dh does. I dont think anyone would complain about her existence. If they did I'd be fine with what they thought about me.

@Marriedwithchildren5

Don't you have any compunction about lying about something so important to your DH ? Are your wishes paramount in your relationship?

Suprisingly no. Which is why I said those predicting the regret of a lie are wrong. At the time, like the op, I felt awful. But why would I now 3 years later?

That’s like saying a secondment is time off just because it’s technically a break from one job. In the context of the discussion it’s irrelevant

It's entirely relevant as the main reason for not having a child now is that the family can't afford it financially. The OP, however busy and worthwhile her being a SAHM might be, is not bringing any money into the household.

But why would I now 3 years later?

Because you've lied to, and deceived, your husband? Would you be so relaxed if he did the same to you one day?

How about if he does suspect what you did, decides he doesn't want to take the chance ever again and goes off to have a secret vasectomy so putting paid to your chances of ever having another child?

I'd be scared every day that karma would catch up with me.

Those of you predicting a life long of regret are wrong. It doesn't work that way.

OP has no idea what way it will work as she hasn't spoken to her DH (or hadn't at the point of her last post).
I'm glad it worked out for you, but this is not necessarily the case. I've known an unwanted child pull families apart (even when the unwanted child was genuinely an accident, and not deliberate as here). I've certainly seen lack of money pull families apart. This really isn't a case of "oh just have a baby and it'll all be fine".

@RedskyLastNight

It's entirely relevant as the main reason for not having a child now is that the family can't afford it financially. The OP, however busy and worthwhile her being a SAHM might be, is not bringing any money into the household.

This 100%

For me it isn't a debate about the role of SAHM (which I value greatly) it's about the dishonesty - her DH has openly said to his partner that he can't bear any more financial strain and her actions are forcing that on him.

They will have to find an option to pay for the extra costs associated and having two incomes is one of those options.

There are always consequences to disregarding your partner's well communicated and honest concerns, one of them is that finances will need to be looked at closely.

I feel really sorry for DH because he is now in a position where not only has he been honest and lied to, he will be hugely anxious about the extra income required.

Imagine a different scenario - a man whose wife felt they were in no way prepared for another child, communicated this clearly with very reasonable reasons and despite this because the man wanted a second child badly had pretended to use a condom and not done so, resulting in a child.

I genuinely think you'd be hard pushed to find anyone on MN who would think there any justification for his actions.

He would not be told it's understandable or not that big a deal. And rightly so.

Your poor DH, I really feel for him.

Stop investing, people. I doubt this even happened.

The double standards are real though

The ops never bothered coming back. I hope it's not real, making someone a parent against their wishes is appalling and should be a marriage ender.