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Original poster

I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

336 replies

gipser · 05/10/2019 16:16

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2019 17:25

Hmm at people feeling sorry for OP or telling her to lie.

Tell him what you’ve done and that you’re pregnant and be bloody honest about it.

We use condoms. I trust my husband to use them properly and take responsibility for contraception at this point in our lives. If he was sticking pins in them then told me it was equally my fault if I got pregnant because I trusted him and wasn’t doubling up with the pill at least I’d have the option to terminate. OP’s husband gets no say at all.

Leflic · 05/10/2019 17:25

Ignore the idiots posting about how “ vile” you are. Ridiculous.

Look,no one can say what the future brings. Do what your gut tells you. Loads of people all over the world bring up children successfully in less than ideal circumstances. You can get a job, go back to college to retrain, anything if you want to.

The tricky bit will being honest to your husband about how it happened. Be brave.

sweetiepy · 05/10/2019 17:27

Talk to your husband. Be honest about things and hope he can forgive you. Do not terminate this pregnancy as you had planned to have another child anyway. An abortion takes a toll on both your body and your mental health and I think you would really regret it!

Consider the future and it really isn’t all that bad! You aren’t working anyway, so lack of wages doesn’t feature! You will get child benefit, which used wisely will cover the cost of looking after your baby. You have, hopefully, already got most of the things your baby will need; pram, cot etc. If you are struggling financially will you and your dh maybe qualify for child tax/working tax credit?

Above all, what’s done is done, no more lies between you and your dh.

SparklyMagpie · 05/10/2019 17:28

Are you REALLY feeling guilty for what you've done or is it just because you're shitting it about your DH's reaction and potential consequences?

Bang out of order

Watchthecup · 05/10/2019 17:30

I'm not going to lecture you on your actions. You don't need that.

Your options are

  1. Terminate without telling him. However, it's HIS baby too. Could you live with doing this? How would he feel if he found out?
  2. Tell him it was accidental and decide what you do together. More lies but an easy option? He may put 2 and 2 together though or at least be suspicious.
  3. Own up completely. There won't be lies or secrets but it will have repocussions.

In my opinion, but it isn't my life, I would tell him I was pregnant and if he asks how just say I don't know and leave it that at.

It sounds like your family would benefit from you getting a job regardless.

Good luck OP. X

Amanduh · 05/10/2019 17:30

The ‘it takes two to make a baby’ and ‘he should have wrapped it up’ comments are ridiculous. NONE of this is the op’s husbands fault. They agreed no more children, she was taking the pill (not oh she didnt want to take it and he refused to wear a condom) and he thought they were both on the same page. The op DELIBERATELY sabotaged the contraception without him being aware and now is pregnant.
Op, what you did is awful. But you can’t change it.
Please don’t tell any more lies. That won’t help your relationship or your guilt in the future. Or your child.
Speak to your husband and tell him the truth.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/10/2019 17:30

People get pregnant on the pill all the time though

Usually because they’re careless about taking it. I think OP’s actions are incredibly selfish and shitty. Your dishonesty will have lost you your DH’s trust completely. I suppose though you’ll take some of the advice upthread and tell more lies to get yourself off the hook.

NerrSnerr · 05/10/2019 17:32

People get pregnant on the pill all the time though

But this isn't what happened. For the vast majority of people, used properly the pill is effective.

GrandmaSharksDentures · 05/10/2019 17:33

People get pregnant on the pill all the time though

No, no they don't. If taken correctly the contraceptive pill is extremely effective. Women get pregnant when they miss pills or take it irregularly (outside of set times). Yes of course there is a very small % failure, but not as high as some might believe

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2019 17:34

People get pregnant on the pill all the time though

She wasn’t on the pill.

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 17:34

If I ever have a child and it's a son, he will be highly encouraged to preserve sperm for future until both partners are ready, and get a snip, after seeing how cool people are with this kind of thing😳

Shitty thing to do to the DH, to the DC and to the new addition.

DH deserves a truth.If it was one day... But a month...

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/10/2019 17:37

In your situation I probably wouldn’t tell him you came off the pill deliberately.

As if he wouldn't know. Only a fool would fall for this oldest of deceptions, and the OP would likely respect him less, even if he did.

The problem with deceit of this magnitude is that it just breeds lies on top of lies. As for those berating OP for considering the continuation of her deceit and suggesting she not do this, that horse has already bolted. 'Coming clean' now isn't possible, and will likely break the marriage irreparably, even if the ultimate outcome is that the desired goal of another baby is achieved. If she tells the DH and he decides to stay, his trust in his DW will inevitably be shaken and the marriage may unravel eventually, if not immediately.

The other choice is to quietly terminate. This means OP will be keeping a horrible secret for the remainder of her days, together with all its implications for her own conscience. If her conscience goes into overdrive and gets too much for her and she then 'comes clean' at a later (and far more damaging) stage, she then reverts straight back to step 1 above. Only this time, it will be with more wasted years.

Then there are the implications for both children.

OP - you don't need others berating you right now any more than you're berating yourself. You've learned just about one of the harshest lessons life can throw at you about actions and consequences, and are now in a horrible, unenviable situation in which damage limitation is about as positive an outcome as you're likely to get. I neither envy (nor in any way judge) the awful decision you have before you.

I'm sorry Flowers

PepePig · 05/10/2019 17:38

If your son is 3 theres no reason why you couldn't have went back part time. Get a P/T job and be honest with your husband. Sneaking around having an abortion behind his back is worse than sneaking around and not taking B/C imo.

You just need to be honest.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/10/2019 17:38

Well it's a reality now, so you only have two choices. Have a secret termination which will probably affect your mental health even more, or tell your DH and work through it.

I think you stopped taking the pill out of resentment towards your DH, a passive aggressive action to make yourself feel better (or even perhaps because your body was screaming at you to lay off the hormones) and you didn't think you would get pregnant. If it took you over a year the first time it's understandable. If you have similar feelings in the future, book some time with a therapist and work your feelings through instead of acting irrationally.

I would not tell him you skipped the pill for a month. I know that's not the popular opinion, but I don't see that it would help at all in your circumstances. of course I'm sure the "run and tell your husband how vile you are so he can divorce you the poor bloke" lot might feel starved of some weekend internet drama, but you need to think about the effect it could have on your family in real life. Maybe see a counsellor anyway.

SparklyMagpie · 05/10/2019 17:39

Tbh I don't think I could ever trust you again, what would happen the next time you're broody? I'd always have it in the back of my mind.

And tbh the fact you deliberately planned all of this and then talk about possibly getting a termination??

FavouriteSong · 05/10/2019 17:42

You can't continue to be a SAHM. Get a job and get one quickly, there are lots of places taking on seasonal staff at the moment and you can get hours that fit in around DH.

Once you are earning, you will have to come clean and tell DH you are pregnant. Whether you confess to having stopped contraception deliberately, or pretend the pill failed, is up to you and your conscience.

I wouldn't consider a termination personally. My 4th child was conceived after we had jointly decided to have no more children, and I had a coil fitted. We were both shocked to find out I was pregnant again, more so because we would be parents to 4 children under the age of 5. But it happened, DD was determined to be part of our family and the coil came out embedded in the placenta. She is an absolute delight, always has been. DH had a vasectomy when she was 3 days old ;)

But she was definitely a genuine surprise baby.

DC3dilemma · 05/10/2019 17:43

I have 3 children. Went back to work each time when they were 6 months, 10 months and 12 months. Heart breaking every time, but we chose to have the children and chose to provide for them together. I consider myself very fortunate to be the one who is part-time while DH works much longer hours. I can’t imagine sitting by while we struggled financially until a child was over 3...then just as the light at the end of the tunnel was coming, doing something like this. Did you not think that if you’d be broody for more, it’d be best to get in the workplace for a bit to save/be eligible for mat pay etc?

AMAM8916 · 05/10/2019 17:43

Get a job as soon as possible. You're very early so if you get a job in the next month, you will get maternity pay or allowance.

Your child is 3 so you are entitled to 30 hours free childcare and tax free child care. So basically, childcare won't be all that much if you find something for 20-25 hours a week.

Are you sure you actually wanted another child and never did this to get out of going back to work? Because it seems the timing is that when you discussed you needed to go back to work, this happened.

Children should be taken into the world for the right reasons. Accidents happen yes, but this was no accident was it? I think some women get god awful abuse for terminating but for them, it is the right thing and they accidentally got pregnant. I don't even know what this is, calculating probably? If you terminate now, this has just been a game where you've created a life and disguarded it.

I think you need to hold your hands up and admit what you did and tell your husband you will find a job and make this all work out

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 17:44

Be honest, did the pregnancy have anything to do with you not wanting to, or being afraid of going back to work?

You need to have a serious and frank discussion with your husband.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/10/2019 17:45

Yes, lie, say it was an accident. Two don't actually cost much more than 1, get a double buggy and register as a childminder? money for you and company for new baby. Its nice to have them close in age.
It will be fine, kids don't need much - just love, enjoy your baby. x

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 17:48

Yes, lie, say it was an accident

get a double buggy and register as a childminder? money for you and company for new baby.

I'm not sure which one of those comments is worse to be honest Hmm

NoSauce · 05/10/2019 17:48

Did you NC for this are you new to MN?

1morepieceofcake · 05/10/2019 17:49

It's not ideal but what's done is done. Worse things can happen. I agree with pp that have said you need to get a job and earn as much as you can before this baby arrives. You need to tell your husband the truth ASAP. Give him as much time as possible to come to terms with the addition to your family. Be prepared for him to be angry and hurt at what you did.

LifeonVenus · 05/10/2019 17:49

What are you going to do? We can't tell you. You sound duplicitous enough to lie about it. Is that what your plan is?

Sagradafamiliar · 05/10/2019 17:51

Too many PPs to reply to but according to a recent study I read, it was revealed that, actually women aren't lying or being 'too stupid' to take their pill correctly and actually do fall pregnant whilst on the pill as they're predisposed thanks to a hormone, be immune to it. No I can't link it because I cba to search for it but it proves what many women have been saying for years and that's without taking into account the ones who forget a day/ take other medications which negate it.

She wasn't on the pill.

Misses my point. Men who are adamantly against children need to take responsibility of their own fertility. I know, it's a radical concept.