I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

if op keeps this to herself then there would be no trust issues on his side. The consequence for OP is forever having to keep this lie and know what a despicable thing she did. It would be her job to make sure husband never finds out.

And if the husband suspects but the op refuses to.own up? He has to live with the niggling doubt that his wife deceived him and is also a liar? That sounds a great basis for a happy marriage going forward.

Do you think he'll ever be able to trust her? That he won't always be suspicious of her from now on? Won't doubt anything that she tells him from now on?

Another thread where it's the OP's fault because contraception is her sole responsibility.

No kitten. It is a thread where op chose to atop taking the contraception to ensure she intentionally got pregnant without her husband's knowledge or Consent.

@TequilaPilates if he does confront her she needs to fess up 100%. But if he is happy to accept her version then why destroy his happiness. Other option would be to have a termination and never tell him

Another thread where it's the OP's fault because contraception is her sole responsibility.

It’s HER fault because SHE came off the pill, SHE lied to her husband about it and SHE carried on having unprotected sex. What’s not clear?

But if he is happy to accept her version then why destroy his happiness

Err, because he won't be happy about another baby because he's already said so?

How do you think the conversation will go? Op says she's pregnant. Do you not think DH might not then say "but how? You're on the pill?"

So within 1 sentence she needs to decide to tell the truth or lie. Yet you're advocating that she does not tell him. How?

@TequilaPilates I would say she tells him she is pregnant. She says she is sorry but she is pregnant. No mention of pill or it being an accident. Now there is a chance that he could leave it at that not asking any further in which case no need to unless he presses further. Or as I said another option is termination and never letting anyone know. Yes any turmoils the children go through is on her. That does not mean they should need to be put through it or that they should be the ones punished for her actions

Yes OP was deceitful. Not good however had OP's husband insisted on using a condom because he was committed to not reproducing in the near future and acknowledged no contraception is 100%, then this situation would probably not have happened.

Condoms are less reliable than the pill - and even if he had worn one, he would have been doing so in the belief that it was a back-up rather than the only contraception.

Why are so many people clutching at straws to make this someone else’s ( the man’s) fault?

Now there is a chance that he could leave it at that not asking any further in which case no need to unless he presses further.

Utter codswallop. There's no way that he's not going to say "but how"? Is there?

Kittenbittenmitten

He accepted the 2% failure rate risk of using some form of contraception, not the 100% risk of using no contraception.

Maybe he should have insisted on no sex at all until ready to TTC? Or had a vasectomy without telling her to ensure no further children at all?

OP why are you still not working? DS is 3 he is entitled to 30 free hours you could be back part time or something. Your DH was struggling under the burden and you've spent the time indulging your hormones. Talk to your husband, though the damage may be irreparable based on you deliberately misleading him about contraception.
If you do go ahead you need to work, take a short MAT leave and then get back. Your poor DH, I can't imagine the stress he is already under and you've done this.

How can some people blame the man. If he had wanted more children and she didn't and he put holes in the condom the same people would be calling him abusive and shouting LTB. The OP and her DH had opted for their choice of protection and the slight risk of pregnancy that came with it. At no point did the DH choose no protection at all. He has been lied to. The OP has deliberately lied to him and deceived him. Stop trying to pass it off as a minor thing.

How can some people blame the man.

Because this is Mumsnet, where if a woman confessed she’d stabbed her husband with the bread knife, someone would pop up saying ‘Perhaps if her husband had done his share of the cooking, she wouldn’t have been in the kitchen all the time and wouldn’t have been anywhere near the bread knife’.

Because this is Mumsnet, where if a woman confessed she’d stabbed her husband with the bread knife, someone would pop up saying ‘Perhaps if her husband had done his share of the cooking, she wouldn’t have been in the kitchen all the time and wouldn’t have been anywhere near the bread knife’.

No, not at all. I do feel sorry for the OP's DH but I just think that if both man and woman are equally keen to avoid conception then the responsibility should not fall on one person.

No, not at all. I do feel sorry for the OP's DH but I just think that if both man and woman are equally keen to avoid conception then the responsibility should not fall on one person.

I agree that it shouldn't fall on one person unless the couple together have decided what option/s that want to use.

In this case though one person has unilaterally decided that they will abandon the contraception without telling the other partner.

So, if the op had decided that she no longer wants to use contraception the correct thing to do would be to tell her husband. He then can choose to take on the responsibility, abstain or take the chance of a pregnancy.

What the op did had nothing to do with the burden falling to one partner. The contraception didn't fail. The op failed to take it. Big difference.

When people are married or in a long term living together relationship @kittenbittenmitten it is usual for them to decide what is the chosen method of contraception taking into consideration the risk of an unplanned pregnancy. It is not the norm to double up on this. Nobody should be expecting their partner to be lying about contraception.

@Kittenbittenmitten
But op lied about her role in the agreement, surely normally you would trust your partner(not a casual or ons) to tell the truth? And she lied consistently for a month - truly manipulative

seaweedandmarchingbands

I don’t “know”, no. It sounds like you think caring for children is “time off”, unless I was mistaken about your meaning.

I do think it's time off.....from paid employment. I also think in this case the sahp has it much easier than wohp. The wohp in this case is the husband. He has to bear the financial burden as it is but now there is another child to provide for when it sounds like they are already close to breaking point.

The OP does not sound like she wants to share the financial burden at all from what she said. It's as if she thinks if she keeps having children he'll just have to keep providing.

I do think it's time off.....from paid employment.

That’s like saying a secondment is time off just because it’s technically a break from one job. In the context of the discussion it’s irrelevant. SAHP of young children are working at home. They are just not drawing a salary.

"I do think it's time off.....from paid employment."

Technically yes, only the SAHP is saving the family money in inevitable childcare fees. It's not a role to be devalued.

Technically yes, only the SAHP is saving the family money in inevitable childcare fees

And while there is nothing wrong with putting your children in childcare, both my husband and I prefer my child to be cared for at home. I am doing that job at the moment, but it could just as easily be him, and neither of us would stand for being denigrated for it.

But a 3 year old qualifies for free hours? There's nothing stopping OP getting a P/T job to match up with these. Or working evenings/weekends when DP is off. I think a few months of barely seeing each other is fine considering shes had three years at home.

I'm not dissing being a SAHM. My own mum was one and I had an amazing time as a kid because of it. But she was only a SAHM because my dad was self employed and they could afford it. I go back to work in 3 months time because I can't afford to be a SAHM. I'll be working a shitty p/t job because it fits in with my partner's job, so we can tag team and not need very much paid childcare.

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. If OP wants another kid, she'll need to save for it. Back to work she goes.

No one's devaluing it are they. I'm currently at home with my 3 week old. I wouldn't continue to be at home after parental leave if it was causing financial hardship and me working would help. The OPs child is 3 so more than likely would be entitled to some funding.

@WaterOffaDucksCrack I'm with you insofar as how the OP needs to step up here but I read your tone as being disparaging towards SAHPs which is perhaps not what you meant in general.

Ok. As I've stated, it wasn't. This thread isn't yet another sahp/wohp debate and I'm sure none of us want to make it one.