I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

Yeah, this was done to my BIL. He was an utter cunt about it and behaved disgustingly. Just tell your husband, it is your only possible hope of your marriage surviving.

I think you know you have behaved disgracefully.
There are only two options, go through with the pregnancy (and of course there would be a small chance it doesn't go to full term anyway) or have a termination.

When you speak to your husband, I hope you find you have not caused a permanent loss of trust.

You may need help with your mental health.

Sorry ladies wrong place..If anyone knows how to remove please let me know

Oh, fgs, to argue it's not that bad and the man should not have relied on his dw taking the pill is like arguing it's not rape and gbh to give someone HIV because you secretly removed a condom while having sex with them and HIV could have been passed on, and pregnancy happened, even if you left the condom on. The OP should feel guilty, she did an astonishingly selfish thing. Personally, I could not live with myself to lie about it, but I can see why the OP would be tempted to look like a manipulative liar, rather than just a reckless, selfish idiot. I think I could forgive a reckless, contrite idiot more easily than a manipulative liar, tbh.

Men who are adamantly against children need to take responsibility of their own fertility. I know, it's a radical concept.

I don't know anyone in a serious long term relationship where they double up on contraception. So, yes, it is a fairly radical concept.

Don't terminate a pregnancy you want unless you know you'll be able to come to terms with it.

Don't be so fucking disgusting, Walk.

Stupid question so I do apologise... But is anyone likely to take her on for a job if she's pregnant or would she just have to take a job and go oh sorry I've just found out I'm pregnant a bit later on???

I know it's radical, red. Women are still seen as responsible for everything. Even in long term relationships and marriages, where pregnancy will occur.

suggesting that OP’s husband should have used a condom is the worst sort of victim blaming.

@sparklyunicornsaremyfave sadly you're right but luckily she has no legal obligation to tell them and absolutely shouldn't, none of their business.

Wanting a child badly is not a mental health issue. It’s hormones and instinct.
Op is worried about the fact that she lied and decieved her husband (although had he been supportive of a second child there wouldn’t be an issue).
I think you need to be clear about what you want Op.Your husband has the right to his own feelings but they don’t trump yours. His compromise would be staying married, yours would be terminating.I’m pro abortion and have had one but it was for me, not someone else thinking it would be for the best.

I would definitely not admit you did it on purpose and I wouldn't terminate a wanted pregnancy.

She’s a sahm. Who is going to look after her first baby whilst she does all this work pp suggest?

Your poor poor husband. Do you have any idea of the pressure of bringing up children when you’re the sole earner and money is tight? I can’t even imagine how selfish you’d have to be to do this

Your husband will know you made it happen. You have been very selfish. Why are you still a SAHM with a three year old if things are that tight? If you have the baby it will probably lead to arguments and resentment from your husband and I’m not sure how you’d be able to keep up the lie that you’re shocked to be pregnant.

Men who are adamantly against children need to take responsibility of their own fertility. I know, it's a radical concept.

Imagine a guy coming here and asking if he is unreasonable to use second type of protection because he is worried his wife will secretly stop taking hers, which is the one they both agreed on...

Actually I realise hormones are the cause of mental health issues...but I think wanting a second child isn’t a mental problem.

suggesting that OP’s husband should have used a condom is the worst sort of victim blaming.

I agree. It's absolutely disgusting.

They're married for God sake. He made the mistake of trusting his own wife, who unbeknown to him is a conniving manipulative liar.

And yet it's his fault she's pregnant

The double standards are astonishing. How is a guy saying he had the snip but actually hadn't any different to what the Op did?

@Toomuchtrouble4me
Good grief!!!!

@Passthecherrycoke first “baby” is 3 years old so should qualify for 30 hours free childcare

OP, I wouldn’t tell your husband it was deliberate. What you did was awful but it’s done now and adding more pressure to your marriage isn’t going to be good for anyone, especially your son and this baby, if you choose to keep it.

As she doesn’t work atm she’s only entitled to 16 hours a week (term time) which is a hell of a job to find. I don’t know how quickly the 30 hours entitlement kicks in once you’ve started working though

I reckon he'll work it out for himself to be honest, especially if it does turn out to be partially because the OP doesn't want to go out to work.