I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

[gipser]

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

What's done is done. Maybe you should stop being a SAHM and work while this one is young to be able to cope financially. It sounds like that was the huge problem, and it's solvable.

You need to tell your husband the truth ASAP. Give him as much time as possible to come to terms with the addition to your family. Be prepared for him to be angry and hurt at what you did.

Also be prepared for him to divorce you.

It is EXTREMELY difficult to have a secret termination and unless your DH is very insensitive - he would most likely know something was amiss.

Misses my point. Men who are adamantly against children need to take responsibility of their own fertility. I know, it's a radical concept.

So is trusting your wife - you know the person you married and discussed when to have children with...

Christ, the man blaming in here is ridiculous.

Yes you have been selfish, but you recognised that and even if you were diligently taking the pill it's only 98% effective. The only way to be 100% sure of it getting pregnant is not having sex or vacetomy/tubes tied. You need to take a deep breath, and let your DH know. He will probably be pissed off but is likely to come around. And yes, you need to get a job. This next maternity isn't going to extend your period as a SAHM. Get a job asap, you don't have to tell them you're pregnant until 15 weeks before the baby is due and you will get maternity pay once you're there ( irrespective of time) and SMP if you're there 26 weeks or more before the baby is born so you have plenty of time. Go to your DH with a plan. Take him the solution, not a problem.

I don't think there's anything to be achieved by telling your husband everything. Deal with the issue at hand - the pregnancy - and figure out a plan to boost your finances. I'd be looking for a job at this point. Don't beat yourself up too much...although I can understand your anxiety about it all, the reality is that even on the pill you could have conceived. Put the hair shirt aside and start doing some practical planning. Good luck to you.

Surprise, surprise.

OP where've you gone?

Tell your DH you are pregnant before making any more decisions without his consent OP. If you regret having done what you've done you wouldn't surely contemplate further dishonest and taking away his right to at least decide what he thinks of it. I would delete this thread, get a job, and look after your mental health as best you can whilst being realistic about a situation you put yourself in very willingly. I hope it's something that works out for you OP.

I wouldn't get too invested in this post.

I don’t think OP is coming back.

Quite honestly I think people giving advice are wasting their time, which is a bit shitty of the OP really.

Do you’ve spent 4 years at home, relying on your husband to fund your lifestyle despite tight financial constraints, and have now manipulated him into a pregnancy he doesn't Want and which will financially disadvantage your family?

Yes you should feel shit. It’s a deliberate, calculated deceit - as bad as an affair or any other significant betrayal.

Are you planning on him supporting you for another 4 years whilst you continue to lie to him or will you show him the respect of being honest and taking active steps to make amends and contribute financially?

You don't deserve a slating, gipser. Things like this happen. You will be fine, please try not to worry too much as it will spoil your pregnancy. Many people have unplanned babies. You don't have to tell your husband you stopped taking the pill (I wouldn't normally advocate dishonesty - honestly - but cannot see the point in telling him), accidents happen. Do get a job and save as much as you can for now and you may be able to go back to the job when your baby is past a certain age.

Of course, the above is only relevant if you choose to go on with the pregnancy and you may not. No one, at least on here, would blame you if you didn't. Only you can make the decision.

I can remember feeling broody for a while too but in my case, it didn't last and I was glad not to be pregnant - am still glad though it was years ago.

I hope you have someone in real life to confide in.

All good wishes whatever you decide to do.

Oh dear OP.

What a mess.

You've fucked up badly and you know it.

The only way forward is to own what you've done and take responsibility for the position your now in.

That means telling your DH the truth and based on that discussion agreeing a way forward, which means either having a termination or finding work ASAP that you'll have to continue post pregnancy. Skip any aspirations of being a SAHP for this second child because you've sold that idea down the river because of your behaviour.

3 year olds get free nursery hours.
You could be working now.

I think my angle is more compassionate and realistic than the advice she toodle off for a secret abortion, worra

OP (if you come back...) you do need to talk to your husband. And ignore the posters who lie in wait for a frightened woman to post so that they can stick the boot in and make her feel worse. The usernames ring bells after a while

@CampingItUp

I think you're hit the nail on the head.

Those who are saying to blame it on a contraceptive failure...would you believe it was one if your partner had been asking to TTC very recently and you had declined? I know I bloody wouldn’t.

A friend of mine nagged and nagged her DH to try for a baby and he refused as they were in a precarious financial position . She then ‘accidentally’ became pregnant and even if it was a genuine failure, he never ever believed that it was and that she had taken matters in to her own hands. They lasted a few years after he was born but the doubt and resentment never went away and they eventually split.

Not surprised at the man blaming on here - only on MN should never trust your spouse with the contraception. I’d like to think my DH would never prick holes in the condoms...

A man sticking holes in a condom is not comparable, I don't know why it keeps coming up.

Your poor husband. You've been selfish, calculating and have actively deceived him. To save your marriage, I'd say it was an accident but I think he'd see right through it what with your previous conversations about wanting a baby. This would be a point of no return if it was the other way around and happened to me.

Experience in the subject. Worst mistake I ever made, it doesn't get easier, the trust is gone and they don't automatically love the new child once they are here. I understand your moment of madness but from experience it was the worst mistake in my life.

Just get a job! I had to go back to work when DD was 4 months & then worked until week before DS was due & was back in work when he was 6 months. People do work when they're pregnant/have babies!! I don't think it's good reason to get rid of your pregnancy.

you need to at least try and earn your tax free allowance each year which would ease your financial burden. Could you work evenings or weekends so that there are no childcare costs. Could your husband request flexible working and maybe do condensed hours to give him a day off a week and allow you to work. If you want a second child it is much easier to have them close together and then slowly get back to normal.

I'd say what's done is done and you have to get on with it, you know it was a bad thing to do.

In your position I dont think I'd have a termination as I think it will affect your mental health as you wanted the child, but this is 100% your decision to make.

I dont think I'd tell your husband that you stopped taking the pill, and see what his reaction is.

I would then get an evening/weekend job in a bar or restaurant or something and work when your husband is at home so that you dont have to pay child care but you can save. Hopefully a good few months of saving will help you out. Then after a maternity leave period you'll need to get a job as soon as possible, whether that's a 9-5 job or continuing to work evenings and weekends.

Wow, such double standards. OP just wanted validation that lying and deceit are okay, she has no intention of 'mending things' but carrying on having another child they cannot afford.