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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWB more U to keep cat whilst not liking him, or to rehome him?

194 replies

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:13

This is long, sorry - but I'm in a real quandary over this!

We got a cat about a year ago. Partner grew up with cats and wanted one. I am the polar opposite of a pet person but thought it would do him good as he is not great at expressing his emotions and thought having a pet would give him an outlet for affection etc.

We wanted to get a rescue cat, maybe a bit older, but no shelter would home with us because we had a toddler (she's about 2.5 yrs now, very very gentle but they didn't care). We heard of a lady fostering a rescued kitten via a Facebook page, she checked us out and was happy with us, he came to live with us at about 12 weeks old.

Problems started almost at once - he was very aggressive, kept biting and clawing and attacking our feet every time we came into a room. However we figured that was just kitten behaviour and he'd grow out of it if gently discouraged. It didn't he got worse. When he was old enough we got him neutered and he settled down a bit but not much. We felt persecuted every time I came into a room he was in as I couldn't relax, he was always trying to bite us or scratch us and would never leave us alone. But we persevered as we'd made a commitment, hoped things would improve.

Eventually when he was big enough we fitted a cat flap, and he became much better - spent a lot of time out of the house, and when he did come in was much more relaxed. We make sure he had all vaxes, use Spot-On religiously every 30 days. Thought things were on the mend.

But since summer he has begun shedding hair constantly - literally can't stroke him without huge hanks of hair coming away.

I don't think he's ill - full of beans, very glossy, no thinning of the hair - it just keeps coming! It covers every surface, gets on all our clothes, is clogging the washing machine. It drive my partner (who is very fastidious around the house) INSANE. Doesn't bother me so much, but my partner won't stop moaning and it is ruining our home life as he won't ever just settle down and relax, always chasing the cat around with the brush or chasing me/DD around with the sticky roller. Cat is white so shows up on everything. Means DP is very critical of cat and not very nice to him (not abusive, just won't let him sit on his lap as fur, tries to brush him all the time, doesn't have a kind word for him as so frustrated). I didn't even want a cat so find it hard to be affectionate to him, I had expected DP to do that as he wanted one so much!

Additionally, despite the Spot-On, he has started bringing in fleas. DP and I both regularly bitten, though DD seems immune. Have flea-treated the whole house to no avail (he's only allowed in the kitchen and one other room downstairs now anyway after clawing up the carpets upstairs). Fur I don't mind, but parasites make my flesh crawl.

And he still claws and bites (playfully, but even so) whenever we try to stroke him when he comes to sit on our laps. It's more like having a dog than a cat, he can't amuse himself when we're around, just wants to chase our hands and feet all the time!

Fundamentally, we don't enjoy him, and we shouldn't have got him in the first place. But we did, so I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is as I can't take another decade of the constant bad atmosphere in the house his fur and general behaviour makes with my DP. Nor can I abide the fleas.

So should I:

a) try to rehome him with someone who will love his playful, needy personality (feels irresponsible but has potential to be a good outcome for all of us)

b) turn him into an indoors only cat to deal with the fleas (still leaves the fur problem, and seems cruel as he loves outdoors)

c) restrict him to the kitchen and the outside world via the catflap (controls the fleas and the fur, but doesn't seem much of a life for him as won't get much time with us)

d) Suck it up as it's our own fault for getting him, and be miserable for the next 10-15 years

e) Rehome DP so I don't have to listen to him complaining?

If anyone has any top tips re fleas and/or fur then I'll try anything, but we already brush him all the time and use the Spot On so don't know what else we can do!! If we could get even the fur under control the rest would be bearable I think.

DD doesn't care either way, totally ignores him most of the time.

OP posts:

Zebraaa · 02/10/2019 15:16

I am a massive cat lover but I even I think rehoming him is best as he’ll find people who have the love and patience you and your partner are unable to give him.

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 15:21

Buy a furminator brush.

We've just had a flea epidemic. Spot on won't cut it and you need to do the whole house. I bought a flea comb as well. I'm finally getting on top of it.

You have been irresponsible. You chose a white cat. Ive got black/black-white and a tabby, I'd never get a white cat.

You could look for a good home, but white cats are good for bait, so be really careful.

Indoor/outdoor won't work. Ypu don't want to give him attention when he's in and it'll be too cold soon.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:23

@Zebraaa that's my own view too, but I do worry that's just me letting myself off the hook - will he really be happier? I worry about just handing him over to a shelter not knowing if they'll be able to find a home for him or not, and he doesn't seem unhappy in himself with us. I do take the responsibility quite seriously, and I know people say that you wouldn't rehome a child just because you didn't enjoy all their behaviour. My mum was a massive cat person (one of the reasons I didn't want pets, grew up around way too many of them when I was little) and I know she'd judge me really harshly if she were still alive

OP posts:

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:25

@Ponoka7 check the user name! We already have one and use it all the time. Endless fur.

I know you're right about the white cat. But as I say he was the only cat we could get, no shelters would allow us to home due to DD so we took what we could get. A kitten, and a white kitten at that, was clearly a terrible idea and I'm aware of that.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 02/10/2019 15:30

I can't see any mention of consulting a vet. Perhaps you could do that first.

GoosetheCat · 02/10/2019 15:31

If neither you nor your partner have any affection for the cat then re-home him to a family that will give him the love and attention he deserves. Just don't get another cat.

My cat has thick fur and malts pretty much all the time 🤷 Annoying but I love her so it's worth it.

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 15:34

So basically you got a cat and were then annoyed when he behaved like a cat. I can't believe you got a cat not realising it might shed fur or get fleas sometimes and also that you didn't realise not all cats have the same personality.

I do think you'd be better off rehoming him via a cat welfare charity.

Please don't get any more pets - neither you nor your partner should be keeping animals if you can't research or cope with the realities of owning them.

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 15:34

no shelters would allow us to home

I'm not surprised. You're not the right people to own a cat.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:36

Believe me, we will never get a pet of any kind again. I was foolish to allow us to get this one. I knew I wouldn't like it, but my partner told me he had always had cats as a boy, loved cats, and I believed him. Forgive me for being stupid enough to think he knew what he was talking about.

OP posts:

Ludways · 02/10/2019 15:36

So you dislike him because he's aggressive but chase him with a brush and push him off when he's affectionate?

Yes, let him go somewhere else and don't get another.

ilovesooty · 02/10/2019 15:37

Yes I agree with those who say it would be best if you don't take on the responsibility of pet ownership again.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:37

@incognito76 that's below the belt. We never contacted or met any of them, we went purely on the websites which said they would not home any of their cats with under-10-year-olds or similar age limits. So we were ruled out because of having a toddler, not because they could see into our evil, cold dead hearts

OP posts:

whiskersonkittenss · 02/10/2019 15:37

front line spot on is not a good flea treatment. i think fleas are immune to that brand now, advantage is the one that's always worked for my cats. treat the house with indorex spray if you haven't already.
I'd keep him, but then I love cats and I have a male cat quite like this.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:38

@Ludways No, I don't. My partner does. I stroke him when he comes near me and try to make time for him, not because I want to but because I feel like someone should. So please don't make out I'm some sort of ogre.

OP posts:

StarKazan · 02/10/2019 15:39

Do you use frontline flea treatment? The fleas in my area are now immune to it. I changed to advantage and it stopped the fleas. Moulting...I’ve noticed in the last few years that they no longer just mould in springtime. Temperature is so all over the place and that mine can shed any time of year nowadays xx

ilovesooty · 02/10/2019 15:39

Everyone in a household needs to be on board to get a pet. You're as culpable as he is.

Tavannach · 02/10/2019 15:39

Maybe he's stressed because he doesn't like you either!
I'd try and rehome him, although that might be difficult if he's aggressive.
I know some people don't like them but flea collars from the pet shop always worked for our cats.

MrsRufusdog789 · 02/10/2019 15:40

I'd contact the lady who fostered him . I wonder if either of his parents were feral ? Might explain all the biting and scratching he's still partial to . It's a pity but it sounds like cat and family are a bad match .
If you rehome him ( cat ) make sure you treat house for fleas ( take advice on timing as the flea eggs hatch on a cycle )

GoosetheCat · 02/10/2019 15:40

You can't say that your DP should have known what he was doing. A pet is a family responsibility! If you didn't want one you shouldn't have had one. Rescues have policies and procedures in place for a good reason, to stop this sort of thing happening. Imagine rescuing the poor cat from a rescue shelter only to return it again because 'it has fur and it malts'. It's not fair on the cat.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:41

@ilovesooty what would I be asking the vet though? He's healthy and happy by all appearances, his coat is thick and healthy despite the shedding, he's a good weight, and the 'naughtiness' I think is just part of his nature - he's always been like that. It's calmed down since he was tiny and I daresay it will continue to do so. There's nothing wrong with him I don't think. We just made a mistake.

OP posts:

MrMeSeeks · 02/10/2019 15:41

What flea f are you using? If its frontline or anything containing Fipronil then stop wasting your money as they dont work a fleas are immune.
Try advantage or advocate.
Have you taken the cat too the Vet?
Fur loss like this can be a sign of problems, ( including temperament) such as thyroid problems

Zampa · 02/10/2019 15:42

Go to the vet about the fleas and get a more effective treatment. It will be more expensive but it will kill the fleas.

MrMeSeeks · 02/10/2019 15:42

Btw weightloss maybe not become a problem until health problems have really kicked in.

Original poster

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:42

@StarKazan we do use Frontline. Maybe I could try something else to deal with the fleas. Thanks for that!

OP posts:

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 02/10/2019 15:43

Rehome him. He deserves better. There’s a home out there that will love & adore him.

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