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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWB more U to keep cat whilst not liking him, or to rehome him?

194 replies

TheFurminator · 02/10/2019 15:13

This is long, sorry - but I'm in a real quandary over this!

We got a cat about a year ago. Partner grew up with cats and wanted one. I am the polar opposite of a pet person but thought it would do him good as he is not great at expressing his emotions and thought having a pet would give him an outlet for affection etc.

We wanted to get a rescue cat, maybe a bit older, but no shelter would home with us because we had a toddler (she's about 2.5 yrs now, very very gentle but they didn't care). We heard of a lady fostering a rescued kitten via a Facebook page, she checked us out and was happy with us, he came to live with us at about 12 weeks old.

Problems started almost at once - he was very aggressive, kept biting and clawing and attacking our feet every time we came into a room. However we figured that was just kitten behaviour and he'd grow out of it if gently discouraged. It didn't he got worse. When he was old enough we got him neutered and he settled down a bit but not much. We felt persecuted every time I came into a room he was in as I couldn't relax, he was always trying to bite us or scratch us and would never leave us alone. But we persevered as we'd made a commitment, hoped things would improve.

Eventually when he was big enough we fitted a cat flap, and he became much better - spent a lot of time out of the house, and when he did come in was much more relaxed. We make sure he had all vaxes, use Spot-On religiously every 30 days. Thought things were on the mend.

But since summer he has begun shedding hair constantly - literally can't stroke him without huge hanks of hair coming away.

I don't think he's ill - full of beans, very glossy, no thinning of the hair - it just keeps coming! It covers every surface, gets on all our clothes, is clogging the washing machine. It drive my partner (who is very fastidious around the house) INSANE. Doesn't bother me so much, but my partner won't stop moaning and it is ruining our home life as he won't ever just settle down and relax, always chasing the cat around with the brush or chasing me/DD around with the sticky roller. Cat is white so shows up on everything. Means DP is very critical of cat and not very nice to him (not abusive, just won't let him sit on his lap as fur, tries to brush him all the time, doesn't have a kind word for him as so frustrated). I didn't even want a cat so find it hard to be affectionate to him, I had expected DP to do that as he wanted one so much!

Additionally, despite the Spot-On, he has started bringing in fleas. DP and I both regularly bitten, though DD seems immune. Have flea-treated the whole house to no avail (he's only allowed in the kitchen and one other room downstairs now anyway after clawing up the carpets upstairs). Fur I don't mind, but parasites make my flesh crawl.

And he still claws and bites (playfully, but even so) whenever we try to stroke him when he comes to sit on our laps. It's more like having a dog than a cat, he can't amuse himself when we're around, just wants to chase our hands and feet all the time!

Fundamentally, we don't enjoy him, and we shouldn't have got him in the first place. But we did, so I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is as I can't take another decade of the constant bad atmosphere in the house his fur and general behaviour makes with my DP. Nor can I abide the fleas.

So should I:

a) try to rehome him with someone who will love his playful, needy personality (feels irresponsible but has potential to be a good outcome for all of us)

b) turn him into an indoors only cat to deal with the fleas (still leaves the fur problem, and seems cruel as he loves outdoors)

c) restrict him to the kitchen and the outside world via the catflap (controls the fleas and the fur, but doesn't seem much of a life for him as won't get much time with us)

d) Suck it up as it's our own fault for getting him, and be miserable for the next 10-15 years

e) Rehome DP so I don't have to listen to him complaining? Grin

If anyone has any top tips re fleas and/or fur then I'll try anything, but we already brush him all the time and use the Spot On so don't know what else we can do!! If we could get even the fur under control the rest would be bearable I think.

DD doesn't care either way, totally ignores him most of the time.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 08:42

I said it slow downs, not stops.

I know. That’s what I responded to. Your house may be cold in winter, but in general, most people’s houses in are warmer in winter than the outside temperature, hence why cats moult all year round.

gamerchick · 03/10/2019 08:54

So you're telling me that all cats moult at the same rate all year around like they do when shedding their winter coat? Hmm

gamerchick · 03/10/2019 08:57

Actually don't answer that, I seen you've been determined to make the OP out to be some sort of shitty person throughout this thread. Agenda.

GoosetheCat · 03/10/2019 09:01

Gamer chick I think some users forget that the OP is an actual person and set out to make them feel like crap.

FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 09:03

I’m not making her out to be anything that isn’t obvious from her own posts.

FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 09:04

So you're telling me that all cats moult at the same rate all year around

No, that’s not what I posted - try reading it again.

GoosetheCat · 03/10/2019 09:06

The OP made a mistake, and is now trying to do what's best for the cat. She openly admits in her OP she isn't a pet person. She's obviously damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Dongdingdong · 03/10/2019 09:11

The OP made a mistake, and is now trying to do what's best for the cat.

As I said in my previous post, I don’t see how “what’s best for the cat” is offloading it on to a rescue centre where it might spend years or even the rest of its life in a cage.

Tavannach · 03/10/2019 09:11

I hope it works out. He looks happy and healthy and I'm sure the vet will be able to help. He's young so bound to be playful so toys will help. Good luck, OP.

Damntheman · 03/10/2019 09:18

Is she, though Yes it seems that she is. She's openly asking for advice on how to handle this better, she didn't have to do that. Don't be a dick.

Teacakeandalatte · 03/10/2019 09:22

E) rehome dp.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 03/10/2019 09:39

I have read this thread all the way through, more than once and I am very conflicted about most issues.

On the one hand, there is some evidence this cat wasn't socialised as a kitten and may be a little feral. However, in terms of actual behaviour at the moment, the cat doesn't actually sound feral. He sounds like a cat who wants to play and doesn't get played with enough to stay calm when it happens.

OP, get a laser pointer cat toy, so the cat has something to chase that isn't your feet. They sell them in Wilkinsons and online.

The only issue I'm really certain about is that the OP's husband hasn't had the childhood experience with cats he claimed. Cats aren't anywhere as aloof as their press makes out. In a family home, if they like/trust you, they will follow you around all day in between naps! Cats are popular British pets because they can be extremely affectionate, and they are always cute. They make pleasant noises when you give them attention, exercise themselves, and don't chew your house to pieces when left alone. But a cat left alone for much of the day is likely to make up for it when you do get back!

GoosetheCat · 03/10/2019 09:40

@Dongdingdong Right. She should keep a cat that could possibly be miserable because it's being constantly chased by DP to be brushed and shoved off his lap. Or she could contact a rescue, who know what they are doing, who would be in the best position to vet a new home.

I know what I would do. She's trying her best, regardless of whether you see it.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 03/10/2019 09:47

I think the husband needs retraining. With moulting cats, I park them in my lap and brush them there. Cats like being groomed, just like they like being stroked, if you're gentle and considerate about it!

I did that with my first cat, even. You don't need years of experience to do it.

Dongdingdong · 03/10/2019 09:48

I completely disagree @GoosetheCat and if you think dumping a cat in a rescue centre (one of the most stressful environments a cat can be in, with no guaranteed chance of a home) is what’s best for the cat then I suggest you don’t get any pets either.

gamerchick · 03/10/2019 09:52

No, that’s not what I posted - try reading it again

No, just splitting hairs for some reason only known to you.

GoosetheCat · 03/10/2019 10:57

@Dongdingdong thanks 👍 But I'm pretty sure both my rescue cats and rescue dog would disagree, so maybe tone down the patronising eh?

I've worked in animal rescue all my working life, and recently left due to having DS. So I know how stressful a rescue environment can be. I'm talking from experience. They're not the best place no, but rescues work damn hard to get every animal the home they deserve. And if this cat isn't in the best home for it, maybe it deserves another chance.

SuzieSunshine · 03/10/2019 11:01

@gamerchick Can I ask how you got your cat by 'accident'? A local cat adopted us about 3 years ago and turned up every day for food so I fell in love with him and fed him as I thought he was a stray. Took him to the vets and it turned out he lived in a house a stone's throw from us with three other cats so he'd left home!! Also turns out he had at least 5 other homes in our road that fed him. His little face made me really happy and he bought me great joy when he was alive and I still really really miss him. I am so close to getting another cat but I can't go through watching them get ill and having to be PTS. Breaks my heart!!

Original poster
TheFurminator · 03/10/2019 11:05

@FamilyOfAliens clearly thinks I can't do right for doing wrong so I'll leave it there I think. I really appreciate the people who have been kind and offered good advice. As I say, if I were confident I could give him to a good loving home I would, but as I know shelters often can't find homes for cats or put them down if they can't, I'd rather not take that risk.

If we did re-home him anywhere it would likely be with my MIL who lives on a farm - but she has two dogs as well as three other cats, including one boy, and she's worried either the tom cat or the younger dog might not take to him which I can understand - and I don't want to mess him about if it might either put him at risk or not work out.

I'm really not a horrible person, but I do understand that for someone who innately adores animals it can be hard to understand people who don't, and even harder to understand why such a person would get one (I acknowledge it was a foolish thing to do). If it had been a child assuring me they would love and accomodate a pet cat, I would not have got one because on the off chance they turned out not to, it would be me who would have to take on the job and I agree you shouldn't take on a pet you aren't sure you are going to really love. But as it was a grown man who did grow up with cats telling me that this was what he wanted, I believed him, and thought love from one person and practical care and a reasonable level of kindness from the other would be enough. So lesson learned.

In all honesty, DP thought DD was the 'wrong kind of baby' when she arrived a clingy, sick-y non-sleeper instead of a cute easygoing little bundle of joy like all our friends appeared to have, so I really should have anticipated we'd probably end up with the 'wrong kind of cat' too (through no fault of either the baby's or the cat's!). He's come round to the baby now she's an amusing toddler, so here's hoping he comes round to the cat as well in due course.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFurminator · 03/10/2019 11:06

If I were confident I could find him a good loving home that should have said.

OP posts:
SuzieSunshine · 03/10/2019 11:10

What area, roughly, do you live OP?

Original poster
TheFurminator · 03/10/2019 11:11

Midlands @SuzieSunshine

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/10/2019 11:58

gamerchick Can I ask how you got your cat by 'accident'?

I got a phone call one Sunday from someone asking me to check on their kitten. She has been in hospital since the Wednesday morning. Didn't tell me and I was the only person to have a key to her property. I flew down there expecting to find a body tbh. Instead I found this 6 month old cat who climbed up me like a money up a stick, clearly traumatised from being left on her own all week.

I didn't have the heart to take her to a shelter.

gamerchick · 03/10/2019 11:59

*monkey

Tavannach · 03/10/2019 12:06

The cat isn't miserable. If he was he would leave. I do think he needs to be played with. A laser's a brilliant idea. DD would probably enjoy playing with the cat with one. Maybe even DH.

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