WWB more U to keep cat whilst not liking him, or to rehome him?

[TheFurminator]

This is long, sorry - but I'm in a real quandary over this!

We got a cat about a year ago. Partner grew up with cats and wanted one. I am the polar opposite of a pet person but thought it would do him good as he is not great at expressing his emotions and thought having a pet would give him an outlet for affection etc.

We wanted to get a rescue cat, maybe a bit older, but no shelter would home with us because we had a toddler (she's about 2.5 yrs now, very very gentle but they didn't care). We heard of a lady fostering a rescued kitten via a Facebook page, she checked us out and was happy with us, he came to live with us at about 12 weeks old.

Problems started almost at once - he was very aggressive, kept biting and clawing and attacking our feet every time we came into a room. However we figured that was just kitten behaviour and he'd grow out of it if gently discouraged. It didn't he got worse. When he was old enough we got him neutered and he settled down a bit but not much. We felt persecuted every time I came into a room he was in as I couldn't relax, he was always trying to bite us or scratch us and would never leave us alone. But we persevered as we'd made a commitment, hoped things would improve.

Eventually when he was big enough we fitted a cat flap, and he became much better - spent a lot of time out of the house, and when he did come in was much more relaxed. We make sure he had all vaxes, use Spot-On religiously every 30 days. Thought things were on the mend.

But since summer he has begun shedding hair constantly - literally can't stroke him without huge hanks of hair coming away.

I don't think he's ill - full of beans, very glossy, no thinning of the hair - it just keeps coming! It covers every surface, gets on all our clothes, is clogging the washing machine. It drive my partner (who is very fastidious around the house) INSANE. Doesn't bother me so much, but my partner won't stop moaning and it is ruining our home life as he won't ever just settle down and relax, always chasing the cat around with the brush or chasing me/DD around with the sticky roller. Cat is white so shows up on everything. Means DP is very critical of cat and not very nice to him (not abusive, just won't let him sit on his lap as fur, tries to brush him all the time, doesn't have a kind word for him as so frustrated). I didn't even want a cat so find it hard to be affectionate to him, I had expected DP to do that as he wanted one so much!

Additionally, despite the Spot-On, he has started bringing in fleas. DP and I both regularly bitten, though DD seems immune. Have flea-treated the whole house to no avail (he's only allowed in the kitchen and one other room downstairs now anyway after clawing up the carpets upstairs). Fur I don't mind, but parasites make my flesh crawl.

And he still claws and bites (playfully, but even so) whenever we try to stroke him when he comes to sit on our laps. It's more like having a dog than a cat, he can't amuse himself when we're around, just wants to chase our hands and feet all the time!

Fundamentally, we don't enjoy him, and we shouldn't have got him in the first place. But we did, so I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is as I can't take another decade of the constant bad atmosphere in the house his fur and general behaviour makes with my DP. Nor can I abide the fleas.

So should I:

a) try to rehome him with someone who will love his playful, needy personality (feels irresponsible but has potential to be a good outcome for all of us)

b) turn him into an indoors only cat to deal with the fleas (still leaves the fur problem, and seems cruel as he loves outdoors)

c) restrict him to the kitchen and the outside world via the catflap (controls the fleas and the fur, but doesn't seem much of a life for him as won't get much time with us)

d) Suck it up as it's our own fault for getting him, and be miserable for the next 10-15 years

e) Rehome DP so I don't have to listen to him complaining?

If anyone has any top tips re fleas and/or fur then I'll try anything, but we already brush him all the time and use the Spot On so don't know what else we can do!! If we could get even the fur under control the rest would be bearable I think.

DD doesn't care either way, totally ignores him most of the time.

Front line is no good, I read that fleas have developed immunity. I use Advantage. I think you should rehome. You're not cat people. Does he have any toys, he's probably still playbiting out of never having other options.

I sympathise, we've just had fleas and felt like I wanted to burn the house down over-dramatic
We went to our vet (vets4pets) and they do a great plan, we paid £110 as we have a big cat...covering flea, worm and vaccines for the year, plus a free health check. We'd originally booked him for the health check, because we knew they'd 'diagnose' fleas and prescribe Advocate, which they said they would over the phone, and bought the plan after the appointment.

You can make it work, many more experienced posters have put things already. But if you're happy to put some work in I'm sure you can have a much more content house. It won't be an overnight change though.

I feel I'm the opposite to you though. We got a lovely rescue but he's nothing like my previous cats. He's much more my partners cat than mine. I thought I'd have nice lap cuddles and super cute photos whereas instead I have night time feet attacks under the quilt and waking up for breakfast. He is lovely though and I hope hes happy here!

Complementary cat snap too

It’s not enough just to not mistreat an animal. You have to actively like them and enjoy their company, and want to spend time communicating and interacting with them.

Please rehome him. He deserves better.

@CSIblonde he's got loads of toys, scratchpost, until lately a cat gym. He's not neglected!!

@familyofaliens but how can you possibly know you're going to actively like them until you have them? People are always on here saying they didn't know how hard having children would be and they're struggling to enjoy it, and people are usually full of sympathy! Why is someone particularly reprehensible because they struggle with a cat?

To the poster who said they look after themselves, that was apparently DP's experience of cats before - quite aloof, just came up for evening strokes on laps mainly. He's quite surprised by how much this one wants to play and interact.

I swear the cat has been on Mumsnet though - he's come in today so chilled out, snuggling away, and he's not even shedding as much as this morning

It's easy to dwell on the downsides I suppose when life has other stresses... Going to take the advice above, give it another few months and then see.

My cat was taken to a rescue with his 3 siblings at 10 weeks. I had him and his brother while his sisters were homed together.

They hadn't been socialised and were wary, I kept them in till they were about 4 months.I kept one till he was nearly 16 and the other is now 18 and fast asleep beside me. He will come upstairs with me and often cuddles into my back at night. He still goes out a lot during the day.

My vet has a pet plan paid monthly which includes 2 visits, flea and worming treatment and annual injections. The temperature us still 20° in the house so he is moulting as he doesn't need his winter coat. I comb him every day. He has a treatment for fleas that last 3 months which works fine.

Sorry should have said I use Stronghold not Frontline

Here's my advice -

1. Consult vet to get rid of fleas effectively both in cat and eggs in the house. Follow meticulously and then use vet recommended flea brand (I use advantage and never had fleas)

1. Speak to vet about behaviour issues but the kitten like behaviour I found calmed down a lot after 12 months. My cats are now 6 and their personality is very mellow now, they just pad about and sleep.

1. Furminator brush with treats as a reward 3 times a week.

1. Tell your dh to grow up. He wanted the cat so needs to adapt to it.

I'm a great believer in pet owners taking responsibility for their pets rather than adding to the many animals that need rehoming.

Have you been to the vet? Losing hair - inflammation - my cat's inflammation improved once she had some dental work.

It sounds like he just wants some attention poor kitty.

My first cat was an orphaned feral kitten, I loved him dearly but he never did totally grow out of the attacking peoples feet, nor did his litter mates (who were all homed within my family) but I had a little mouse on a string toy and after a bit of playing with that each day he used to calm down and leave my toes alone for the evening.

Once he stopped attacking us he did start bringing a lot of live small creatures in and depositing them at my feet though, which was possibly worse than the toe nipping.

If you wait until he is a bit older and maybe a bit calmer would you grow to love him? From what you've written I think you have just genuinely made a mistake and he would be far happier in a new home where people would have more time for him and not resent his cat-like behaviour!! It seems like you are a caring person otherwise you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of posting about it. I don't like the fact that your DP chases him - I think that's really mean and unnecessary but yes def go down the route of rehoming him so he can be a 'cat' with people who will love him. Not being judgemental but think it's best all round. Good luck!!

Sorry TheFurminator you lost me at 'we don't enjoy him and we feel persecuted'

A pet shouldn’t be just for your enjoyment but should be part of the family.

I’ve had cats that needed love and time spent with them to make them feel safe. You don’t seem to be able to offer this to this poor cat

I would never have a cat, but on all the ‘should I rehome my pet’ posts, there’s never a new home, they mean adding the animal to the overflowing rescue populations, all rescues struggle hard to find anyone who wants an adult cat or dog, there might be an occasional offer of a home but not reliably or often, and the previous owners don’t fund the burden of the cost of the care and housing of their animal until it’s either rehomed or ‘put down’. I guess I’m just saying threads should be worded ‘should I make a charity take on my pet/should I leave my pet in the local rescue’ because there probably won’t be any ‘rehoming’ happening. (If anyone wants to argue, feel free to look up the statistics on unwanted animals killed in uk pounds and kill charities each year. There is not endless room and funding for all the unwanted animals being bred.)

@clitoria I don't think anyone wants to argue what weird wording.

Obviously a lot of charities and rescues are overcrowded and underfunded, but sometimes there are genuine reasons for having to re-home a pet. Unfortunately, it sometimes can't be helped.

Totally agree with Clitoria. And her wording isn’t “weird” at all @GoosetheCat

Obviously a lot of charities and rescues are overcrowded and underfunded, but sometimes there are genuine reasons for having to re-home a pet. Unfortunately, it sometimes can't be helped.

Yes there are sometimes genuine reasons for rehoming, but I can’t see any issues in the original post that can’t be easily resolved with a bit of effort. But OP - if you and your DP can live with the fact that your cat may never be rehomed and could spend the rest of its life in a cage, then by all means drop it off at the local rescue centre. Like Clitoria said though, these places are overflowing and massively under pressure, so I hope you make a hefty donation.

Rehome your DP, the cat wins every time for me

Frontline doesn’t work, our (amazing) vets recommended Advocat and we haven’t had a single flea in the months since.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like you have much of a bond with your cat. Both mine are rescues so I know cats can go on to have very happy homes via rescue centres but there’s always the case they will not be popular for adoption and stuck there for months on end.

but how can you possibly know you're going to actively like them until you have them?

I can’t believe you asked this question! It’s because if you are the right person to have a cat as a pet, you know you’ll make the effort to socialise the cat and respond to its needs to make it happy.

You seem to think it’s the cat’s responsibility to make itself likeable to you. Even your update is about the cat coming to you for affection. Don’t forget if your cat becomes ill or develops a lifelong condition, it may become less (to you) likeable, through no fault of its own.

So in my view, you and your DH aren’t cat people and this cat would be better off with owners who are.

He looks happy to me in the photo OP! I've had cats for 30 years and I nearly always prefer boy cats over girls, they're usually much more loving and sweet.

He is just playing with you OP. But I would recommend curbing the scratching and biting. Stroke him but when he bites or claws you say a firm no and immediately take your hand away. Play time stops. Every time. He is from a feral litter so may take a little work but it'll be worth it.

The shedding is normal, I wonder how your cat lover husband coped with it before if he can't now?

Rehome him if you feel he's making your life miserable but I do think these issues are solvable. Don't listen to those being harsh, you're doing your best and reaching out for help shows you care.

It was more the 'if you want to argue' that came across as a bit goady.

And the OP has stated that her DP's behaviour is unlikely to change, and at the moment is chasing the cat constantly to brush him or shoving him off his lap. She did say in her update that his behaviour won't change toward the cat and her talking to him won't make much of a difference. That in itself could be stressing the cat out.

At the end of the day, if the cat isn't happy and the OP and her DP genuinely dislike him, the kindest thing to do would be to re-home him to a rescue that will do a home check and find him a loving home.

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time. Rehoming sounds the best idea and dont feel any guilt. I foster dogs, and sometimes they are just not a good fit, even though theres nothing wrong with them.
You and your cat are a bad fit, so rehome him and move on.
Just dont get another!

Don't listen to those being harsh, you're doing your best

Is she, though? OP doesn’t like the cat, neither does her DP, she only softened when the cat slightly changed its behaviour - she didn’t change hers. And this is when the cat is young and healthy. I dread to think how annoying she and her DP would find a sick or injured cat.

Tbh OP I can understand. We got a cat by accident, I'm not a fan of cats (still not a fan). I've learned that cats are arseholes in the past 5 years. But I took her on and this is her home despite the cat allergy I developed.

I use a plug in, the cheaper version of felaway works just as well. Go to the vets for weighing and use something like advocate. Indorex in the house (don't spray the cat) put a flea collar in your hoover bag (don't use it on the cat though, they can be dangerous). Now it's getting colder the shedding should slow down ready to torment you in the spring.

Finally and it might sound corny, I watched a zillion hours of cats from hell by Jackson galaxy. I learned all about cats as their behaviour. It might be worth you and your bloke giving it a shot.

Now it's getting colder the shedding should slow down ready to torment you in the spring.

Our vet told me cats shed all year round because when it stops being warm outside, we put the central heating on.

Not in my house it doesn't. Too small a radiators for a massive house. I woke up one morning to have a none lap cat curled up on my boobs once.

I said it slow downs, not stops. Seriously the things people pick out of posts