WWB more U to keep cat whilst not liking him, or to rehome him?

[TheFurminator]

This is long, sorry - but I'm in a real quandary over this!

We got a cat about a year ago. Partner grew up with cats and wanted one. I am the polar opposite of a pet person but thought it would do him good as he is not great at expressing his emotions and thought having a pet would give him an outlet for affection etc.

We wanted to get a rescue cat, maybe a bit older, but no shelter would home with us because we had a toddler (she's about 2.5 yrs now, very very gentle but they didn't care). We heard of a lady fostering a rescued kitten via a Facebook page, she checked us out and was happy with us, he came to live with us at about 12 weeks old.

Problems started almost at once - he was very aggressive, kept biting and clawing and attacking our feet every time we came into a room. However we figured that was just kitten behaviour and he'd grow out of it if gently discouraged. It didn't he got worse. When he was old enough we got him neutered and he settled down a bit but not much. We felt persecuted every time I came into a room he was in as I couldn't relax, he was always trying to bite us or scratch us and would never leave us alone. But we persevered as we'd made a commitment, hoped things would improve.

Eventually when he was big enough we fitted a cat flap, and he became much better - spent a lot of time out of the house, and when he did come in was much more relaxed. We make sure he had all vaxes, use Spot-On religiously every 30 days. Thought things were on the mend.

But since summer he has begun shedding hair constantly - literally can't stroke him without huge hanks of hair coming away.

I don't think he's ill - full of beans, very glossy, no thinning of the hair - it just keeps coming! It covers every surface, gets on all our clothes, is clogging the washing machine. It drive my partner (who is very fastidious around the house) INSANE. Doesn't bother me so much, but my partner won't stop moaning and it is ruining our home life as he won't ever just settle down and relax, always chasing the cat around with the brush or chasing me/DD around with the sticky roller. Cat is white so shows up on everything. Means DP is very critical of cat and not very nice to him (not abusive, just won't let him sit on his lap as fur, tries to brush him all the time, doesn't have a kind word for him as so frustrated). I didn't even want a cat so find it hard to be affectionate to him, I had expected DP to do that as he wanted one so much!

Additionally, despite the Spot-On, he has started bringing in fleas. DP and I both regularly bitten, though DD seems immune. Have flea-treated the whole house to no avail (he's only allowed in the kitchen and one other room downstairs now anyway after clawing up the carpets upstairs). Fur I don't mind, but parasites make my flesh crawl.

And he still claws and bites (playfully, but even so) whenever we try to stroke him when he comes to sit on our laps. It's more like having a dog than a cat, he can't amuse himself when we're around, just wants to chase our hands and feet all the time!

Fundamentally, we don't enjoy him, and we shouldn't have got him in the first place. But we did, so I'm trying to work out what the best thing to do is as I can't take another decade of the constant bad atmosphere in the house his fur and general behaviour makes with my DP. Nor can I abide the fleas.

So should I:

a) try to rehome him with someone who will love his playful, needy personality (feels irresponsible but has potential to be a good outcome for all of us)

b) turn him into an indoors only cat to deal with the fleas (still leaves the fur problem, and seems cruel as he loves outdoors)

c) restrict him to the kitchen and the outside world via the catflap (controls the fleas and the fur, but doesn't seem much of a life for him as won't get much time with us)

d) Suck it up as it's our own fault for getting him, and be miserable for the next 10-15 years

e) Rehome DP so I don't have to listen to him complaining?

If anyone has any top tips re fleas and/or fur then I'll try anything, but we already brush him all the time and use the Spot On so don't know what else we can do!! If we could get even the fur under control the rest would be bearable I think.

DD doesn't care either way, totally ignores him most of the time.

They're not the best place no, but rescues work damn hard to get every animal the home they deserve.

Of course they work hard - no one would dispute that. But I'm amazed that as someone who claims to have worked in one, you don't seem to be aware that cats can take years to rehome, especially older ones. Putting a cat in that situation is not doing the best by the cat - it's putting yet more of a burden on our overstretched rescue centres and also subjecting the cat to a very stressful environment.

In my opinion the OP has not tried her best for this cat - she's (understandably) upset that the cat has fleas but hasn't even called the vet to ask for advice or alternative treatments, as far as I can tell from her posts.

Oh, and the DP chasing the cat around with a brush sounds like it's just adding to the stress of the situation

The cat isn't miserable.

Exactly, of course he's not - from what the OP has said the cat sounds perfectly fine. But he will be miserable if/when he's packed off to the rescue centre for months/years by the OP.

Tbh OP, I'm more annoyed at your partner than you, because at least you're self-aware enough to admit you're not a big cat person, and you want to do right by the cat. I can't comment about fleas but I think you'd be better off rehoming him as he sounds like he might have issues and need a more experienced owner. My boy is a traumatised cat and he bites and scratches - he was abused by a former owner's kids, so he had to go to a childless home. I am a bit scared of him at times but accept that it isn't personal, just the result of trauma. Your cat might have come from a similar background.

Someone mentioned girl cats being easier than boys, and I'm surprised because my brother's cats are the other way round. He has a boy and a girl. The boy cat is lovely but the girl cat isn't, she's terrified of humans and she mauled my brother when he tried to brush her recently.

The home where I got my cat gave me Nutracalm to sprinkle on his food, maybe try that?

Also, laser pens are your friend. I've got one and my cat loves it.

@Dongdingdong I've seen people re-home pets for stupid reasons. I've seen people re-home pets for genuine, heartbreaking reasons. I try not to judge people based on their situations, and offer advice rather than condemn them.

The OP stated that the DP is constantly chasing the cat, trying to brush it. One of my cats is long haired, and she hates being brushed. It stresses her out. But it has to be done.

And I'm very aware of the rehoming process and the difficulties pets face. My dog spent 7 years in kennels. She's been with us for 4 years. She was a very difficult dog to re-home due to behaviour issues. Our long haired cat spent 5 years because of a medical problem. Yes, they sometimes spend a long time in kennels/rescues, but what would you suggest? Leave a cat living in a house where the owners want nothing to do with said cat and the cat wasn't happy? Why not give it a chance somewhere else?

You have your opinions, I have mine.

Is he neutered? If not he should be as this will impact in his behaviour. If he is then you could try a feliway plug in - this helps to calm cats down and may help with his "naughtiness". Alternatively, I think rehoming may be best for him.

I could imagine going to your MIL on a farm would be a decent last-ditch option if none of the tips people have given you work.

A lot of mine have been mentioned before:

• a flea spot-on from the vet like Bravecto or Stronghold, but not Frontline. Blast the house with Indorex, concentrating on hoovering the skirting boards to suck up flea eggs and then throwing away the bag or cleaning out the plastic dustcylinder.

• try Zylkene from the vet as an alternative to reduce stress (which might be exacerbating his fur loss). At the same time check that there's no underlying health issues like thyroid.

• definitely get him onto food with high meat content and grain free. Felix is awful stuff. Our DCat was an appalling farter with smelly poo until we revised his diet. It might help yours to lose less fur.

• tell your DP to give his head a wobble. His attitude to kids and cats really stinks - and you seem to be left with the problem to solve. White cats DO shed more visibly than other cats, I suspect. But it's naive to think that an animal (or baby) will just 'be there' in the background with no issues. He needs to grow up and accept that.

• get your cat some high-up safe spots to hang out, like a floor to ceiling cat tree or the top of a bookcase.

• as PP has mentioned, watch some Jackson Galaxy videos about behavioral issues.

Wishing you luck with all this - and thanks for taking the trouble with him to sort out the issues.

I've seen people re-home pets for stupid reasons. I've seen people re-home pets for genuine, heartbreaking reasons.

Yup - and this is the former. Like I say, the cat could spend the rest of its life in a cage and might never find new owners. That is the reality. If you would be happy to have that on your conscience then good for you - I certainly wouldn’t. If you have a pet, you take responsibility for it for life and leave the rescue centre spaces for the cats who are really in need. End of.

tell your DP to give his head a wobble. His attitude to kids and cats really stinks - and you seem to be left with the problem to solve.

I agree. Why don’t you just tell your partner to calm down and leave the cat alone? He sounds like the one causing half the stress to be honest.

@Dongdingdong okay, so if the OP decides it's best for her family that they get rid of the cat, what do they do? If she feels in herself she can't confidently re-home the cat to the right home where it will be safe and loved, what then?

Should she just shut him outside and forget he ever existed? Would that be favourable than being rehomed through a rescue?

I feel really sorry for you OP. It sounds like you went into this perhaps naively but with the best intentions and I don't think you deserve the tirade of snarky comments you've gotten here. Sadly I do not have any advice for you but I wish you and your cat the best possible outcome and hope you aren't too hard on yourself- people make mistakes!

Your post is much too long. It's obvirus from the first two lines you are not suitable cat parents.
Rehome through a good animal charity and he will be adopted by someone like me. I adopt hard to home cats.
Everyone will be much happier both your family and the cat.

If the cat bites and scratches it may well not find a new home very quickly at all, and spend a lot time in the shelter- many of which are very full. Something to consider when deciding what to do

White cats DO shed more visibly than other cats, I suspect.

I am not sure about that - we have a black medium hair, who leaves tufts of black fur all over the carpets! Believe me, black really shows up!

However I have lived with cats all my life and see it as a minor inconvenience, compared to the joys of having a placid, docile, affectionate cat who just wants to be cuddled all day! A ex feral kitten, who has only scratched us once in 4 years and that was because we were trying to catch her to take to the cattery and she knew it!

I never let kittens play with hands or feet though - we use squishy balls to distract them off us, as toys!

Really considering your DP said he grew up with cats, he appears imo to have no understanding of them at all? Why did he get one!

OP, considering all the difficulties and the fact that you're not a cat lover, I think you've been pretty patient. If you're going to keep the cat, I think your DH needs to change his attitude and take a bit more responsibility regarding keeping the cat entertained, and showing him the affection he craves.

It's true that white hair shows up more than most other colours when it gets on clothing, particularly on anything black, which many people wear a lot of (eg. many men wear black trousers for work), so maybe you and DH could get into the habit of wearing light coloured casual clothing indoors, when you are going to have close contact with the cat. Best wash those "cat time" clothes seperately to dark coloured clothes. Sellotape wrapped around the hand is great for removing pet hair.

Toys and laser pens all sound good to use up some of your cat's energy, and cats sleep for around 18 hours a day so it's not like he needs entertaining all day long. Also, once your cat has matured a little and leaves its kittenhood behind, he probably will calm down a bit.

Fleas - treat the house and cat with products that others have recommended upthread and you can solve this problem.

Finally, maybe get your DH to read this thread, so he realises that this problem is one where he needs to step up and help, rather than just obsessing over the hairs. I'm allergic to cats so would have problems in that situation, but unless he is allergic he is overreacting about an issue that is pretty much par for the course when you have a cat.

Maybe give it 6 months and rethink the situation. The cat will still be young then, so hopefully could be rehomed if things dont work out. Good luck OP.

PS - I got a Dyson animal vacuum cleaner!

YANBU
People are allowed to change their minds about pets. This isn't the right cat for you at this time. Get him rehomed.

goose ffs, the point is that it probably won’t ‘get a chance’ in a rescue, it would just sit stressed in a cage/run thing for years if it gets a charity that doesn’t kill them. Finding homes for adult animals is not a common occurrence. Why did you say no one wants to argue with my point, and then go on to argue about it? -that’s a rhetorical question, I have less than no interest in reading anything else you type.

@Clitoria Okay 👍

What's wrong with white cats?