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Original poster

DP moving overseas for three years

199 replies

Raven11 · 01/10/2019 09:33

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

OP posts:
GrimalkinsCrone · 01/10/2019 09:39

Did he talk about it with you before applying? Can you get a job there, independently? How long have you been together? How possible will it be for you both to sustain a relationship at a distance?
If it’s what he wants more than anything else, it may be the end of your relationship, and he may not have thought that through, but if he doesn’t go, it will be a festering resentment that will linger.
Time to wish him well and wave goodbye.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 01/10/2019 09:43

How long have you been together? Did he not discuss what his plans were for your relationship when he applied?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2019 09:45

I would end it and move on.

DarkMutterings · 01/10/2019 09:45

So you could consider practical questions such as
Which countries? Big difference between working in rural Africa on a animal reserve vs New York. Depending on where could limit options if you going at all or for regular short breaks.
Your responsibilities here - are they potential ie elder parents who may need help or definite ie kids in schooling
Your own dreams / plans - would that location ever be part of your own plans

But ultimately it comes down to do you both really really want to make it work and overcome each obstacle-- or is it a case of right person, wrong time and whilst it will hurt it's better to walk away.

Your right to feel gutted but if it's his dream, then there is little to be gained by holding him back

Sciurus83 · 01/10/2019 09:48

I'm sorry Raven but as far as I would be concerned unless he was coming over tonight to propose and you were going together then the relationship is over. You say you have responsibilities here and I guess he knows that, he has chosen the job over you and your life here. Time to move on to the next one my friend.

Butchyrestingface · 01/10/2019 09:49

I would end it and move on.

This. Flowers

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2019 09:50

How old are you? This is a different question if you’re 22 or 35.
I agree it sounds like resentment would kill the relationship if he stayed, but he needs to know the distance and his priorities may kill the relationship anyway. What promises is he making? I wouldn’t stay with someone for 3 years of long distance without a wedding. I wouldn’t stay with someone for 3 years of long distance if I were 35.

ShippingNews · 01/10/2019 09:51

I'd also end it. He has applied for this job knowing that you've been planning on moving in together. And now he has the job so you've been pushed back onto the back burner. Sorry but you could do a lot better. End it and move on.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 09:52

If you were at the stage of planning to live together, and had even discussed the marriage/babies/future thing, and yet were not fully aware of this job offer and involved in discussions on how it would work and he'd shown willing to take your opinions into account etc - in other words, if this move hasn't already been extensively discussed as a committed couple - then there is absolutely no question that you should end this, immediately, and move on. Because that is a total piss take and tells you everything you really need to know about how he views you, relationships, and committment.

Original poster
Raven11 · 01/10/2019 09:53

We've only been together for 18 months and been a long distance relationship where we only see each other every weekend and maybe a visit during the week and to be honest the majority of our problems has been due to living in different regions. If it was in Europe it wouldn't be so bad as I could still visit for the weekend.

There's no way I can go due to my responsibilities in the UK.

It's got to be the end - I want to be in a relationship not having a pen pal. We didn't have a proper chat about him going; he said he wasn't going to accept as he didn't want to leave me, but after struggling to find a job on par in the UK, he sent me a message that he accepted and that he's going insert celebration emojis.

I know we've only been together for a short time, We're both young, this is what he's meant to do. I just can't help him celebrate.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2019 09:55

I would be ending it tonight. Why waste more time?

MaidenMotherCrone · 01/10/2019 10:00

He sent you a message to say he was going!

Sod that. End it and move on.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 10:00

he said he wasn't going to accept as he didn't want to leave me, but after struggling to find a job on par in the UK, he sent me a message that he accepted and that he's going insert celebration emojis.

Ok, that's not a partner.

18 months is a funny old time - can be full on committed, can be less. Prime time for one person thinking it's one thing and one thinking it's more another...

Dump him and move on. DO NOT put your life on hold to facilitate his.

Bye Felipe time.

FinnBalorsAbs · 01/10/2019 10:01

I'm so sorry to read this, but agree with the other posters. I'd end it and see where he is in three years rather than being in limbo.

I did long distance once (UK to Europe, four hour flight or so) for just over a year and it was both isolating and mentally exhausting.I wouldn't want to go through it again, especially not for three years.

Slappadabass · 01/10/2019 10:02

If you have had issues regarding the distance already then adding more distance is obviously just going to make it worse.
You need to end it, it's harsh but unless you go with him there's no way it will work.

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 10:04

Ah. It's painful to know you've come second to a job, but better to know now and break cleanly while it's uncomplicated.

Don't be persuaded into saying you'll wait for him or any such nonsense. Tell him you have a life which can't be put on hold and be ready to part friends. Clearly the talk of a future together was not serious for him.

WellButterMyArse · 01/10/2019 10:05

If it's only been 18 months and you're young, yes you're quite right that this is the end. The celebration emojis were insensitive of him but it would probably be in your best interests to end it immediately anyway. Why waste more time and energy?

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 10:07

If he proposes while planning to move away for three years, do say no. It can only be to put you 'on hold'. And who wants to spend three years listening to crap music while getting more and more frustrated?!

Original poster
Raven11 · 01/10/2019 10:09

We're both 26 and he'll be going to the USA. I know he'll still have WiFi, he'll have extended annual leave and will be back in the UK at least once a year for two months during the summer.

My responsibilities are caring for a disabled member of the family. Said family member loves him also as he's been so supportive of this decision to care full time. He's not going to be leaving until the new year; he had planned to spend all of Christmas/new year here. I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed soon but I don't think that's enough which is a killer as that's the next step that I've wanted.

I travelled a lot when I was younger; I've lived abroad and had my adventures and now it's his time. It will be really good for him. I feel selfish for being so upset and taking this away from him.

It was a long application process and I never thought he'd actually accept. Maybe out of denial. He said in the summer after we'd had a wonderful day drinking Pimm's and watching the sunset that he couldn't wait for the next step and that wouldn't be America. I know he's been feeling down as he's been struggling to get into his dream field and he has actively applied in the UK.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2019 10:18

Ouch. This is really tricky and I do totally see where you're coming from.

Ultimately, he's taken the job over you. And that hurts. Rightly so.

I also think you need to end this now; give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on. His actions have told you where his priorities are. For him to expect you to celebrate with him is just rubbing salt into the wound. Sorry. But you're young, you sound lovely and with your head screwed on, and you will get over this. Flowers

tweedledeedo · 01/10/2019 10:20

If you both want to marry and have got to that stage whilst only seeing each other at weekends then I wouldn't be too hasty. You need to think it through properly. 3 years isn't necessarily very long.

The big issue will be whether he actually comes back in 3 years. And whether he is home for 2 months in the summer.

What's the job? Teaching? I can't think of anything else that would have 2 months off in the summer. Sports coach?

Whatever happens tonight then I'd wish him well and let him go.

Annasgirl · 01/10/2019 10:21

I'm sorry OP but I agree with everyone else - and at 26 you are too young to tie yourself to someone like this. I wouldn't waste any more time if I were you, just cut all ties now. You deserve someone who will always put you first and at 26 you are in a prime position to find him. So please don't waste any more time on this person, cut all ties, grieve and move on.

DO not waste 3-4 years hanging around for him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/10/2019 10:21

I do feel sorry for him a bit, if this is his dream job and he can't get in over here. He's also having to make the choice, but I guess he's doing it a bit 'head in the sand' - whilst thinking 'Raven and I are in love, she will wait and we can have nice holidays and all that', basically a best case scenario thinking.

I'd tell him that you can stay in touch, stay friends, and see what happens over the years. You are stuck with your caring responsibilities - does he think that you aren't going to meet anyone else in the meantime?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/10/2019 10:22

You’re both looking for different things. He wants to advance his career and you want to settle down. There’s nothing wrong with either of those aspirations, but they’re not particularly compatible right now.

I wouldn’t hang around until he goes, I would end things now and mend your heart. I’m sorry Flowers

Whoops75 · 01/10/2019 10:24

I would be ending this relationship.