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Original poster

DP moving overseas for three years

199 replies

Raven11 · 01/10/2019 09:33

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

OP posts:
MissTicPizza · 01/10/2019 10:26

I know you say you can't go as you have responsibilities here however I'm just curious as to which visa he's got. If you were to marry you would be able to get a visa to live there with him. Depending on the visa you may or may not be able to work.

SilverChime · 01/10/2019 10:26

He’s picked the job over you. It sucks but at least you know where you stand.

UnfamousPoster · 01/10/2019 10:28

I feel for you @Raven11, I really do. I can hear the heartbreak in your words.

Explain to him exactly what you have here. That while you understand it's something he has to do (and he has - he'd only regret not going), you can't help but feel upset about it too.

Don't put too much pressure on the relationship by forcing it in to a long distance thing. Say you'll keep in contact and speak regularly and see how it goes. You may naturally drift apart and it ultimately won't be as heartbreaking as it feels right now, though (speaking from experience) I can tell you the first few days and weeks are totally gut wrenching when they've gone.

On the flip side, if it's meant to be, it will be. It sounds cheesy but love will find a way. He could get the experience in his field out there and find it easier to get another job back here in a few years time.

Time and age has taught me one thing - everything happens for a reason. Whether it's to solidify your feelings for someone, or to just give you wisdom and experience to move on to the next path of your life. You'll only know when you get there. Good luck OP.

NearlyGranny · 01/10/2019 10:30

You say you 'don't know how to be happy about it,' OP.

There is no way. You aren't happy about it. You thought you had an arrangement to be together in the near future; he's picked a different future, one without you in it. What's to be happy about?

I can see why he would be happy and excited, but why should you try to persuade yourself into feeling what you think is acceptable to or expected by him? Is he going to put on a sad mask and pretend to feel your hurt? How you feel is how you feel and there's no reason to pretend.

Congratulations and farewell is the name of the game now, and both of you looking forward to separate futures. Don't be a people pleaser!

If he wants to stay in touch, if you feel fine about that, tell him you'd love to get updates but you both might well be too busy with life etc to make it a regular commitment.

When someone shows you how they value you, believe them the first time.

mankyfourthtoe · 01/10/2019 10:31

I don't think I'd be happy being apart for that long whilst he makes a wonderful new life out there.
I'd say to split up, and I wouldn't wait til he goes as why bother, and things should be to your tune too!
And if in 3 years he does come back and professes his undying love then you get to decide if you want to go back to what it was or your new life.
Remember he has chosen to leave you now get to make a choice.

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 10:36

Can another family member take a turn caring for your disabled family member for the 3yrs so you could go to the US with him? Or can you and him arrange a carer so you can go too?

I don’t think it’s fair that it is assumed that you are stuck in the U.K. You’re 26 and young. You have a life to live. Yet you are as stuck as a victorian spinster in a caring role, unable to start your own life. If he does propose (or you propose) and you marry, you would be able to get a visa.

ElizaDee · 01/10/2019 10:40

Could you take your family member with you? Or would that not work at all?

cantmovewont · 01/10/2019 10:41

Terrible situation OP. Im so sorry. I have some experience of this in that my bf at the time got posted abroad. We had a nasty break up but it turned out we couldn't be without each other - married 15 years this year (AND having to live apart due to work).

If it were me, I'd give it some time - you can always break up later down the line if you really feel that you can't make it work.

All the the best

FatRambo · 01/10/2019 10:41

Ultimately, he's taken the job over you. And that hurts. Rightly so

^^ This

Time to move on OP. Sorry.

diddl · 01/10/2019 10:42

Well I would say that at only 26, you've time to wait to settle down after the three years, if you want to.

Of course there's no guarantee that he would come back or indeed be any nearer r´than he currently is.

If you still have care responsibilities when he gets back then he would be restricted to living near you & that might not be feasible due to his line of work?

I don't think that there's a need to do anything hasty tbh, although I can see how this must hurt.

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/10/2019 10:43

I think those saying he chose the job over you are wrong. You could equally say you chose the UK and caring over him and his likely career. I have done long-distance relationships and even done that within my marriage (!) It's not my favourite, but it wouldn't be something I'd collapse a relationship over right that second, I'd see how it goes.

CTRL · 01/10/2019 10:43

Think it’s a no brainier op.

Wish him well and move on. Maybe when he returns - you guys can pick up from where you left off.

Teddybear45 · 01/10/2019 10:43

Yeah it doesn’t sound like this was a proper relationship. Have a clean break.

Standingatthedoor · 01/10/2019 10:43

26 is very going to feel that your adventures are over Sad

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 10:46

I do feel sorry for him a bit, if this is his dream job and he can't get in over here. He's also having to make the choice, but I guess he's doing it a bit 'head in the sand' - whilst thinking 'Raven and I are in love, she will wait and we can have nice holidays and all that', basically a best case scenario thinking.

This I agree with. Her DP has really tried from what she said to find a similar job here but with no luck. He has to go to where the work is. That’s not really choosing a job over her any more than she is choosing caring for disabled family member over him.

Myriade · 01/10/2019 10:46

If you had been together for longer, been married .... it would have been different.
But yes he wants his cake and eat it and I’m not surprised you are upset.

Raphael34 · 01/10/2019 10:46

You’ve only been together for a matter of months, not long enough to decide if you want to spend your lives together. It doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship as it is now. What happens if he meets someone over there? Or if you wait it out 3 long years and then your relationship fails? You’re only young, you don’t want to waste the best years of your life like this. You can’t even guarantee that he’ll come back after 3 years. His job may be extended or he may get offered another one abroad

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/10/2019 10:47

Yeah it doesn’t sound like this was a proper relationship I've been told many times on MN that a proper relationship is one where you live together, are never apart etc, but people have all types of models of relationships- there's even a word for it, LAT (Living Apart Together). I am an academic and lots of academics live in other parts of the world from their partners, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, usually they try to end up in the same country (!) but many commute long-distances even when serious or married.

OP- do what pleases you, if you'd prefer a clean break, go for it, if you prefer to see how it goes, then do that. I agree with whoever said if it's meant to be it will happen, because if you both want it enough, there are ways forward, even if not this exact time point.

museumum · 01/10/2019 10:47

While I'm guessing overall most long-distance relationships don't last and it might not be what you want anyway, in academia it's not that rare and I know two couples who had long periods apart while pursuing postdoc stage of an academic career and are now settled together and have been for some time. One couple didn't ever live in the same state until after marriage!
If he's got two months of summer "off" is it academia? lots of academics can work remotely when there's no teaching on.

Myriade · 01/10/2019 10:49

@DoctorAllcome, except that even wo the fact she is a carer, she STILL wouldn’t have been able to go as she wouldn’t be able to get a visa.
Caring for that relative isn’t the main sticking point there.

howdoweknow · 01/10/2019 10:50

This is difficult OP because as you say he has been actively applying and getting nowhere in the UK. I appreciate how difficult this is but could you see how it goes? This might be a step on the ladder for him to find something similar in the UK? He might not decide to stay the full three years but then if your relationship has already had difficulties due to distance would either of you want to try and make an even bigger distance work?

DoctorAllcome · 01/10/2019 10:52

I wonder how WWII vets would see this thread. Lots of men married their sweethearts before waving good bye for four years fighting in Europe and Asia. The ones that came back, their wives usually still loved them. All they had to keep in touch were the few letters that got through.
I know he’s off to the US for a 3yr job not a major war, but my point is that it can be done, it’s not impossible.

oneofthegiantsisme · 01/10/2019 10:55

This sounds really hard for you, but I agree with those saying it's probably best to say congratulations but goodbye, at this stage. I know it's hard to be happy for him, but you can still wish him well.

I'm speaking as one who left, many years ago - to travel, not to work, but still. We agreed to split up - longer term plans were different, I wanted kids eventually, he didn't - but we split up as friends. Driving away from him was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

We've now been married 20 years, and have two lovely teenagers. Turned out we were happier together after all. When I got back, we were ready to move in together and move on with life.

yellowallpaper · 01/10/2019 10:55

Long distance relationships usually fail. I would let him go without a fuss but continue your personal life and meet other people and be open to ending the relationship for someone who is more available. I'm sure he will be doing the same.

tweedledeedo · 01/10/2019 10:56

I agree dr.

And the choosing to care for the relative is the same. Op could join him if they were married which she says is what she wants

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