DP moving overseas for three years

[Raven11]

He's got his dream job and he's rightly over the moon. But it would mean that he's going to be on another continent for three years. I'm not able to go as while it's a dream job, it's not particularly a 'skilled' role so I can't get a family visa and I have responsibilities for the foreseeable future in the UK.

He's coming over tonight (we don't live together - we were planning to but obviously not happening now) and I dont know how to be happy about it. We've been talking about marriage/kids/happy ever after a lot for this to happen. I feel like the floor has been taken away from me. I don't want to burst his bubble but I have a face like thunder right now.

I completely understand that it’s a very difficult situation for you and that you feel abandoned. But if I try to see if from the other side it could be something like this:

“Partner and you live in different countries. You want to be together, but you have stated that you are unable to move, he would have to move to your country. Ok, he accepts that. He tries hard to get a job in the UK, but for whatever reason he doesn’t get any offers. He feels disillusioned.

He gets an idea to apply to a job in a third country, and flaunts it with you. You state that you cannot move, you need to be where you are, he must move to you. He feels like you are not as invested as he is, keeps trying for jobs in the UK, but still no luck.

Really wanting a change he finally applies for the job in the third country and gets it. It’s a temporary thing, and he’ll be in a much better position to get a job in the UK afterwards. He will get a lot of holiday, and he is prepared to spend all of it with you in your country. It won’t be ideal, but surely, given how good you feel about your relationship, you can stick it out for three years? And your reaction: no thank you, let’s split up.”

This may not be exactly what happened etc – but is there anything in it?

I live and care for my grandmother

Isn't that perhaps a little restrictive at 26? Obviously nobody would say anything if the dependant relative was your own child, but aren't there any other family members who can share the load / carers who could go in, etc?

And sorry, but I agree there's an irony in her comments about your BF's cheeky expectations, when she seems to expect a heck of a lot of you too

There is no question that you should let him go. The bigger question is why, at such a young age, you are a full time carer when you should be building your career etc. The best solution would be to make other arrangements for your relative's care and go with him.

I'm not a grandmother but I am old enough to be your mum OP and I would not want a young woman to give up her life to look after me. She is concerned about the cheek of your boyfriend but there is an element of that in her behaviour too. I'm quite sure you won't accept that but you are in a position that is really curtailing your future. What job will you do when, a long time in the future I hope, your dgm isn't around any more?

Absolutely agree with this. Whilst I think it is probably right to end it tonight, I would wait to hear what he had to say

I would also use this as an opportunity to review my life entirely and decide if I felt I could commit any further to my caring obligations. What if your grandmother lives for another 30 years? Are your caring obligations to restrict your opportunities to move away etc? I don't see that as fair at all and there is no way I would be comfortable with any of my DC caring for me to the detriment of their own opportunities

It seems like you've made your mind up but it sounds quite disappointing.

You were to be with this man until the 'end', then that could easily be 60 plus years together, that's only 5% of your life time that he might be away.

If you truly love and support this man then you would wish him well and make the relationship work however it sounds like you'd prefer to take the easy way out and just give up. It's such a pity.

She can live in the US for 6mos with no visa.

She absolutely cannot do this, assuming she's a UK citizen!

She can visit for up to 90 days using the Visa Waiver Program (completing an ESTA before departure). There is a 6-month tourist visa you can apply for in advance (B), but it is rarely granted to working-age people who could use the VWP, and once you get rejected then you're screwed because you'll have to declare the refusal on your next ESTA application and that will probably get you rejected.

You're not supposed to enter the US as a tourist with immigrant intent and then can be really hardline on this if you have a partner there - if you get flagged for secondary at immigration (which you may, after repeated visits) they'll check your phone, read your social media accounts, and any hint of 'I'll go over to the States and maybe think about staying' is going to get you bounced, which will then affect your ability to visit the States ever again.

Also, most US work visas allow you to bring over a spouse, but the spouse may not be able to legally work, or has to apply for an Employment Authorization Document only after they've arrived (L, J etc).

Why rush into marriage with someone who's already shown their priorities are elsewhere, then move overseas to be financially dependent on them indefinitely or at least for a few months, thousands of miles away from your friends, family, commitments and career? (That's not really directed at the OP, who seems completely clear-eyed about the situation; more at this mindset that it's romantic to chuck over your own life for some guy who tells you via text he's leaving.)

Also, it's crazy to compare this to WWII: people who left home then were either drafted, or believed they were doing their duty for society. This guy is not off to fight the Nazis. He's doing what's best for him, and that's fine, but he shouldn't expect the OP to make any sacrifices at all.

See what he says OP. I certainly would not follow him if it meant giving up my financial independence. I have a long-term LDR (think decades) where we have always been a flight apart. I refused to give up my career and he refused to give up his. It worked for us! But don't write him off yet. See what he says about why he took the job and what future he sees before you make your mind up (in other words, make it up on the basis of more facts than you have now).

I also wonder if the GM situation has influenced his thinking on the future. A lot's been said about his commitment to OP, but perhaps he also sees this as a sign of things to come, and at 26 prefers a more independent life?

I don't think either of you can expect the other one to give up their dreams for the other. One or the other will end up resentful. He has the chance to go and live in the US for 3 years and do his dream job, vs staying with you, unemployed or doing a job he doesnt want. You have a choice of having a long distance relationship, stopping you having a relationship with someone who is with you all the time, possibly getting married and having children. If you cant get a visa, you cant get a visa. Its one or the other. Split up and see how it goes when he comes back. I agree your grandmother shouldn't be expecting you to be a full time carer, but that is another story. Even without your caring responsibilities, you cant go to the US.

Nearlyalmost50

Completely agree with this post. I met my husband while we were both in the forces. My husband served for 25 years which meant a lot of that was spent apart, often on another continent. If you have a strong relationship it can be overcome, I am another who believes if it was meant to be it will be. Don't make hasty decisions, you don't know what the future holds even if he stayed in the UK.

I'm not a grandmother but I am old enough to be your mum OP and I would not want a young woman to give up her life to look after me. She is concerned about the cheek of your boyfriend but there is an element of that in her behaviour too. I'm quite sure you won't accept that but you are in a position that is really curtailing your future.

That. You are giving up so much to care for her. This relationship is actually going to end because of HER, not him.
I'm really concerned that a 26 year old is so tied, and unable to make reasonable life choices, because she's caring for an elderly relative. I would absolutely not allow my daughters to do this for me

That. You are giving up so much to care for her. This relationship is actually going to end because of HER, not him

She can't get a visa and even if she could it would mean her following HIM - that's what she is giving up. Has the OP said why she is a carer for her GM and what she gets from this? There might be more here than we think.

Well, I’m an American with immigrant family members and she absolutely CAN live here for 6mos on a tourist visa. It’s not “immigrant intent” if you have a return plane ticket and you not only intend to leave the US but you actually do leave after the 6mos. She would only break the law if she overstayed.

The required presumption under U.S. law is that every visitor visa applicant is an intending immigrant until they demonstrate otherwise. Therefore, applicants for visitor visas must overcome this presumption by demonstrating:
• That the purpose of their trip is to enter the United States temporarily for business or pleasure;
• That they plan to remain for a specific, limited period;
• Evidence of funds to cover expenses in the United States;
• That they have a residence outside the United States as well as other binding ties that will ensure their departure from the United States at the end of the visit.

And if they decided to marry during the 6mos, she can return and then apply for family member visa...probably an O-3 type visa.

To be honest, me looking after my GM is bit of a red herring. He had already applied to go before I started caring full time. I still wouldn't of been able to go as I wouldn't of had a visa. There's a lot of different work visas for America and even if we were married I wouldn't of been able to get a visa. He's also getting paid a pittance but they're paying for him to study therefore he won't have the money to be flying back and forth. He could of got a similar role and paid for his course through student finance in the UK but it's more fun to be a student in the USA at our age for the experience than him living as a student in UK.

My grandmother could have gone into a home but she didn't want to, and I didn't want her to either. I'm doing my masters from home, and have hopes to do a PhD once I finish therefore not quite the same as 1950s but I understand the concern.

OP, I am a grandmother and there is no way I would want a grandchild or children of mine to give up their young life to care for me! Never never!

I have to ask, who is looking out for you and what you want in life? What are your dreams?

You're only 26 with your entire life ahead of you.

I would like to hear more about your grandma, her disability and how you ended up as her carer.

Boyfriends come and go and that may sound flip but I'm more concerned about you and your future.

“Spouses and children under the age of 21 who wish to accompany, or following to join, an E, F, H, I, J, L, M, O, P, or R visa holder may apply for derivative visas. If they wish to visit for vacations only, they may apply for visitor (B-2) visas, or if qualified, travel visa free under the Visa Waiver Program (VWP). Common-law spouses and partners may be eligible to apply for B-2 visas. If they wish to visit for vacations only, they may apply for visitor (B-2) visas, or if qualified, travel visa free under the Visa Waiver Program (VWP).

See here...she is a “partner” not spouse so what I said is correct. She gets a visitor visa (B-2) good for 6mos to accompany him

“Partners who are members of the household of the principal visa holder and whose primary purpose in traveling to the United States is to accompany that person, may apply for a B-2 visa. Partners who intend working or studying require the appropriate work or student visa.

U.S. immigration at the port of entry determines how long a person may remain in the United States. The holder of a B-2 visa may be admitted for an initial period of six months, which is extendable in six month increments. Those wishing to remain longer than six months will be required to apply for an extension of stay with the US Citizenship and Immigration Services having jurisdiction over their place of residence in the United States.”
uk.usembassy.gov/visas/spouses-children-partners/common-law-spouses-and-partners/

Apparently, she wouldn’t even have to leave after 6mos anymore so they’ve improved that. She CAN get a visa even if NOT MARRIED to accompany him.

Ohhhhh so he’s not going to a job, but to study....

I would pretend to be happy for him and call it a day.

Ok, so he will get a J, F or M type visa...in which case if it is a J or M type, you could accompany him as his unmarried partner on a visitor B-2 visa like I posted up above.

but they're paying for him to study therefore he won't have the money to be flying back and forth. He could of got a similar role and paid for his course through student finance in the UK

At least he’s avoiding the £10k in debt for student loans though.mso I think free tuition is a bigger draw than “fun”

Is he going as a sports coach? i know loads of people who've done this, they hardly get paid anything but get accommodation and get to study, and very few of them got a job doing that when they came home, loads of people from the u.k do this every year, and working in the u.s doesnt give them any bigger an advantage. If its that he wont be able to afford to come back to visit either.
What a shame , you must be so upset and I'm guessing he's not really thought things through properly.

£10k per year isn’t it now over there?
Free tuition is a great opportunity anywhere.

I still wouldn't of been able to go as I wouldn't of had a visa. There's a lot of different work visas for America and even if we were married I wouldn't of been able to get a visa.

This is most probably incorrect. Most temporary work/study visas allow spouse support derivative visas and unmarried partners are allowed the visitor visa. Did you ask an actual immigration lawyer?

I agree with the comments about grandma. You’re very young to be a full time carer for a grandparent, and giving up the opportunity to ever travel in the future or move cities as a result of it is a real shame.

Grandma didn’t want to move in to a home but is she aware of what you’re giving up for her?

I think your main issue is your grandma.

Do you not have a job, want a life of your own.

She sounds incredibly selfish? How on earth can she expect to put your complete life on hold to care for her? I have a severely disabled child and know about caring responsibilities but your set up is ridiculous.

You should be upset with your grandma, not your partner. Well, actually, not your grandma. but with yourself. Grow up , grow and pair and do what you want in life!